Do You Ever Wonder If It Was Worth It?

[sun seeker]

Remind me, what is the tune for that again? My memory's not so good these days...

 

[sun seeker]

Okay, another question: does distance make any difference?

I've been thinking of moving, but am on the fence because I do have friends here and a darned good therapist (even though I wish he would be more available) and social connections of sorts, which are not easy to come by for a person with social anxiety like me.

Good reasons for moving include getting geographically far away from the possibility of running into family members on the street if I happen to forget (not that I ever do) what day of the week it is and when they are likely to be in town, and removing myself from all the people who think they know my family and sing their praises to me or ask me how they are.

There is no physical danger. That was over decades ago. It's the feeling that I have to hold my head down in public because I am the black sheep, going against the tides, the one who stopped talking to my poor long-suffering aged mother, and people who see her image as a nice little old lady tell (without knowing the full story, because I talk about it to very few people) that I should "forgive and forget."

Sometimes, I'd like to be somewhere I wouldn't be able to run into people who really have no clue but make it their business to act like they do. But again... is it robbing Peter to pay Paul? Is it better to stick around and get stronger in my own truth? I know no one can answer for me. It's just one more quandary on my mind.

 

[sun seeker]

My ex actually pulled the line "Who are you going to believe?!? Me...Or your own eyes?" On me once.

Oh wow... I had to read that one a few times to take it in.

 

[sun seeker]

Writing this has reminded me that the good times I remember actually stopped long before I cut my mother out of my life. It's not like everyone else is living it up partying together and I'm getting left out. There were no family get-togethers, no particular fun or warmth, for years before I left. The last time we all spent Christmas together was... well, I don't remember when it was. I just kept holding on to the possibility.

Today I packed up a whole lot of books to donate to the library and some of them brought up nostalgia about good times reading to kids. But that was a long time ago. I'm holding on to bits and pieces of the past, not present reality. And I have an invitation to spend Christmas with a family that really does want me. I just have to find a house sitter and I can go.

 

[Fadeaway]

<rueful laugh> I was afraid you'd take it that way. I'm actually being serious. Not because there we...

I hear you 100% I never would have left knowing what I know now. he told me that if I left, I would never see my kids again. I didn't really believe him. My kids were with his sister that day and he had thrown my keys on the roof so I had to walk to a pay phone to call for a ride to pick them up and thought to myself, "leave now, don't go back." Worst mistake of my life.

I think that sometimes, the aftermath of laving is much harder to take then the abuse. You learn how to cope in survival situations. You do very little thinking and a lot of doing, avoiding, staying out of they way, etc. but once you are out, you have all this time to think. For some reason, it seems harder to cope with non survival situations than when you are in survival mode. Sorry, I hope this makes sense. My glasses are all cloudy at the moment from tears. Hard to see the screen to know if I need to edit.

@sunseeker it seems like you are longing more for what could have been, instead of what was.

 

[sun seeker]

My kids were with his sister that day and he had thrown my keys on the roof so I had to walk to a pay phone to call for a ride to pick them up and thought to myself, "leave now, don't go back." Worst mistake of my life.

(((Fadeaway))) I can't tell you how sorry I am.

@sunseeker it seems like you are longing more for what could have been, instead of what was

Perhaps so. Or for a life where the little bits of good that I remember were representative of the norm.

What I really long for now, though? Is not so much for the family I didn't have. It's for the future that I am so afraid of not being able to create. I can envision it, but I am losing faith in my ability to make it happen. I am grieving over the damage that was done to me that makes it so hard to just leave the past behind and say "screw the past, I'm building something better." Because much as I want that, the damage is real and I have lost a lot of the faith I used to have in my ability to find happiness. I never stop trying, but with each failure it gets harder to believe.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My daughter has cut me off from her and the girls and I feel the losses deeply. It is true that I have too much time to think about it but I am still learning lessons in this ugly aftermath.

I really feel for you because I can relate to your loss. It is very lonely to stand alone and fight for yourself against all odds. I have found this to be true in my own life.

It becomes a process for me to work through one day at a time and I do better on some days than others.

I really feel for what you are currently going through because it is so painful and so full of grieving which I hate. I hate having PTSD but it is a part of my life now and I am working with what I have left.

I wish you the best in your healing journey. It is so hard when the masks come off and you actually see the ugliness behind them. I hate mind games being played on me and I imagine that you do as well.

It sounds like you have a solid base of good support to build upon and I can relate to the fear of bumping into them. You have to make a choice from a position of inner strength to carry you through the days ahead so wait and it will come to you as it will come to me as well. I am wishing the very best for you.

