Tornadic Thoughts
VIP Member
I experienced my worst rage-filled moments while being a multiple med guinea pig for several inaccurate diagnoses (and having ptsd actively ignored by the professionals), on top of being a f/t step mom, f/t state employee, college student, while taking on the administration of the place I worked for multiple unethical issues, and that's also when the peri-menopausal stuff kicked into high gear, too.
I even installed a speed bag in my home office and a punching/speed bag combo in my office at work to aid me in trying to more healthily release the energies that I couldn't contain and express well, at all. It was a huge help, but I still struggled like a mofo.
And on top of all of that, I learned I'd been fueling my body with all the worst possible things (all those synthetically created food-like substances and all of those energies being absorbed at least three times a day, every day, by the horribly treated/killed/neglected animals being exploited for their "products") creating ongoing time bombs of a ton of symptoms being labeled so many different things that I could no longer keep up with it. What a f'n nightmare. I damaged multiple door jams, drawers, etc. from endless slamming, bent knives from slamming them into the cutting board, yelling more often than not in response to any type of discomfort, not to mention the damaged psyches of those who had to live with me. I didn't like me at all, and it showed.
After a medical emergency prompted a drastic lifestyle change that had me eliminate animal products, I resigned from the job I had, we moved to a wide open space surrounded by nature, I found healers of a wide variety who were willing and able to barter, and I no longer required prescription intervention or maintenance, I feel so much more grounded, usually. It's sort of a catch 22 at times, though, mostly because of my new lifestyle that has brought much relief. I can often become enraged at the ease in which most folks casually look at the meat, egg, and dairy industries and that makes it really hard for me to want to interact with some folks. While trying to actively remember that I, too, once didn't give it a second thought because I'd also been taught they were necessary and just a normal part of life/survival. I hadn't yet connected the repeated rapes and abuse that happened to me to ALL other living beings also being repeatedly and forcibly inseminated to produce more "products", being kept against their will for the various pleasures of others, and such. Now that my heart has made those connections, I can never look at things, or humans, the same and it tends to get overwhelming in most "typical" spaces.
I no longer slam things as much, but still find myself slamming one particular door every so often, but only when I'm home alone now. I also use primal screaming as an energy release. Breathing techniques were a nothing short of a miracle solution to easing the initial anxious feelings that sparked so much despair. I'm still in awe of it. We now live in the woods and I have sufficient alone time to let it all out on a regular basis, and it's a great tool, even if only screaming into a pillow, along with singing at the top of my lungs, banging on my frame drum, bouncing on my mini-trampoline, grabbing the hula hoop and seeing what all will move with me this day, or just randomly dancing for no reason. Or I may just curl up and take a nap and hope the feelings subside. It'srarely the same exact remedy twice, as it has to flow with the moment, and my flow used to be damned, big time.
I used to store everything up until I exploded. Now I try to channel it or guide it in a somewhat more productive direction, whenever possible. Things festered into some nasty symptoms when not dealt with, but at the time, I wasn't able to recognize the roots of my emotions and called those symptoms many other things, as did the doctors. I feel I've improved in actually speaking (or emailing) my emotions as they come up and that's made a huge difference. That whole suppression scene ate me alive, from the inside out. I had always been taught to spare others' feelings at the cost of my own because that's what a good daughter/wife/employee/student does. Energy maintenance truly is the key (for me)......that whole "energy flows where attention goes" theory has proven true for me.....repeatedly......you'd think I'd eventually catch on and navigate self much more smoothly and consistently.....but the struggle remains......and likely always will.
I even installed a speed bag in my home office and a punching/speed bag combo in my office at work to aid me in trying to more healthily release the energies that I couldn't contain and express well, at all. It was a huge help, but I still struggled like a mofo.
And on top of all of that, I learned I'd been fueling my body with all the worst possible things (all those synthetically created food-like substances and all of those energies being absorbed at least three times a day, every day, by the horribly treated/killed/neglected animals being exploited for their "products") creating ongoing time bombs of a ton of symptoms being labeled so many different things that I could no longer keep up with it. What a f'n nightmare. I damaged multiple door jams, drawers, etc. from endless slamming, bent knives from slamming them into the cutting board, yelling more often than not in response to any type of discomfort, not to mention the damaged psyches of those who had to live with me. I didn't like me at all, and it showed.
After a medical emergency prompted a drastic lifestyle change that had me eliminate animal products, I resigned from the job I had, we moved to a wide open space surrounded by nature, I found healers of a wide variety who were willing and able to barter, and I no longer required prescription intervention or maintenance, I feel so much more grounded, usually. It's sort of a catch 22 at times, though, mostly because of my new lifestyle that has brought much relief. I can often become enraged at the ease in which most folks casually look at the meat, egg, and dairy industries and that makes it really hard for me to want to interact with some folks. While trying to actively remember that I, too, once didn't give it a second thought because I'd also been taught they were necessary and just a normal part of life/survival. I hadn't yet connected the repeated rapes and abuse that happened to me to ALL other living beings also being repeatedly and forcibly inseminated to produce more "products", being kept against their will for the various pleasures of others, and such. Now that my heart has made those connections, I can never look at things, or humans, the same and it tends to get overwhelming in most "typical" spaces.
I no longer slam things as much, but still find myself slamming one particular door every so often, but only when I'm home alone now. I also use primal screaming as an energy release. Breathing techniques were a nothing short of a miracle solution to easing the initial anxious feelings that sparked so much despair. I'm still in awe of it. We now live in the woods and I have sufficient alone time to let it all out on a regular basis, and it's a great tool, even if only screaming into a pillow, along with singing at the top of my lungs, banging on my frame drum, bouncing on my mini-trampoline, grabbing the hula hoop and seeing what all will move with me this day, or just randomly dancing for no reason. Or I may just curl up and take a nap and hope the feelings subside. It'srarely the same exact remedy twice, as it has to flow with the moment, and my flow used to be damned, big time.
I used to store everything up until I exploded. Now I try to channel it or guide it in a somewhat more productive direction, whenever possible. Things festered into some nasty symptoms when not dealt with, but at the time, I wasn't able to recognize the roots of my emotions and called those symptoms many other things, as did the doctors. I feel I've improved in actually speaking (or emailing) my emotions as they come up and that's made a huge difference. That whole suppression scene ate me alive, from the inside out. I had always been taught to spare others' feelings at the cost of my own because that's what a good daughter/wife/employee/student does. Energy maintenance truly is the key (for me)......that whole "energy flows where attention goes" theory has proven true for me.....repeatedly......you'd think I'd eventually catch on and navigate self much more smoothly and consistently.....but the struggle remains......and likely always will.
