Do You Ever Question Your Trauma?

[theshadowoftheliving]

I've always had this fear for the same reasons.

I question my childhood traumas. But, I know that I was raped when I was younger (that's factual; I have legal and medical documentation). Yet, I continually forget about that rape, then remember, then forget ... What if the childhood stuff is the same way?

 

[A long road]

I've always had this fear for the same reasons.

I question my childhood traumas. But, I k...

Thank you so much for writing this. I feel like I've been so crazy because there are huge periods of time I minimize my trauma so much that I'm convinced it didn't happen. I actually feel embarrassed and disgusted with myself for 'lying' about it. Then when PTSD comes back the trauma is just coursing through my veins and I relive it on an amplified level. I have had two long periods of complete forgetting. But I also had a period of remembering and then I shut it down again and truly didn't have access to the information for another decade. It's so confusing. I've never heard of someone else experiencing this. Thank you for writing.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Without reading any replies, do I question my trauma? All the damn time! Theres pieces of me still in denial, pieces that want to back into denial, pieces that are fighting other pieces. But the "did i just dream it all?" happens a lot.

Because of it starting at a young age and then spending 10 yrs in denial, my trauma when i first came to my current therapist, was very framented. I spent 2 yrs 'remembering' it all and letting my therapist pulling it all out of me. I also had false memories (what happened was correct, whom did it wasnt) and through flashbacks (taken more seriously) and dreams (taken less seriously), talking a lot with my therapist, working it out in my head...i can now remember every crisp detail. But that took a long long time.

What i didnt do was question myself too much. I just let it come out and work out naturally. I cant really tell you how it happened or how i did it as i dont know other than it happened over 2 yrs talking with my therapist. I only did EMDR once. But the "did i remember this just right?" happens all the time. Ive learned, over time, to not question myself too much. Your brain naturally purges trauma. Let it come to you when it does.

My suggestion to avoid false memories, stay away from suggestion of any kind, including hypnosis as at its core, is suggestion. EMDR is great for memory intergration but unsure of how it works with false memories or things that are fragmented or arent there. My entire trauma still isnt there, my memory stops around age of 6 or 7 though thats not all of it.

Also, though its hard, try not to question yourself, your flashbacks, and your dreams too much. Work them out with a therapist but try not to question yourself to death.

:hug:

 

[mary1979]

I dont question my trauma so much as thinking I have no right to continue having issues or symptoms now, so many years later.

I hate that I feel like i use my past as an 'excuse' to behave badly now.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I hear ya on that one @mary1979 i think the same way. Not so much behaving badly as just having so many issues.

 

[void]

Without reading any replies, do I question my trauma? All the damn time! Theres pieces of me...

@lostforgottensoul

OMG!!!! do you see how much you have GROWN!!!!! WOWOWOW!!!!:happy:
only a person who has made serious progress could write what you just wrote...I am very impressed!:happy:
I'm proud of you!:happy::joyful:

 

[Mallaky]

Very much. About three times a week I go to my partner and tell him.
"I don't think I have PTSD. Its ridiculous. I am just a bad person."
to which he will answer.
"No honey, you are not. Why do you think this?"
"Because it was not so bad."
"They why is your brother no longer around?"

It is a comforting dance we have practiced diligently, and it really works.

 

[sun seeker]

I was just reminded of this thread when someone liked it. Had to read my post to remember what I said. There is one thing I can add now, two months later, and it's something I've never heard of before about body memory.

I am still recovering memories of the worst of the trauma. I may never know 100% what is real, but the themes are consistent enough. What has me taken aback, though, is that it seems from what I am experiencing like it's possible to have body memories that feel absolutely real, but that are of a trauma that happened to someone else in our presence if the trauma was early enough. As small children we don't have a solid sense of "me" and "not me." There are a couple of things that, from lots of inner detective work, I deduce didn't actually happen to me but to someone else in front of me, and my body sympathized so much that it recorded the memories as mine.

That doesn't make them false memories, because they are traumatic regardless, but it does make things super confusing. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

 

[Mallaky]

@sun seeker
Thanks for writing that. Helps me understand why there are a few events in my youth that I know happened, just not whom they happened too, me or my brothers.

 

[watundah]

Just this week I said to my T, "..if it's even real.." and her response was "Oh, dont get wrapped up in object reality because you can get stuck there!"

 

[sun seeker]

Object reality?

I could look up what that means, but I'm lazy. Or tired. Or both. What did she mean?

 

[watundah]

"The phrase "objective reality" means that reality exists independent of our minds. The description "objective" doesn't make a lot of sense on its own, but it does in comparison to the competing theory of the relationship between consciousness and existence."