Sexual Assault does being triggered ever stop completely?

[Skywatcher]

Thank you @tacit that’s really helpful! And makes more logical sense than stuff about “attracting these people” which I see a lot in like new age stuff. Whenever I hit a boundary or create a new one I panic. I think it’s because I didn’t have them before and don’t think I deserve them. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll end up having so many boundaries up no one gets in and then I panic. I have so many things I’d like to enforce but I don’t.

Boundaries aren’t concrete. They can evolve and change over time. For example, You typically give a young child a bed time. As they get older, the time gets later and eventually they may be creating their own bed time.

 

[tacit]

I didn't feel as though i deserved it either. And i may be stating the obvious, but it took me a long time to realise that establishing & maintaining boundaries actually had little do with what others were or weren't doing. It was huge for me, empowering to, coming to terms with it being more about my actions, eg. me not making excuses for them, actualky changing

 

[tacit]

my responses to them & maybe my availabilty as well, me not defending or explaining myself, etc.

 

[Tinyflame]

, me not defending or explaining myself

I didn't know that was part of boundaries.

 

[tacit]

Hi @Tinyflame ..because i didn't believe i deserved it, i would defend my requests & explained my no's. By doing so i was implementing very weak boundaries, if any at all. Such as, instead of saying sorry no, i'm not able to help as i need more notice. I would put my needs aside & what i needed to get done (& probably something i could've done with some help with - but of course not ask for it), say that next time they must give me more notice & go & help anyway. And, no surprise, i wouldn't get the consideration next time either.

I know this is a simple analogy but it was difficult for me on all levels & lot harder on some.

The moment i said i can't ..& didn't ..& said give me some more notice next time & i'd be happy to help, i started getting the notice i needed. Therefore stronger boundaries in place. ?

 

[Tinyflame]

That is very true @tacit , thank you for explaining. I didn't think of that sort of thing as boundary related, more so as guilt-related.

 

[tacit]

Probably a bit of both. The more you deal with the guilt, shame, fear of repercussions, & the rest that comes up ..the more able to implement healthy boundaries & do it in a healthy way (i was pretty rough in the beginning ?). And the more you implement healthy boundaries & do it in a healthy way ..the more people respect your wishes & therefore confirms that there is no shame or need to feel guilty or afraid. Like most things with trauma, it all seems to intertwine.

 

[Tinyflame]

@tacit I think that's all very true. Thanks very much. :hug:

 

[Mee]

@tacit that IS helpful.

One of the things I am thinking about increasingly now is also the red flags I missed in places, people and ..... my own choices. Not in a self blame way- but a further numbing to red flags.

Hmm. For example-I mentioned to DH I’d seen a course on ‘white fragility’ I would like to read - and noticing my reactions and dismantling my opinions about this during that conVersation was really clear to me how I was myself ‘fragile’ not just about my belief about this but in squashing my belief to make space for others. I am increasingly thinking this about media choices etc. I’m not sure how to both remain open minded and yet feel able to address within self And explore externally , about how being too openminded might be damaging. It’s so huge a subject and I think I might be afraid of any conclusion I reach.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I can still sleep, which is good. I have healthy dreams. I just don't want to deal with this for the rest of my life. And I'm so scared of being re-traumatized I doubt I'll ever have sex again. It doesn't seem possible to be in a relationship with sex for me.

I was three too when it started, so I appreciated your share and how hard it must have been opening up. It frees sometimes another’s mind prison of the ‘why me’ or is it reincarnated karma or where was God? No matter how many times I think it is resolved, no matter how many years I work on it in therapy there are those fragments that resurface. Your thread and those who spoke soothed the edges of this jolt.

Insofar as the part I quoted, I wanted to offer that perhaps when you feel loved by someone, making love will take on a different role or form. There is a difference: our bodies know the difference much of the time. And if and when we flash back during making love - our partner we fell in love with may help us through.

At this season, I stay for the most part single. I don’t pressure myself to couple, date or meet the current - cultural sexual time table but I feel very alive! I found worth and value inside myself. I found joy in so many other facets or expressions of my sexuality or sensuality. And yes, despite all plans- I do still get the occasional additional trauma but the positive side to that... is I lived long enough to do so. ? and laughter < if you accept

So perhaps consider what you can do and strengthen it fully, while giving yourself permission to move forward when you are ready in a unique style that is all about you. So much joy to be discovered from just being able to breathe a little freer. So me too. I hear you and you are not alone.