Relationship Do PTSD sufferers have trouble with forgiveness?

[Confused1]

I posted about a month ago of my combat vet bf with PTSD ignoring me when he’s stressed but I reached out to him and everything was wonderful until 5 days ago….

2 weeks ago he called me his gf and we made it official. I was on Cloud 9. However, he sprung on me that he was going on an international trip for nearly 3 weeks and he’s gonna be gone for Christmas and New Years. I was a little annoyed but I didn’t express any displeasure because he deserves a break from work. He’s going with a large group of friends and it was planned before we met.

Anyway, he promised he would see me before he leaves. He was being so incredibly sweet to me for the past 2 weeks then I decided to plan a special dinner right before he left. We haven’t gone out on an actual date in 2 months. It’s only been him coming over for dinner. 5 days ago, I told him I had this special dinner planned and he said he couldn’t see me before he left. I was so hurt and all my insecurities came out, especially over not having had a real date in awhile so I childishly responded “apparently I’m just good for is you coming over and having sex.”

That’s when he was lost it! He said he was so incredibly hurt by that comment and that it changes everything and it changes a lot and he said he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore and it ends now. I don’t have any idea what he meant by that because he said we’ll talk about it when he gets back. I’ve apologized profusely. I’ve even sent a video of myself giving a heartfelt apology and sang him a song (although very embarrassing for me but I thought he would appreciate the vulnerability).

He has left me on read. He’s left for his trip and we haven’t talked in 5 days. He’s never acted like this in the 5 months we’ve been dating. It’s like a struck a nerve. I wasn’t trying to purposefully hurt him but I wanted him to see why I’m upset because that’s all we do. Clearly, that’s not how it came off. I get that he’s hurt and he has a right to feel that way but he’s acting in a way that someone would act when they find out their partner cheated. I’m sure what I said caused hurt but to deserve the silent treatment? He’s never been like this so I’m in complete shock.

I’m so confused, I don’t know what to do, and I love this man and don’t want to lose him however I have no clue how to fix this :(

 

[Weemie]

I dunno. If I found out my partner thought all I wanted them for was sex, I'd be seriously re-evaluating the relationship as well. Of course, This is from the perspective of someone who - loves their partner, cares for their partner, views their relationship as a tangible aspect of their lives, etc.

Your comment is basically, "you don't like me, you just want to f*ck me." Y/N? Maybe he actually does just want you for sex in which case, he might just be annoyed that you're calling him out on it - in which case, obviously he is a loser. But I seriously doubt that is the case. What did you actually intend to convey with that comment?

That's what you need to figure out, and to express to him, instead of letting resentment build up and up. Which is what sounds like happened.

 

[Confused1]

I dunno. If I found out my partner thought all I wanted them for was sex, I'd be seriously re-evaluating the relationship as well. What did you actually intend to convey with that comment? That's what you need to figure out, and to express to him, instead of letting resentment build up and up. Which is what sounds like happened.

My intent was to say that him coming over is all we do and I want to do more than that. It hurt my feelings that in that same morning, I told him to wait on something until we saw each other before he left and he responded “Ok!”. To tell me he won’t see me just a few hours later was hurtful when I had already not seen him for 2 weeks. When I saw him 2 weeks prior, it was the first time I saw him in a month. It threw me for a loop. He always says to plans “let’s do that next time” but “next time” never happens. It’s always the same routine.

In 5 months, I’ve never said anything mean or negative ever. He’s done things to unintentionally hurt me but I forgave him and let it go, multiple times. I made a mistake of saying something I didn’t mean and I’m crucified for it even after doing everything I could to apologize.

 

[Sideways]

My intent was to say that him coming over is all we do and I want to do more than that.

So, if that’s what you meant, and that’s what you said, then things would probably be very different!

But instead of saying “I want more than that”, you actually said something preeeeeetty brutal.

2 weeks into a relationship? Yeeesh!

Whether or not ptsd sufferers have trouble with forgiveness is beside the point, I think. A lot of people who copped that in a brand new relationship would probably decide to move on.

Try again when he gets back. But also, maybe reevaluate the way you communicate when you’re emotional. Because if he has ptsd, his brain will reliably go into fight/flight mode when powerful negative emotions are running the show.

 

[Confused1]

So, if that’s what you meant, and that’s what you said, then things would probably be very different!

But instead of saying “I want more than that”, you actually said something preeeeeetty brutal.

2 weeks into a relationship? Yeeesh!

Whether or not ptsd sufferers have trouble with forgiveness is beside the point, I think. A lot of people who copped that in a brand new relationship would probably decide to move on.

Try again when he gets back. But also, maybe reevaluate the way you communicate when you’re emotional. Because if he has ptsd, his brain will reliably go into fight/flight mode when powerful negative emotions are running the show.

