Does anyone else feel too dependent on therapy?

[Friday]

. I guess I get lost in the fear of feeling something so I get locked in to focusing on how to evade that. It feels crazy. Lol.

You might look at it AS a function of avoidance.

 

[Friday]

Just to expand a bit...

Avoidance is sneaky clever. It rarely picks unrelated things to tangent off of, in my experience, or we’d notice it happening & screech to a halt. Instead, it flows so smoothly that we’re often miles down river, in completely different territory, before we even notice. If we do notice. So the ways avoidance kicks in are often super useful, especially if there’s a pattern.

Which means things like feeling needy (or I like them, trust them, want to bring things to them) probably tie into your trauma stuff... but before you even know it? You’re so caught up in your relationship with your therapist and how you think/feel about them and how you want to be perceived / who you believe yourself to be (them-you-them-you-them-you) that the trauma work? Is not only 3 counties over, but what question gets begged? Should I even be in therapy? This relationship is so big, it must be the problem that needs solving, right? (Not the trauma) Am I too dependent? I’m too dependent! I should quit.

Swoosh. <blink blink> How did that happen???

I wasn’t even thinking of pulling back, much less quitting. How did I get from wanting to discuss things with them to quitting???

Trauma... relationship... quit = no more discussing dealing with trauma. No more feeling. Escape!

Avoidance is a seriously sneaky bastard.

 

[hithere]

Reality is that I am a pretty competent business person. I own a huge company and do millions of dollars worth of business a year. How can I be reduced to a 5 year old mentality with a thought or memory? It feels crazy.

I understand this feeling and reality. Totally get this...

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm starting to doubt there is any good to therapy and that it's merely a snake oil treatment

There are good therapists out there.

Please don’t lose hope!

I found my current therapist out of sheer luck! I already went through intake at the local behavioral health organization and was assigned to her in part because she takes my insurance. I kind of hit the jackpot because she used to work with traumatized kids at Sheppard Pratt and understands sensory issues. I think God looked down and said “well, you’ve suffered enough with crappy therapists...” I will cry if she leaves, which may depend on if her husband ever gets a new job.

I urge you to keep looking and don’t give up hope!

 

[hithere]

don’t give up hope!

Thank you, Eve.

 

[Rumors]

Just to expand a bit...

Avoidance is sneaky clever. It rarely picks unrelated things to tangent off of, in my experience, or we’d notice it happening & screech to a halt. Instead, it flows so smoothly that we’re often miles down river, in completely different territory, before we even notice. If we do notice. So the ways avoidance kicks in are often super useful, especially if there’s a pattern.

Which means things like feeling needy (or I like them, trust them, want to bring things to them) probably tie into your trauma stuff... but before you even know it? You’re so caught up in your relationship with your therapist and how you think/feel about them and how you want to be perceived / who you believe yourself to be (them-you-them-you-them-you) that the trauma work? Is not only 3 counties over, but what question gets begged? Should I even be in therapy? This relationship is so big, it must be the problem that needs solving, right? (Not the trauma) Am I too dependent? I’m too dependent! I should quit.

Swoosh. <blink blink> How did that happen???

I wasn’t even thinking of pulling back, much less quitting. How did I get from wanting to discuss things with them to quitting???

Trauma... relationship... quit = no more discussing dealing with trauma. No more feeling. Escape!

Avoidance is a seriously sneaky bastard.

Uh.... yep. It has a lot to do with an alcoholic parent, a dead parent, lots of memories of abuse, feeling like most people will leave my life and i can't stand how bad that feels, knowing that I am drastically different than most people I know and that my life experience started at four while most of their experience didn't start until much later... the things I have seen, heard, felt, and stuffed look like a bad movie. I hate that I can't know what being in a friendship is like without wondering when it will end or what it's like to be all in. I work a lot. That helps. ?

 

[Abstract]

I remember conversations in the past so have a sense of how you usually respond to therapy. Have to say that as a result of that when I read this I wondered if it was sign of progress in a sense. Relationships and feelings about other human beings are greatly affected by trauma and super indiependent doesn't have to be terrible thing but often in this context has stuff buried in it. And peeling away a little of those walls is pretty painful but may not be all bad.

Our perception of overly dependent can be very subjective and distorted by our usual world view filter and the way we have responded to trauma. Some people probably see their real overdependence as normal and the opposite for others. In truth it is the most normal thing in the world want to someone to help us when we are in pain and suffering. When you are trying to discuss things that are so horrible and shouldn't have happened.

