Do You Ever Wish You Hadn't Fought Back?

[Core]

I know the opposite is usual, feeling guilty due to thoughts about not fighting back hard enough. But I find myself wishing I hadn't fought against rape, as I always had to give in at the end, and going through the same process many times simply enforced my helplessness.

Wondering if anyone else have or have had these kinds of thoughts? Could be any kind of abuse in any kind of situation, of course.

 

[Pencil]

Yes, although on a completely different level.

Instead of engaging with my sister, and getting a protection order, for instance, I wish I had decided earlier to cut ties with her, and focus on me and my daughter.

 

[Core]

That's very sensible and reasonable, Pencil. :)

 

[p-no]

Yes and no, Core.

Yes -- I often think that on top of my abuse, I have made the experience all my live over and over that my fighting back was to literally no avail at all. When I talk about that to my therapist, I give her the same example every time: "It's as if you have been run over by a truck on a main road. The first few times, once the truck has run you over, you try to get onto your feet again as soon as possible to get off the road. But when you make the experience that there's another truck coming as soon as you've managed to lift your head or sit up and get run over by that as well, and that happens over and over and over, you seriously consider just giving in and stay laying there."

Sometimes it is very difficult to live with that additional baggage. Sometimes it's hardly bearable (the amount of pain).

No -- You know, remembering my fighting back has mostly resulted in feeling strong, sane and proud for me. Because I know that I have faced my abusers and those "sitting around doing nothing". I know that when one of them told me or tells me today or even pretends they didn't notice, that they did notice because it was me who told them and it was really their own decision to not help or stop the abuse they did to me. I screamed it at my mother, just one example, almost every day, and no matter what she said and did and pretended to not understand or see, I know she knew and I know she decided it was not worth taking in and acting upon.

I think by fighting back I (we?) did all we could at the given time in the given circumstances. Another one, the abuser, being stronger does not invalidate the fight!

The Police here say that in certain situations (like rape), you might (!) be safer to play along. Having said that and having understood that in some situations that may be so, I would not be able to do it.

They may have enforced your feeling of helplessness and your actual helplessness, but you tried. What's so sad is that the other was stronger than you. I think for that you deserve a lot of compassion and care.

 

[Pencil]

I think for that you deserve a lot of compassion and care.

Yes.

 

[Core]

It's as if you have been run over by a truck on a main road. The first few times, once the truck has run you over, you try to get onto your feet again as soon as possible to get off the road. But when you make the experience that there's another truck coming as soon as you've managed to lift your head or sit up and get run over by that as well, and that happens over and over and over

That expressed it so well. What's funny is I could've ended the situation much earlier, taken the bus to another city so to speak, but I stayed on the road to the end, trying to just stand up and rather being run over again and again.

I screamed it at my mother, just one example, almost every day, and no matter what she said and did and pretended to not understand or see, I know she knew and I know she decided it was not worth taking in and acting upon.

That's heartbreaking, but I'm glad the child you were never gave up. You know you did your very best to make the person that should've protected you help you.

 

[p-no]

I could've ended the situation much earlier, taken the bus to another city so to speak, but I stayed on the road to the end, trying to just stand up and rather being run over again and again.

A lot of thoughts come to mind...

One is, haven't we all been there? I have, certainly, in my abusive marriage. It would even go that far that I would willingly step onto the road, lay down and be still so the truck (my ex-husband) could just let the truck roll over me most comfortably.

I am saying this because I think that hindsight always knows better. You were who you were at that point in time and life, and that's okay.

The second thing is: Hindsight obviously has it that you could have taken a bus. At the same time you're saying though "trying just to stand up". You can't leave the road to head over to catch the bus if you can't stand up because another truck's coming your way before you make it up.

You deserve to give yourself what you've given me in your last two sentences. Thank you for that.

 

[Core]

You deserve to give yourself what you've given me in your last two sentences.

Just thinking about it wrenches up all these feelings, one of them being very touched, that make it hard to reply, but thank you back.

It would even go that far that I would willingly step onto the road, lay down and be still so the truck (my ex-husband) could just let the truck roll over me most comfortably.

That's sort of what staying in the relationship was, but then again, I was so messed up I didn't think or feel much at all. The person I have to stop being simply said to herself that staying was necessary so he would have a place to live, it had to be like that to help him. Before all of this I had a well-working brain, which makes it difficult to be understanding of my own behaviour. You have a talent for metaphors!

 

[p-no]

I hear you, Core.

 

[safenow]

During the first break-in, even though my hands were being held over my head when i first work up, I tried to fight, and I am sure I got hurt worse than if I had just stayed quiet. For three days and nights they stayed, taking turns in what they did. As each of my alters kicked in, we all tried to fight them off, which means we got hurt worse than when we just let them do what they wanted to do.

I know they would have done things anyway, but I think perhaps I did make it worse on myself. But most of me thinks "at least we tried". Probably makes no sense, eh?

 

[Tanishq]

I have stopped fighting with siblings. It doesn't make sense. I decided to stop it because after some time it used to make me feel bad for fighting back.

 

[Core]

Probably makes no sense, eh?

Makes a lot of sense to me, at least. It's good that most of you can find some peace in knowing that you tried.