Sometimes I get in this state where I feel really in danger, if that makes sense. It makes me feel like I need to get the f*ck away. Oftentimes there is some kind of trigger, something sets off my danger alarm too much - which doesn't really take a lot sometimes - and I just have this overwhelming urge to run the f*ck away kick in.
It can happen at home, or in public, wherever. I can even have my logical side screaming at me that I'm fine and there isn't anything wrong and nothing bad is going to happen, but the feeling persists. Sometimes my logical side takes a break and lets the panic take over. When it's bad enough feeling, it can be better to just go with the feeling, and get the f*ck away, and get in my car and drive, because it's too intense to stand there and resist it. Once in a grocery store line, a little kid wasn't respecting my personal space - and like, he repeatedly would violate my personal space, and I just couldn't take it so I left. It made me feel really unsafe, and gave me an overwhelming desire to run away. This is the sort of shit that makes me think that working might go horribly.
Aside from the running away stuff, I constantly am expecting things to go wrong, or bad things to happen. When I am walking downtown (between this one place and my car) it gets pretty strong. I'm constantly expecting that people are going to try f*cking with me. There is a good number of homeless downtown, and when they approach me and say whichever line they have, even if it's just them trying to get my attention to initiate a conversation, I just go "f*ck OFF!!!" automatically, because that's the only reaction I can muster while feeling afraid, in that situation, I guess. I don't even know if I'm saying it to only homeless people. I think I just hear people trying to get my attention when walking on the sidewalks downtown, and I just tell them to f*ck off. It could be lost tourists for all I know. I am too busy powerwalking to my destination or to my car. I notice the people I'm going past but don't take in the details, I just see people and people = potential bad things happening.
The people downtown are also a problem. The tourists are fine, but there are a lot of bars downtown, and the bar crowd - a crowd of people I have a lot of experience with seeing as I spent years in bands, playing live music in bars - is just a bad crowd of people, and I have a lot of bad experiences with them. Only one experience that I'd classify as traumatic (liquor store clerk job, drunk group off of a party bus, me being cornered and one of them threatening to kill me, and beat me up, wait till I got off of work and f*ck my shit up when I left, loads of harassment, etc.). But, that experience, plus just knowing what they're capable of, has really colored my perceptions when I'm walking around, and I see people that are from the bar crowds. I just view them all as walking danger sources even though the majority of them are likely harmless. I reacted pretty hard after that incident working at the liquor store. That did happen in the middle of my abuse, though, so maybe that made it a lot harder for me to handle it and process it.