Does my t really not care or am i projecting?

[EveHarrington]

Maybe she was 100% focused and compassionate the whole time, and you misread it...or...maybe...

Super like!

 

[Scarlet13]

Scarlet,

I am soooo right there with you. I'm on my third therapist and it has happened every time....

Thanks for these words. I have thought a lot about them. I am going to take your advice and work through this with my T. Thanks for making me feel not so alone and for the part about discussing my relationship with my T as being the work. All day today I have been just pissed at the world thinking EVERYBODY does not care. My boss (who I have an attachment to) doesn't care about me, no one cares and I am left behind, rejected ignored. And my T seems the most careless. I just saw my narcissistic mother and I felt for the first time tremendous pain that I had not been able to access because I was trained by my mother to see her as perfect.
So, all of these feelings are so displaced, but at least they are coming out. I am trying to label it all as "the voice of pain" and not buy into "the careless world perspective".

Yeah, the only way to make this better is by working through the issues. I used to have weird at...

No, that's the problem with regards to healthy relationships that I do have. I have a loving husband and I have a hard time accepting this. I basically have an anxious/avoidant attachment to the world. My T helps me and has given me self esteem and I shared with her this progress and it seemed she didn't freaking care. I regret sharing the progress now. Sometimes I want to kill myself because "I'd be doing everyone around me a favor."

I know your feelings really well!!!! It sucks. It sucks so so so so so much. It helps to talk...

My T does reassure me, what a great question/point. She always talks about this with me. She tells me the attachment to her is necc to do good work. She does seem to care often, if I can clearly see it!
She told me I need to be strong in facing/dealing with all the pain and terror in my attachment to her. I just either want to be a very perfect patient so she does not reject me or I just want to leave her for another therapist. I just want to yell at her, "f*ck you! You don't f*cking care!" but I probably will not do that. I think these are all reactive behaviors. I need to do more mindfulnesss responses, like this. This is reflective.

Maybe she was 100% focused and compassionate the whole time, and you misread it...or...maybe...

I like many of your points. I think that is a great way to think about my T. Yeah, maybe uf she is dealing with a lot she might not be focused on me. It is hard to remember that or accept it because I want her full focus because she is my "mother"
I disagree with finding a new T because of my intense attachment. Mt T says this attachment is necc to do good work, but seriously I hate the maternal attachment.

 

[Muted]

I can relate to feeling upset when t. is off. It is easier for me to take a step back now, because I fully trust her and realize she has an incredibly difficult job and it would be hard to do what she does every day.

All t's are human beings too and face their own challenges. I try and focus on all of the times she has been consistent with me and that percentage is amazingly high. If she has an off day once in awhile, I'm ok with that. I know that she has her own life to deal with also.

 

[PointlessExistence]

I like many of your points. I think that is a great way to think about my T. Yeah, maybe uf she is de...

It is an unusual situation, with she saying that the attachment is necessary and such. I don't know. I definitely can understand the idea behind it. I definitely can understand why you want that. It's the type of thing a lot us want(ed), but I know that now, for me at least, it's the last thing I need and would just feed more into my issues.

But I hope it can work for you. I really like your positivity brand of vulnerability. Your outlook is very genuine and refreshing. I for one, would like to hear about this working out well as you go forward. Let us know.

 

[Scarlet13]

She is a trauma focused T so she has actually been cultivating that attachment on purpose.
I dont think its necc uncommon, but its actually common. She is working with the transference so this gets confusing at times and is hard to do but I am making progress.

 

[EveHarrington]

I like many of your points. I think that is a great way to think about my T. Yeah, maybe uf she is de...

Seriously, no.

It's not true that this dysfunctional level of attachment is necessary to do deep trauma work.

It's maddening that 99% of therapists learned this crap in school because it's not true.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Seriously, no.

It's not true that this dysfunctional level of attachment is necessary to do dee...

I was wondering about that. My t's stance is that it's normal that it's happening given my past and that transference with anyone for a longer amount of time is going to happen but that it's more of something just to deal with. That it's there but to not let it run the show. Which is easy for her to say lol. But yeah, I'd be really, really curious about why it would possibly be NECESSARY since it seems to get in the way so very much.