 

[sun seeker]

It sounds like you have a solid base of good support to build upon

I was with you up to there. This is the problem. I never, ever feel like I have a solid support base. Because it has been snatched away from me too many times when I started to think that. My life is like walking on quicksand, testing every step before I take it. How much of that is objective reality and how much is distorted perception is a question I am honestly not clear on. This is why I started my other thread on how the past affects future potential.

 

[Lionheart]

Speaking strictly for myself....

Starting a path of healing and getting professional help was absolutely necessary. It was that or take my life with drugs, alcohol, and other high risk behaviors.

Yes, it has absolutely been worth it!!!! I am functioning much better and I have a good life...(hard, but good).

Still, I have to tell you there have been times when I thought that I would literally grieve myself to death and die of a broken heart and spirit....(I didn't).

It is hard work, it is slow, and it is as unfair as hell.... But Yes, it is absolutely worth it to heal your wounds, care for yourself, and attain a better quality of life!!!

 

[angrypanda]

I understand your questioning if it's worth it and my mother played that self doubt game. Because she was afraid to leave completely and told herself it wasn't bad enough to justify leaving the whole family and therapy I suffered. I was the child caught in the middle, passed around and used for years. To this day she still says she didn't think it was bad enough to leave and she has to live with that guilt forever and i have to live with the scars.

Yes, it's that bad... Yes it's worth it!

 

[katz]

Gradually over the past few years I have become estranged from my whole family. There is a different...

Sun seeker,
I think I understand what your saying. I have never been part of my family either. I have very limited relationships with all my siblings. My younger sister lives in another country, so we don't see much of her. Just a note on the holidays. My bother and I were close when we were young. Now I rarely see him, except at family functions. My older sister--well, she is another story. Lets just say that there will never be any kind of relationship. She came to see my new house,(she lives about 30 minutes away.) That was the last time she came over. That was in 2003 !!

I know that I have tried to reach out. I keep getting turned down. At least that's how it feels to me. I long for a "family". I sadly know that they are not ever going to be the family that I would like. Both of my folks are alive, however, once they are both gone..there will be no family at all. I doubt that I will ever see them. My sister has both of her girls afraid of me. (at least that's the message I get from both of them.) I tried to congratulate the oldest one when she graduated from college--she told her mother to tell me that she was "uncomfortable" when I spoke to her. I was near tears. :(
I long for a loving family. I just can't get myself to give up on them. Instead, I just keep trying and failing.

I look back and see all the signs. The lack of emotion. The level of caring-or lack of. My mother actually told all of us that we "were all accidents". Is that a bad thing to tell a child (even an adult one??)?? What do you think?

I also am the "odd" one. Never quite fitting in. I'm the one with all the problems. I'm the one who went to the hospital a few times.(3) I must be the "problem" with the family.

One time I baked cheese cake for the family BBQ. No one in the family even tried it. I was very hurt. Now I only bring chips and dip.

When I first told part of "my story", the family erupted! Lots of yelling and accusing of me of ruining the family. I ended up being re-traumatized and apologized publicly for accusing him.

 

[sun seeker]

My mother actually told all of us that we "were all accidents". Is that a bad thing to tell a child (even an adult one??)?? What do you think?

What do I think? I think it's an uncaring thing to say, but whether it is bad or not depends on what you do with it as part of your healing journey. If it stands out like a sore thumb and your family is otherwise close and loving, that's one thing. It doesn't sound like that is the case, especially given their reaction when you disclosed what happened to you. If it showcases how your family is towards you and can help you understand why you are affected the way you are, it might help you in the end, despite how painful it is to hear.

I'll share a little of my own "not wanted" story to illustrate this. Years ago my mother mentioned to me as if in passing that she had an IUD when she got pregnant with me. She didn't realize she was pregnant until she felt me kicking, which would be about halfway through the pregnancy, and she spent the rest of the time terrified that she would give birth to a "monster" in her own words.

I'm sure she didn't think much of saying this. At the time when I heard it, I didn't think a whole lot, either. But knowing that has helped me immensely as I work on my healing. It makes sense of so much. Of the deep feeling of not being wanted, of being invisible, or being hated (my therapist says that's too strong and it is rejection not hate, but hate is how I feel it), of "I'm not supposed to exist" that surpasses anything in my conscious memory. All this helps me to understand myself so much better than I ever would have had I not known.

None of that makes it easy.

I had to stop trying with my family. The pain of rejection just wasn't worth it anymore. But no one can say for another person when it is time to stop.

I wish you clarity and peace in your journey. Thank you for sharing.