Does anyone else feel like their PTSD is “too different”?

[littleoc]

Such as, you don’t behave like everyone else with PTSD, so you think you might be faking it?

My doctor, when I was 13, diagnosed me in under thirty seconds with PTSD, without really talking to me. They told me the symptoms and I followed suit. I felt like I was faking it and it bothers me now when people don’t have the exact same kinds of behavior as I do.

I think this goes back to my ex. She would tell me my life was too dramatic, so I needed to tone it down, otherwise she would know I was faking it.

But then she’d just call me insane.

I’ve been having thoughts like that since I was first diagnosed. Because the doctor didn’t really want to see me. I was in a hopistal setting for protection while I explained that my father was abusing us, which put me at risk for getting put into the foster care system. My chart says that I reacted by going into psychosis. My sister started saying I was the one kid who had to go to the “funny house” because she thought it was funny that I was crazy.

I’m sorry this is so childish, I’m supposing I’m just looking for validation. I’ve talked to therapists (over more than a ten-year-long period) about feeing like I’m faking it but they just tell me it’s “obvious with my history” even if they haven’t known me for more than a month, which is ridiculous because a history isn’t enough to diagnose someone. How do they know I’m not just lying like my dad does about everything? My ex told me I lied every single day, a psychopathic compulsive liar, and I really can’t shake it today. I feel like I’m supposed to be acting going to the grocery store scares me, when I know logically it doesn’t because it was a safe place as a child. But it feels like proof that I’m lying.

Does anyone else get this way? Should I just keep bothering therapists with it?

Thanks for reading, I appreciate it even if you have nothing to say

 

[Innordinate]

I don't think you could make this shit up if you tried. And even if you could....wth would you want to?

And I was diagnosed by a therapist as soon as I walked in his office. I was basically just 'told' I had PTSD. Truthfully, with police reports and hospital stays it was more than that, but to me if felt like 3 seconds. I wondered about it later before realizing it was more. And sometimes...it's just really that obvious.

I'm sorry your ex made you doubt yourself like that. My dad does the same thing. Over dramatic. It's too much. Liar.
Really hurts the process when you can't even believe yourself at any level.

Maybe try finding anything on the forums that 'fit' your experience with it instead of looking at the differences?

 

[Changing4Best]

Yup. My ex accused me of faking it too. Exes have a way of doing that, I think!

 

[Abstract]

I would suggest maybe just viewing those feelings and thoughts as symptoms of what she and others did to you, acknowledging them and the feelings they bring up, and then ignoring them as much as is possible.

I dont have the same story and history but have had extremely intense and even dangerous feelings and thoughts along this line. I think now partly because I was in some sort of weird denial, partly because of past emotional abuse related to self autonomy, belief and identity from parents, and partly because of some f upped, not very good therapy I had from therapists who were underqualified and overconfident. I also have some slightly off centre symptoms and not much ability to express them. That doesn't help.

You don't have to look exactly the same as others to have the same condition. Symptoms give a basic understanding of the context. How we express that can be as unique as individuals are and as individual as our life stories are. More specifically the interaction between the two.

 

[Freida]

Yep....mine doesn't fit in any boxes really and I've had decades to learn how to fake that I'm "fine".
And I tell my Ts all the time that I'm lying about everything. Because that's easier than admitting the truth. That my symptoms show the ptsd - not my story

 

[grit]

Thank you for sharing your story. CPtsd does feel fake and unbelievable!!!!!!! to our adult mind...I mean it is really hard to imagine our own parents could do such a thing to their own little child! I am now experiencing HUGE EXTREME DISBELIEF....it is like no way this happened to me....no way!!!!!!!!!

But the reality is I am here on this site, in therapy every week, digesting and dissecting crazy web of lies and hurt, abuse, terror, fear, rage and you name it of ugly and I have it.

So you are not a liar! You simply cannot believe what happened actually happened but guess what, actions speak louder than words, the way you are, those things happened. and I hope one day you, me and the rest of humanity accepts that what happens to children by their parents is the cruellest of all humanity!!!!BIGGER THAN ANY WAR!

