Do people who gaslight ever stop?

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm afraid I already know the answer to this question, but I'd appreciate your experiences and opinions on the matter.

It's not me, but a dear friend of mine whose boyfriend has been verbally and emotionally abusive to her, and he's been gaslighting in the past. From what I've heard, he has had a difficult childhood and unhealthy relationships in the past, but of course that's all his exes' faults.

A few months ago she seemed to have realised he was not right for her and seemed ready to leave him. Now she's acting like nothing is wrong, saying they're working out their problems and even talking about moving into a new house together. (they already live together. )

I'm really worried about her, but I'm afraid if I judge her boyfriend too harshly, she won't come to me the next time they reach a breaking point. I'm meeting up with her next week and I'm pretty sure she's going to stick with her story that they're working things out. My question is, should I believe her? It may be in part because of my PTSD, but I do not trust that man one bit. He has the superficial charm and unpredictability of someone who will end up beating his girlfriend.

I really hope that he's stopped gaslighting her but it's so hard to be sure. What do you think?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I don't think people like him ever stop and it sounds as if he's got her twisted round his little finger. I think you're right to trust your instincts on this one. One thing you can do is just make sure she knows she can always come to you if she needs to.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't know if you know about the Karpman Drama Triangle, but for me it is a really good reminder of 'where I am' in a dysfunctional relationship.

The idea behind the Karpman model is that there is a persecutor, a victim and a rescuer. It sounds like your friend may be drawing you in as her 'rescuer'. I don't know if there is much good for you being in this role. There is absolutely nothing you can do to switch this dynamic. I expect when your friend feels secure then all good intentions by you to see what is happening to her falls on deaf ears. The persecutor, many times, will sweeten the pot, so to speak when the victim resists. I would say that this new house is the tool that he is using to have her 'put up'.

The Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor - What It Is and How to Get Out. - Linda Graham

Myself, I would stand well back from this. The next time she comes to you in victim mode, give her the name of a local woman's outreach program and tell her to have at it. Maybe they can help her see what is happening to her. In the meantime, I suggest you be supportive of your friend to reach a more empowered state, but beyond that, I wouldn't step any further into their boxing ring, you know?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Great article @shimmerz yiu always find cool stuff. Are you a therapist?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Snowwhite, I do not think they ever stop gaslighting. I like the information that @shimmerz provided for everyone to go through.

Please take good care of yourself as the going back to him with your friend is something called being hoovered back in to a sick dynamic in their relationship and I think by taking care of you and doing your own thing and staying away trusting your excellent gut instincts of not getting in the middle will be very good for you.

I do not know if her guy has any other addiction issues and if so maybe if he ever hits a real bottom and gets himself in treatment he may possibly get better.

I have learned that no one can kill love for another person so until your friend gets really fed up with him I think she will be continuing to go back to him to work on their relationship. It takes a long time to realize that one person, the one continuing to go back is the only one that is really working on that relationship in my opinion.

I am sorry to say these things to you because I know that you are really a very caring person and I just think that it will be this way with your friend as long as she is in denial of the gas lighting and emotional abuse and keeps trying with him:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@LilLynx @shimmerz thank you both for your insights. Your comments are very helpful. I don't want to be right about this because I want my friend to be safe and happy, but in some way it's also good to know I can trust my own instincts. It's hard for me to see the difference between genuine danger and me being hypervigilant.

The article is very interesting. I recognise some of the triangle in my relationship with my friend and her boyfriend. However, and perhaps I'm being naive with this, I don't feel like my friend is feeling sorry for herself or being overly sensitive. In fact, she seems to want to help her boyfriend. Not so he can be dependent on her, but because she feels that she has to.
She seems to have some kind of enormous guilt and low self esteem that she's perhaps trying to compensate for by trying to change damaged men. Her first boyfriend was a real sociopath and I think he did a real number on her.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

@Rain thank you for your honesty. You don't have to be sorry for anything, I need to hear the truth :hug: :hug: :hug:

I think everyone is right that I need to keep my distance and all I can really do is let her know I'm there for her.

It's so frustrating! I want to tell the bastard that if he lays a finger on her I will do everything in my power to get the police involved and have him lose his job and reputation. But if I do that, he will know she talked to me, get pissed off and probably take it out on her. :(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I want to tell the bastard that if he lays a finger on her I will do everything in my power to get the police involved and have him lose his job and reputation. But if I do that, he will know she talked to me, get pissed off and probably take it out on her. :(

That is because you are a really good friend and are healthy enough to recognize what is going on with her and you are right it would cause so many problems for you that you may lose your friend over this and I thin that his dynamic is so very sad and tragic for her. She has to learn to make some healthier choices for herself and I hope that she will in the future.:hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it takes someone on the sociopath spectrum to engage in gaslighting behaviors. And yeah, we ALL know how these types never change their behavior.

It’s best to disengage.

 

[Cannottakethis]

They don’t stop. They just keep getting better at it.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I talked to my friend yesterday. At first she acted like things were fine between her and her boyfriend, but after digging a little bit, it turned out he's continuing his psychological and emotional abuse. He's setting her up so he has a reason to get angry with her and make her feel like crap. He also buys her gifts all the time, so that he seems like the good guy and she feels guilty because she can't afford to return the favour. He's constantly trying to assert his dominance and control over her.

I've let her know that I just want her to be safe and happy and that she always has a place to stay with me. However, I doubt she'll be taking me up on that any time soon.

Do you guys know of any helpful articles on emotional abuse that I may share with my friend? Perhaps that way she can gain some new insights on her own.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@shimmerz has a link earlier on this thread about the drama triangle that is a good explanation.