Do You Hide It?

[greenleaf]

Yes, and I hid a lot of it from myself too. :ninja::ninja::ninja: Trying to un-hide some now.

It did not seem like a real choice to attempt to "hide it" when a kid; it seemed a safety thing. I suspect that that deep survival part of my brain decided to do this stuff.

There are a few close friends that I've told bits to recently, and others over the years; otherwise I have hidden this from most non-therapists for quite a few years, and been moderately "successful" at "functioning". I usually try to figure out if a friend is going to view me negatively in some way if I tell them anything about this, before mentioning it. Old safety habits, I'm probably more careful than I really have to be at this point.

So, part of my current work seems to be unraveling what I did to hide things, figuring out what is actually safe to talk about, with whom, what emotions I squashed, maybe why, how to deal with feeling strong fear etc. while still functioning...

The current research work on dissociation has been really helpful, it's letting me put shape and words and use thinking skills with this stuff I'd hidden. Plus I've got a trauma therapist now, and several other great health care folks.

It's actually a bit scary for me to have people (health professionals) notice things about me related to this stuff, but they have been amazing so it's not too bad. I think this is helping me feel a bit safer with the idea of talking about bits of stuff with others, but I'd have to really consider each situation. It's also scary because their doing helpful things means the stuff might be real, in the real, current reality that isn't just my head or somewhere else...

@Solara -- I don't know what to say about whether my ptsd is "mild" because I can "successfully" hide it, i.e. "normal" people generally don't know I have it... I feel like part of my brain decided to do certain things for survival, and I am definitely fortunate in having been able to do some of those things... other aspects of it have really messed up parts of my life -- some that I'm only now seeing at age 50.

So, please let's not compare our ptsd "severity" based on whether we have hidden it; for some of us, hiding it all fearing everything would collapse somehow if we didn't, forgetting it, squashing the emotions, was part of the reaction... How do we even compare...

 

[violetclouds]

I definitely hide it - I am not ready to face people who will look at me like I am 'weird' or run away from me because of it so I just don't. Other than my husband and daughters no one knows - and it kind of sucks to be honest to be unable to tell and have their support.

 

[desiderata310]

So here's a tangent... for those of us who are single and have PTSD because of sexual abuse- childhood or not-, how do you date?
I can't. I really can't. I've tried. That is to say I will meet up with someone and have a cup of coffee or a beer and after that I just can't see them again. By that point I've already decided that they can't be trusted and are a threat. I can't even get to the point where I tell someone I have PTSD- let alone the why. I think I am ok with that, too. I mean, yeah, I get a little lonely but the option is making myself vulnerable and the thought of that makes me cry and freak out.

 

[IWIK]

Wow Thanks! That really helps make someone feel good about themself and their marriage. Some may know something is up...but I've never disclosed my diagnosis to anybody... no not even my husband until recently. And by accident at that. Not because I wouldn't get support but becausebecause that automatic survival mode of protection has been up so long I don't even know how to let it down. But Hey....Thanks for the words of wisdom!

...I think its sad to have a marriage where you can't even disclose such a life changing disorder with your partner. It doesn't seem like it would be much of a marriage, as in what is the point?

 

[IWIK]

There's much more to a marriage than a diagnosis.

For the partners who don't want to tell their partners, I agree with @Solara, seriously, why *are* you married? And are you happily so if you can't share your diagnosis?

 

[bell]

To me, marriage is about the ultimate freedom to be yourself. And to me, you're doing it a serious disservice by not being free within it.

But, you seem to be okay with this, so ultimately who am I to judge? I just feel sorry for anyone that makes a commitment as big as marriage and still feels the need to hide such a big piece of themselves. And if you still don't get what I'm talking about, maybe you'll never get it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I think you're in denial about something here, big time. If you're okay with it, cool. If you're not, best of luck in fixing it, because you have a lot of work to do... Which you can do, and it will be the best thing you've ever done, for you, your husband, and your marriage. You, we all, deserve that shelter that marriage is (and safe relationships are) designed to be.

 

[.Bubbles.]

I can't imagine being married (or even in a relationship) and my partner not know I have PTSD. I mean...how does that even work? Does he not ask why you act in certain ways?? Do you have to lie? I'm not judging, I just don't get how that kind of a relationship would work. It doesn't sound healthy or honest to me...

 

[IWIK]

Does he not ask why you act in certain ways??

He knew I came from a previously bad situation. That was the extent of what I had to tell.

 

[.Bubbles.]

If he knew about your past, why not say you have PTSD?

 

[bell]

So, not really the extent of "what [you] had to tell," but the extent of what you were willing to tell, no? I think the reason why this thread upsets me in a sense is that I hope that I never marry anyone who feels that they cannot tell me everything, especially regarding their mental health. To me, that is the antithesis of marriage is. Perhaps, @IWIK that's what marriage is to you and you're happy with it.

 

[IWIK]

If it were that easy I wouldn't be stuck here where I am now. I wish I had all the answers. I don't. Maybe it's easier for some than it is others? Still to this day even after it came out last year, I don't talk about it to anybody but my therapist. Him...or anybody else, do not know anything of the details or what happened other than "a bad situation " and left at that. Maybe someday I will be able to open up with it, I don't know?

I was not officially diagnosed until well after We were married @bell

 

[Whirlwind]

I didn't tell my husband for some time. I was diagnosed after marriage and I only came to realize teh extent of my abuse after marriage too.

I didn't tell him as I couldn't accept the diagnosis and am still very uncomfortable with it. I have since shared with one close friend and I regret having done so. Husband is only recently started acting supportive. My sharing with him has and will be limited due to his initial reaction. I hope this gets better but it is what it is for now.