Do You Ever Wonder If It Was Worth It?

[sun seeker]

Gradually over the past few years I have become estranged from my whole family. There is a different story for each one of them, but basically it's a screwed up family that is never going to change. The only way to get away from the dysfunction is to stop interacting at all. This became clear to me when I started remembering sexual abuse and brought it up with my mother. Her reaction was the epitome of what our relationship has been all these years: somewhere between denial and an iceberg. In one way or another, everyone in my family has shown they couldn't care less about me. I'm not a scapegoat, I'm just a non-entity. I tried for years to change that and found the only thing I could do was stop interacting. You can't force people to care.

But damn it, I am more and more aware lately of how alone I am now. I find myself idealizing the good times - because there were good times. Less and less of them as the years went on, but there will never be any at all now. And sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. This is probably a distortion in my mind, but I wonder. Did I exaggerate how bad it was in my own mind to give myself the strength to walk away? Yes, it was bad. But how bad was it? I know no one can answer that for me. It just feels like my life has gone from bad to unbearable and sometimes I wonder whether denial would have gotten me further than opening Pandora's box. My symptoms have gotten much, much worse since I started exploring what happened to me, while from a distance at least, I see those who have not chosen to look at the truth at least functioning at some level. And I wonder what this "healing" is for. When am I going to get even to the level of functioning I was at when I started this journey?

Maybe I'm deluding myself by thinking I even had a choice. It's not like life was great and I decided to start poking around in dark corners for no good reason. Life sucked. But now it sucks worse.

Sorry, I'm feeling pretty discouraged at the moment.

 

[hodge]

For me, at some point, denial wasn't a choice anymore. Pandora's box opened and I became a wreck with PTSD. Over the years, I've sadly come to the conclusion that I probably won't be capable of what I was capable of before PTSD. It's devastating, but undeniable. But this isn't to say that you can't get better. You can, with therapy, maybe meds. I can't do the work I used to do, but I am not a total wreck anymore.

There's no reason to believe you won't have any more good times.. As you continue with your healing, you will find good moments, at least, that will sustain you.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so discouraged right now, but things can get better than this.

 

[sun seeker]

There's no reason to believe you won't have any more good times.

I realized after posting that, that it was probably misleading. I meant there will never again be any good times with my family. And I wonder how much I am idealizing the past, that I am thinking about the good times when in fact there were so many terrible times...

 

[hodge]

Maybe not with your family (though you never know -- my abusive mother has really come around over the years since she learned I have PTSD), but in your life, yes. I had a lot of terrible times, too, but there were also some good times. This stuff is rarely really cut and dried, black and white.

 

[Friday]

Depends on the situation.

The part of my history that relates? My exHusband? No. It wasn't worth it. I should never have left him. Yes he tried to kill me a few times, and almost succeeded once. Yes he'd drug & rape me. Yes he'd bring home STDs. Yes he would destroy anything precious to me whenever he was angry. Yes he made a quarter of a million dollars a year, but denied me access to any/all money & from groceries to medical bills I had to shoestring a budget together. Yes he would destroy the house in fits of temper (literally; walls & windows... As well as figuratively; furniture & belongings). Yes, he kept me as crippled and cut off from the everything as he could. But it wasn't really that bad. I could handle it. I should never have left, it wasn't worth leaving, & I should have stayed.

 

[Renestel]

I agree with Hodge, but want to throw any more out there to help you since you feel so alone. So sad how family is such a hot topic on here. It really creates some deep wounds and I am no different. My only advice is - you sound like me when I'm starting to let my thoughts play tricks on me or get the best of me. Shake them as much as you can. Like Hodge said, you made the most courageous and proper decision. "Yes it was bad-how bad was it" sounds like you are thinking of lowering your standards to gain the familiar which did have some good times. This is SO common. But I try to remind myself when I'm lonely- how many people can't even stand to be alone for one moment because the bad thoughts pop in. how many people take abuse over walking the road by yourself. LOTS. you are a survivor- a renegade. Give yourself credit and remind yourself of your strength in times you are weak. I don't know your political/life views, but this helped me a lot, and with the Canadian flag I see, I haven't met one uncool Canadian yet, (haha) so I will go out on a limb and relay something I lay back on: Rupaul is a famous drag queen. There is a famous quote that I grabbed as soon as I heard it from him- "In the drag world you get to choose your family. Surround yourself with friends and they will become your new support system". He lived a horrid family life as many of us and imagine the hate and rejection he received from thousands. I would just say work on getting a NEW family. a NEW support system. One that's functional, safe and healthy. My best and only friend just moved three months ago. So I know its hard. But keep fighting, keep trying and you will find a wonderful support system that will make you look back on your family and say why was I thinking of going back. I make an effort each week to keep in touch with my old BF. Maybe you have someone that is far away? If not, you have all of us!! ;)

