Does Anyone Else Feel Stuck, Detached, Lost?

[Holly08]

I am in trauma therapy and go once a week. I felt compelled to talk about my trauma to my therapist and I am suffering from more intrusive thoughts, memories, flashbacks, and panic attacks than I did before I started seeing her. I am losing sexual desire, am depressed most of the time and have recurrent thoughts of self harm and suicide. I won't act on that but there are some very dark, bleak moments to contend with. I feel as if therapy won't help...even though I know I need to be in therapy. I am 32 and just now seeking help for multiple sexual assaults and abuse. I have PTSD, General Anxiety Disorder and rapid-cycling Bi-Polar 1 Disorder. Treating multiple illnesses is proving to be challenging. I'm on meds and in and out of hospitals. Will there ever be any relief from this pain and fear? My symptoms are debilitating and I struggle to get through each day. I feel like a huge failure, a waste of space. Being a mother is my only motivation. I just want to feel normal, relaxed and calm. My anxiety is through the roof. Narcotics are the only thing that helps but I'm caught up in a viscous cycle in the medical community. They won't prescribe anything to me because I tested positive for THC. The only reason I started smoking was to manage my symptoms because after losing my job and insurance I couldn't afford my meds. When I finally found an agency to treat me, they took me off all my meds and prescribed new ones. This messed me up so bad that after quitting, I started back up again. Now I can forget getting my Ativan. I just hate the mental health system. I'm tired of feeling selfish because I'm so needy...with so many mood disturbances, health issues and such makes me feel like I can't give more of myself to my family. At times I'm so emotionally numb I don't even feel love. Although I know in my heart I love my family deeply, sometimes I wonder if I will actually "feel" it again. My therapist says I've disassociated and stems from my childhood. Will I ever get me back again? In addition to all of this, I constantly have chest pains from stress? I just found out I have high cholesterol and bradycardia (a slow heartbeat). I feel like I'm gonna die of a heart attack one day.

 

[The Albatross]

With all due respect... it was the self medicating (testing positive for THC) ... not the decision to discuss your trauma to a therapist that got you the unwanted consequence of having difficulty getting your medications. The fault here lies, not with the medical system, but squarely with you and how you chose to cope. You chose to self medicate.

Chemically insulating, is feeling selfish because it is an addictive pattern and it does or can numb you out so as not to not only feel love but put you in a position to give it to your family.

Holly your post is loaded with denial and avoidance of the real gorilla in the room. You say narcotics are tho only thing that help but that a consequence of your own actions prevents you from receiving them. My first husband was an addict/alcoholic... I myself am a former alcoholic. I get the numbing out thing. But girlfriend, you aren't doing yourself any favors by blame shifting.

 

[Leah123]

I am in trauma therapy and go once a week. I felt compelled to talk about my trauma to my therapist and I am suffering from more intrusive thoughts, memories, flashbacks, and panic attacks than I did before I started seeing her. I am losing sexual desire, am depressed most of the time and have recurrent thoughts of self harm and suicide. I won't act on that but there are some very dark, bleak moments to contend with. I feel as if therapy won't help...even though I know I need to be in therapy. I am 32 and just now seeking help for multiple sexual assaults and abuse.

Hi Holly. I just wanted to say- I relate, and I am sorry. I'm sending you a big hug if you want one. It's hard to cope but it does get better with hard work in my experience.

P.S. It absolutely sucks that we have to do the hard work- the saying about children suffering for the sins of their fathers seems so true to me, but... the work ends up being well worth it. Take care!

 

[Hashi]

I'm only going by what you said here, and based on that it sounds like you need much more stability and better coping before talking about trauma. It seems like far too much to be trying to handle all at once. Reading your post is like a whirlwind. You can't heal from trauma in the middle of a whirlwind, although you can heal from trauma when you take things one step at a time.

What have you and your therapist talked about in terms of grounding, stability and coping? What skills are you practising, and how much do you do them? I'm wondering if for a while you need to use therapy to focus on getting stable and putting solid resources in place. Especially if you have a history of self-medicating, which I also do so I'm talking from my own experience.