We’ve been dating for 5 months. We made it official 2 weeks ago.

I get that it wasn’t a great thing that came out. Obviously, if I could rewind, I wouldn’t say what actually came out. In 5 months, I’ve been incredibly sweet to him and I slipped up. People say stupid shit they don’t mean many times, especially in a relationship. You’re just gonna throw away something special because of something someone said they didn’t mean?

I’m not discounting his feelings. I would be hurt but I wouldn’t take it this far. How am I supposed to apologize?? I don’t know what else to do at this point. I’ve forgiven him for standing me up and ignoring me 3 different times during the past 5 months but I say something not so nice however I’m not given the same courtesy? It’s not like I called his mother a hamster. I said something that’s obviously not true.

 

[Movingforward10]

I see it differently. This seems a bit one sided. You are allowed to say something a bit off when you're upset. We all do it. It's human. For him to hang everything onto that one comment? Rather than see what made you say that comment? When he was already saying he can't see you and he's spending the holidays away from you...
To me, this reads as a guy who isn't looking for someone serious.
It also reads as though you might want to build up your boundaires and what you wany from a relationship?
As the two of you seem on different pages? That's ok. But why put up with behaviour you don't appreciate when it's only 5 months in?

 

[Confused1]

There are a lot of incredible qualities about him too. He makes me feel in ways I’ve never felt for anyone. An example is if I’m in trouble or need his help and call him, he will drop everything for me…amongst many other things to list.

To update, I may have freaked out a little too soon. He reached out to me today and said we still needed to have a conversation but he really appreciated the apology I sent him and the reason why he had such a bad reaction was because he cares about me A LOT. We’ve been texting back and forth almost like normal all night :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

You’re allowed to lose your temper, be hurt, cry… you know, feel emotions like people typically do.

Don’t get so geeked up about his reactions that you feel like you’re not allowed to have emotions of your own. You called him out. Somebody else may have used the opportunity to self reflect on how he was treating his partner. He chose flight instead of dealing with the icky feeling.

Confrontation usually goes over like a lead balloon. Sometimes it gets exhausting holding that shit in though. Don’t beat yourself up for not being “perfect” all the time.

 

[Confused1]

I agree. I hope that when we have the opportunity to speak about what happened, we can also discuss why I was so frustrated to blurt that out to begin with and work through it.

 

[Confused2]

This sounds a little familiar. All the best to you both.

Tough situation for you both no doubt.

 

[user27357]

all of us go through our PTSD daily struggles differently.
some days, i dont know why i am on a tightrope but i am. If i lose my balance and you touched me last, we are probably going to agree that i fell because of that touch, but it could be something else entirely and it might not be apparent for days, weeks, months, never.
my advice would be to let it come around. I am a different person if i feel danger coming around, I am a different person if i feel events stacking up to a bad outcome, I am a different guy when things are as they should be and the world is humming along safely and reliably.
Maybe you are the love of his life, maybe not on any particular day under that days circumstances, but thats the way it goes with PTSD, at least in my life.
Refer back to my opening sentence. hope it can be of help.

 

[Friday]

A child is dependent on their parents for love. A child will reach out to their parents for love. Normal parents will reach back to their child with love. Abusive parents do so too but only when it is convenient to them and serves their purpose, not always that of the child. The child learns that love is conditional and not normal. Love is rare. Love is short lived. Love is something that will only disappoint them. True love doesn't exist. Love is an absolute mine field.

You are expressing Love, the real kind of love. to him. But his mind doesn't believe true love actually exists, so he makes mental defenses to protect him from love hurting him. Seeing you in a control place for sex is one way of protecting himself. Not being around for emotional holidays is another.

When you rightful expressed that it seems he only is using you for sex, you expressed your frustration over the whole relationship. From his perspective, you saying the truth only further convened to him that Love is an exemption and not the Norm. It's not you. It's him.

Unless you’re the bloke she’s dating, that is some MASSIVE Mindreading.

I’m a combat vet. Zero childhood trauma, much less abusive parents, even less abusive parents who skewed my love-map in that exact way (as opposed the dozens of other ways kids with abusive parents diverge from each other in love/ relationships/ core beliefs/ etc.).

I get that he’s hurt and he has a right to feel that way but he’s acting in a way that someone would act when they find out their partner cheated.

Cheating is a common dealbreaker… but ANYTHING can be a dealbreaker for one person, no big deal to another, and desired above all else by a third.

For example? What you initially did wouldn’t ave been a dealbreaker for me, but what you did to attempt to make up for it? Absolutely is. X1000 if I’m travelling. For HIM, though? No idea if he’d love it as much as I’d hate it.