 

[sun seeker]

Sorry @FridayJones, in that situation I would see things differently. I get your point. There are no two ways about a situation like that one.

 

[hodge]

Oh, wow, Friday. It sounds like it was awful. I for one am glad you left for the sake of your life.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't know your political/life views, but this helped me a lot, and with the Canadian flag I see, I haven't met one uncool Canadian yet, (haha)

Erm... I have. Like some of the ones who abused me for instance. :confused: Thanks for the compliment though.:D

I would just say work on getting a NEW family. a NEW support system. One that's functional, safe and healthy.

You know, that is the advice I have often seen, and it is good advice. The problem - and it really is a problem, I'm not trying to be negative - is that my symptoms have made that a lot harder than it would seem. I have enormous issues with attachment and trust because of developmental trauma. I have tried really, really hard to create that new support system, and I have one in a way, but it brings up issues of its own. There is always something new to work on.

 

[Friday]

I get your point...

<rueful laugh> I was afraid you'd take it that way. I'm actually being serious. Not because there were more good times than bad (there were lots of good times, there almost always is in abuse), but because my staying meant the abuse landed on me instead of my son. I've been outright suicidal over leaving; because what I gave up (the ability to protect my son from his father) wasn't worth what I gained. Where I was lucky, I knew my husband was an abusive prick, and I despised him for it. Betrayal. Betrayal of all things sacred and dear. In leaving him? I joined in that betrayal, it became my own; my one duty of care in life; to protect my son? Gone. That's why it wasn't worth it. The abuse happening to me I could handle. Happening to someone I love I cannot.

in that situation I would see things differently.

<grin> I'm glad you see that, though. :) It's always a lot clearer in other people's situations than our own, what is unf*ckingacceptable. Other people can say 10,000 times that we deserve better (blah blah blah ;)) but in our own hearts and minds? It's not so clear cut. There's always something that muddies the waters. For me my son. For you the good times. Clarity takes distance. And often? Something "else". Some thing that happens that just tilts the world on its axis.

 

[sun seeker]

I've been outright suicidal over leaving; because what I gave up (the ability to protect my son from his father) wasn't worth what I gained.

I see. No, I didn't get that the first time around. Your story seemed pretty clear cut to me. Then, if I actually remembered mine clearly, it would be, too. It's the fragmented/recovered memories that make me doubt so much.

Sigh. What in the world is the answer then?

It's always a lot clearer in other people's situations than our own, what is unf*ckingacceptable.

Yes. It's damn confusing figuring out which is the truth: sometimes I look at other people's situations and think I must be just a whiner to not be able to pull myself together when other people have it so much worse. Then on the other hand, it takes others pointing out how hard I've had it and how highly symptomatic I am, for me to see it, because I'm used to living my own life and don't know any different. (Like... really? Multiple perpetrators before the age of five might have messed me up? Ya think? But what if I'm malingering/remembering wrong/attention seeking/magically intuiting the symptoms of PTSD for no reason at all?)

 

[Friday]

We shall now play the universal anthem of DV & Child Abuse...

"It's not that bad... It was my fault... I shouldn't have... But what if they're right?"

Snort. My ex actually pulled the line "Who are you going to believe?!? Me...Or your own eyes?" On me once. He didn't find my doubled over laughing funny. I still find if funny. In a horrible, sick, twisted way. But still funny as hell.