I don't profess to know this is the case but these were my thoughts. Good luck sorting through this.

 

[blackemerald1]

I normally stuff it and deal with it on my own best I can.

That tactic doesn't seem to have made you happily ever after has it? I mean it works really well for a little time but not for a long time. I think we all do this to an extent.

I think because it makes me feel shame and weak that I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my shit in one bag.

Professionally you are very near if not at the top of your game but emotionally you are struggling. This is a frequent circumstance for a high functioning professionals to find themselves in. You are comparing the adult you with the child you.

Also you are pretty harsh on yourself.. do you see that? Where does that come from?

I wish I could just sit in her waiting room all day bc I am so scared of my own shadow

Me too.. I wanted to go there today.. I have been tossing up whether to do just that. Just to feel a bit safer. Instead I made an emergency appointment and I go in tomorrow.

I just have never depended on anyone consistently for support. Even as a young kid, teenager, young adult, adult. I always took care of myself for the most part. It makes me want to quit and run. It's scary.

Sounds like you had to grow up real fast and you did it well. In doing so you skipped, jumped and hurdled your way into a comfort zone of professional success whilst trying to leave behind a damaged little child who desperately needed true care.

Now it is here again, never really gone, facing you down again via this therapist and why you need her. You are likely finding it extremely confronting that all of your success as an adult has not resolved the distress of your childhood. But it isn't a failure on your behalf. It's not a weakness either and no shame belongs to you. It's hard to acknowledge that you didn't have adult choices when you were a child but it is the truth.

Support doesn't mean capitulation. You still walk out of the door after each session as an adult. You don't lose anything by therapy or telling/discussing/processing your childhood trauma.

It might be impossibly slow to see progress at times but even by you questioning the benefit of therapy and the capability of this therapist and you ability to disclose to your therapist is actually progress! Have you been in this place before - where you are contemplating such things?

It's very hard and a slow slog to take away the walls and layers that you have constructed over your childhood. Trust is critical for you. Do you trust this therapist. Have you talked about trust with her? I think trust is a concept you may struggle with?

I'm curious to hear if any others are able to finish a therapy with a therapist and move from a level of emotional dependance as you move through painful memories, to leaving therapy in a healthy manner. (I'm starting to doubt there is any good to therapy and that it's merely a snake oil treatment)

I'm sorry that you are doubting this. Yes it is quite possible and it happens a lot. I suppose no big parties are thrown when someone reaches these milestones because it is the type of situation that is quietly enjoyed, constantly tested and privately treasured. It's definitely not in the realm of snake oil salesmen.. well not in my experience.

Uh.... yep. It has a lot to do with an alcoholic parent, a dead parent, lots of memories of abuse, feeling like most people will leave my life and i can't stand how bad that feels,

Add betrayal and loss to your disinclination to trust and I think you are heading towards a crap childhood but despite this you survived and even thrived. These are huge childhood losses.. they become and shape the way we deal with the world and people. It's not much of a leap then to see you struggling with revealing trauma to this therapist. It is a really big deal and it takes a lot of time. Breaking down those walls and letting down the draw bridge for one person that you have yet to fully trust is exceptionally hard. Do you feel your T deserves to be trusted?

. I work a lot. That helps

And it's a great avoidance tactic isn't it? lol And it's also a way we measure our own success and how we think other people measure our value.

Btw I don't mind the word crazy... it describes my chaotic reasoning and my explanation for a lot that goes on in the world. I know it's not pc.. but nevertheless it's your post and you can use that word.

I'm sorry you husband isn't more supportive and cannot be trusted to keep your confidence about your experiences. I don't share with anyone in real life except for T and psydoc either. It is terribly, deeply lonely not having someone on your side who isn't a professional. But on the plus side they have to adhere to confidentiality and privacy laws.

There are plenty of people around who also do not fit in well with group settings so that's not a major failing in my view. We are all entitled to have our differences.

 

[Rumors]

Also you are pretty harsh on yourself.. do you see that? Where does that come from?

I hate the cliche "because my parents expected perfection" but disappointing them meant they withheld love and you got ignored so I hated coming in second. Lol.

Do you trust this therapist. Have you talked about trust with her? I think trust is a concept you may struggle with?

In a round about way yes we have discussed trust and 95.7423% of the time I do trust her. Where I falter is my own negative cognitions. Yesterday was a bad day for me in that respect as you can tell by my post. I had a rough day and I panicked because in my head I thought "I don't know how to deal with this feeling and I wish I could run in and ask my therapist xyz..." then I freaked out bc I realized that I *might* be more dependent on that relationship than *I* want. But yes, we have discussed it somewhat.