You are in therapy and you are taking steps and I hope you find the light.

Ps. your ex saying those things about you...that is OK too because that is her reality not yours. most intimate relationships (when we are not healed in some area) bring out the same exact thing we did as children. So it is possible you hid, and lied and became the little child you were hiding stuff as not to hurt parents...it is possible but this means you were protecting yourself not out to deceive her and even if you were out to deceive her, you were in re-enactment of your childhood.

This is why it is important to have a therapist you can check the reality with so you are not living there anymore than necessary. Your ex did not want to check reality with you unfortunately but also she as another human had her limitations.

 

[IceQueencop]

So ther is a syndrome called “imposter syndrome.” It is generally applied to professionals who, despite their credentials don’t feel like they really are as accomplished as their credentials say they are. I read an article by a doctor with imposter syndrome, she said she uses those feeling of being an imposter to keep propelling her forward in her career.

How does that help you?

Assuming you have good days and bad days, keep “faking” it during the good days. I know I have days when I feel like I’m just fine and I can go out and conquer the world. But, then something will happen that will trigger me, and I’ll remember, I’m not really ok, I have PTSD.
Accept your good days for what they are. Having good days doesn’t mean you are faking, it means you are taking care of yourself and getting the rest that you need to heal.

May you have more good days than bad.
IQC

 

[AliciaEff]

I was diagnosed after asking to be, so I know how you feel. My therapist (MSW) had mentioned a few times “people with PTSD” or “post trauma symptoms” when referring to me and at first I was upset with her. I knept thinking “why does she keep saying that. I don’t have PTSD” until one day I decided to look up the symptoms and realized I might have it, so I asked a psychiatrist to test me for it and he said I had it.

At first whenever I said it outloud it felt like I was lying. It was almost a sense of dissociation where I felt like I wasn’t the one saying the words “I have been diagnosed with PTSD” it took me months to feel like it was true, but I still feel like a liar or like I cheated the system because I knew what symptoms to mention before my appointment.

You’re not alone in this feeling. It’s okay to doubt yourself sometimes, but if it starts interfering with your treatment, you need to find a way to keep that in check.

 

[MyWillow]

I’m currently wavering between thinking I have an over-active imagination or that I’m just plain crazy or that you couldn’t possibly make this shit up. Most of the time I’m with the first two. Flashbacks with no memory do that to you apparently.


Hearing ya. Sorry you are feeling this way because you come across as 100% genuine in your posts.

 

[mumstheword]

I get that all the time and have to review my history to confirm it. I started equine therapy today and had to tick boxes that describe me. I ticked "talkative" "kind" "friendly" and had to check in with my trauma T "does that fit for me?" because it felt weird I didn't tick any of the "negative" things, like "angry" "grumpy" "fearful" or "shy". I'm thinking "I don't look or sound like someone with ptsd". So I started feeling like I faked it. But then, I'm 45 now, and like Freida said, I've had time to learn to fake it and I have good days. My ex used to say "You present well" as if to say "You're good at faking that you're ok, but I know you're crazy". So there's that, too.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you all for your replies.

I wasn’t totally certain how to answer you all, and I still may try (I’ve been working on it), but in the meantime I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to reply to me. These answers meant a lot to me, thank you

 

[Nuance]

Well, since mine occurred when I was really young, I don't have many flashbacks or memories. My symptoms are primarily avoidance, dissociation, and hypervigilance. Because I don't have super vivid memories of trauma, I feel like a fraud but I have strong emotional associations with certain things.

My repressed trauma is from being abandoned at 1, living in several orphanages/being adopted internationally, and having significant medical procedures with miminal emotional support. A lot of my issues come from people not telling me everything before experiencing scary things. Like one of the few things I remember is the last thing my caretakers telling me was, "we love you but they are taking you away forever" with little to no explanation. To a 5-year-old, that's traumatizing.

So compared to most here, I feel like my experiences aren't "traumatic" enough to have PTSD despite the fact that a trauma specialist diagnosed me with PTSD with complex attachment/developmental trauma.