In my case, I have a tendency to create chaos around me (and within me) without even realising I'm doing that. On one level, chaos is comfortable. It's always been scary for me to be quiet and look at things. It's always been scary to even slow down and take deep breaths. But that's exactly what I have to do. That and a lot of other good coping skills. I have to manage without self-medicating or falling apart, and that needed to be in place before I could work on trauma.

 

[Seasounds]

My thoughts echo Hashi's. I would add:

1. I've improved most when therapists have given me a solid and consistent foundation, where they gradually have helped build my skills to deal with (e.g. talk, feel, etc.) trauma. It has been useful to move slowly, rather than fast.
A good therapist will help you find a balance of being grounded, and dealing with traumatic feelings.

2. THC doesn't interact well with psych meds. You might ask for another Provider to meet with you for a few visits, a week or two apart. If you find the right balance of meds, you will have a better sense of connecting to yourself. You might consider hearing a new provider's recommendations.

3. I've benefited from integrating natural (nutrition, meditation, exercise, and yoga) stress reducers, so I could find ways to relax without meds. This took time; it allowed me to eventually reduce my meds. The result was that I felt more associated and connected to myself. Daily 'tending' to yourself, helps, on all levels.

Hope you feel better. Thanks for you honesty.

 

[DMerish]

Being a mother is my only motivation.

I don't have much to add to the above replies. I think they're all very worthy of your serious consideration. I'll just add two things:

It often happens during therapy that things seem to get worse before they get better, and what was said about learning grounding and coping techniques is very, very important. It will help not only while your learning to deal with what's gone on and your PTSD symptoms, but can also help you in regular day-to-day activities throughout your life.

And, being a great mother to your child(ren) is an absolutely fantastic motivation, and the best thing you could give them and yourself!

 

[Gary Brents]

Holly, big hugs. ..
I can relate to your situation, on so many levels. I lived in silence with the multiple life involved traumas, for years. Self medication, was a norm for me, back in the 80s, but since I got sober ( in the late 80s,I was left to suffer with no sense of being able to get the help I felt I needed.

As someone else here has stated, (or what I perceived in their statement), the taking responsibility for the self medication issue, was the first issue of why I felt so isolated from the people who I cared for.

With that said, I realized that everything I've been doing, with all the false beliefs I have, that I had to give in and vest myself to breaking old cycles. Not a comfortable thing to sit in and trust is, and was a huge issue for me.

I guess that once I really realized, that I am not alone and that there are other folks who are going through it as well, it somehow helped.

I too often find myself feeling that I am not getting the support I am looking for. My therapist often asks me to reflect and identify what my expectations are, and what am I looking to gain in getting the type of support I am craving.

Typically, I have to admit, I'm very seldom able to articulate what I am looking for.

My therapist typically will ask me to go to grounding exercises, and sit in the feelings I am having. In most cases, I'm finding that the problem lies in my choices, my interpretations, and lack of communication with those I believe should be supportive.

I also had a revelation of the fact that others are not responsible for our feelings, but they can communicate and if I am truly open to the feedback, they will try to make themselves available to meet your needs, after some boundary negotiations.

Keep in mind that unfortunately, each of us have issues to deal with, which are emotionally taxing. If for some reason they are not available, it absolutely is not a reflection on you, or your need for support. Please try to give yourself and others in your life, the grace of recognizing that their lives have responsibility elsewhere as well. This also means that they have the responsibility to monitor their own mental and physical limitations.

I often find myself feeling that this is a hard pill to swallow. I often find myself sitting in my head, and trying to get grounded enough to utilize the tools my therapist taught me to work through my issues.

I know that this post may seem harsh, but I am sorry for this. I know that it seems uncomfortable for you, at times, just try to trust your tools and in your process. However, try to stop trusting the process of self medication. It truly is not a productive solution.

Hope this helps.