Do you feel your T deserves to be trusted?

Yes. She is human and I don't have some fantasy about her becoming my mother, or actually big sister bc we are too close in age, but I respect her opinion greatly. This isn't anything about her, it's me. Even if this had been a conversation about my friend I would be questioning whether or not I am too dependent on that friendship. Now, I wouldn't share my childhood story with a friend but you get what I mean.

Btw I don't mind the word crazy... it describes my chaotic reasoning and my explanation for a lot that goes on in the world. I know it's not pc.. but nevertheless it's your post and you can use that word.

Yes, I don't mean that in a derogatory manner but what I feel sometimes makes me feel crazy and that is very real for me. Thank you for understanding what I meant by that.

I'm sorry you husband isn't more supportive and cannot be trusted to keep your confidence about your experiences.

Me too. I realize no one has a perfect marriage but I see other people having a partner in life to share things with and I find myself feeling sad (ugh and I hate that too bc it makes me feel weak and dependent) that I don't have that. It's a complicated marriage but he would likely be done with me if we didn't have a child.
THANK YOU for your reply. It helped reading through it and I feel like you understand where I am coming from. I am off to work for another day of avoidance. Lol

 

[Rumors]

Have to say that as a result of that when I read this I wondered if it was sign of progress in a sense.

I think you could be right. However, I fought this puppy tooth and nail...lol I wish I could just give in to the process and maybe there are times where I can better than others but right now I just want to recoil. Then I get mad that I even posted here.. that is a form of dependence.
I have come SO FAR since I started this journey. In the past I lived in denial and avoidance 24/7. I can't believe the things I have discussed and gone through. It is actually amazing and a testament that it does get better. I was doubting myself yesterday bc I had a rough emotional day which freaks me out. I couldn't step away from it, push it far enough away, and it made me *want* to discuss it with my therapist which then sent me into a fit. It feels very crazy but it's just where I am right now. Thank you for the reply.

 

[rosey]

I wanted to echo @rosey comment:


and add that I forgot to add the same thing, dependence on others feels weird to those of us who have been hurt in that area. That is why people who are alcohol dependent are usually suffering from childhood traumatic experiences etc.

It is actually a normal thing in most relationship. I depend on my husband and he depends on me. Without dependence, our relationship would be chaos and extremely unorganized. But do we depend on let us say for every thing like my feelings and my own mind - absolutely not because I am not his child and he is not my child and does not have to tell me when to eat, sleep or poop or think..LOl right?
I have my own thoughts but I completely depend on him for a lot of things. In short, yes you can depend on your therapist, until you learn your internal dependency campus which you (or many of us with dependence issues) did not learn as a child. Because you are conscious of this already and cannot close your eyes, I feel, you will reach a point where you will see the difference between today and that day and go yeah...I love my therapist but I do not depend on her like I had a year ago...something like that. This is an example.

Just wanted to expand Rosey's comment cause it is really an important one.

well said

 

[Mach123]

It's not her pushing me or not being respectful of my pace, it is me who has this come up and feels the need to regurgitate it like bad salmon. Once again, I just haven't ever been that way. I normally stuff it and deal with it on my own best I can.

I don't get emotional. Ever. Like no crying and really no anger. I know I feel anxiety, lonely, and sad in a way but I can't relate to the emotional aspect of much. I would love to if it made all the rest of this shit go away.

Ugh... I don't like the thought of that not because she isn't worthy or hasn't been completely helpful and trustworthy but I think because it makes me feel shame and weak that I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my shit in one bag. I have been working on some of my stuff via emdr and I swear there are some days where I wish I could just sit in her waiting room all day bc I am so scared of my own shadow. That is insane... Plus, no one else knows so I don't have a good support group bc I don't do well in group type setting or sharing. Lol. I really suck at it honestly. Reality is that I am a pretty competent business person. I own a huge company and do millions of dollars worth of business a year. How can I be reduced to a 5 year old mentality with a thought or memory? It feels crazy.

I DONT depend on my husband. He depends on me but he isn't a nice guy sometimes so I don't share anything with him bc he will use it against me at a later date or tell all of his friends.
I don't like feeling this way. I just have never depended on anyone consistently for support. Even as a young kid, teenager, young adult, adult. I always took care of myself for the most part. It makes me want to quit and run. It's scary.

Regurgitated bad salmon ROTFLMAO