 

[Scarlet13]

Seriously, no.

It's not true that this dysfunctional level of attachment is necessary to do dee...

So I have attachment anxiety that is yes, dysfunctional. A dysfunctional attachment is not required, but some attachment is. My T has stated that trauma work is effective when there is an attachment between therapist and patient, ideally one that is secure. So, that is what I struggle with. I am attached to her, which is good and does help trauma work, but I have anxious/avoidant attachment issues, that I am slowly working on.
I also have a psychiatrist who cultivated an attachment to her. This attachment that she created literally saved my life from severe post partum insomnia.

I was wondering about that. My t's stance is that it's normal that it's happening given my pas...

I am not really sure if it ultimately is necc for every one. What I should have said was that my T feels its necc for me. She believes that all of my trauma occured in the context of a relationship so it is thru a relationship that I can be healed. But seriously it sucks.
All of these responses have helped me a lot.

 

[Sideways]

A healthy attachment with your T is necessary. But I agree with @EveHarrington that a 'maternal' attachment? Isn't necessary. She's not your mother, she has a very different role to what a healthy parent would be.

There is definitely a healthy medium to be found - somewhere between avoidance and clinging, where the T becomes our partner in recovery, rather than a surrogate parent.

 

[Scarlet13]

I can't really help the maternal transference that is just there.
My T did not orchestrate my maternal transference to her. She orchestrated the attachment, the maternal transference just happened. She is only 4 yrs older than me.
I have always created "pseudo mothers" with teachers, older friends ect. I did not realize I was even doing that. This maternal transference feels the most healthy because it is with a therapist.
I wish I did not see her as a mother, and I don't really. It is hard to describe. I see her as my doctor and there are maternal needs that were never met that come out.
I don't think this whole process is really all that dysfunctional, there is a reason it is happening.
It is not like I expect my T to make me soup or take care of me when I am sick, I know she is not really my mother, but I am projecting all my maternal pain into her and this is an excruciating process and actually very necessary. Transferences and attachments are going to come up in trauma work for many people with history of abuse especially and I believe if they are dealt with then really good healing is possible.
Thanks everyone for your responses you all have really helped me.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I can't really help the maternal transference that is just there.
My T did not orchestrate my materna...

I'm with you! I don't want it, either. Honestly I wish my t would adopt me and have me live at her house and teach me all the things a mother should teach their daughter. I am 36 years old lol! And I can't help that desire, either. It will never happen. She will never love me. And yet I keep going there, that kid in me pining away for it. It's not helpful for me. It keeps me from talking a lot of the time cause I'll think SHE thinks everything I say is dumb or that she hates me. My talkspace t told me maybe it would help to "tell on myself". So that's what I'll try. Anytime I'm mind-reading my t I will say it and then express what *I think of me or the situation. To try to get the fixation off of her. Worth a shot. It's killing me though. So much love to you! Props for staying the course even though it's so hard!!

Wouldn't you think SOMEONE from this forum would've gone through this and mastered it? "This is how you heal it!" Come forth, stranger, and teach us your ways!!!

 

[PointlessExistence]

I really see Scarlet's side of this. I was similar to her until just a couple of days ago, and then I switched gears. I'd been going deep in my head for days, deeper than ever before, raging at my father. After each crescendo of rage, I'd feel a weight lifted and a feeling of innocence. But then would come the same old confusion - even wondering if the abuse wasn't somehow my fault, and if it wasn't my fault, was I conveniently using it as an excuse for an evil inherent hatred I had for my father. That's when, after decades, I finally gave up on breakthroughs.

And my story with therapists was similar to Scarlet's. There was no way I could trust any of them enough to get anywhere near a breakthrough. I would imagine what might happen after months of therapy, and my mind would take me to a place where I saw myself getting close to recovery and then having the rug pulled out from under me by the therapist in some way, the ultimate betrayal, the ultimate confirmation that I am not innocent, that I am not loved by God, that I was born to be abused.

I wasted so many years trying to prove to myself that I'm good and innocent, and of being ashamed of myself for not being able to. But now I know the game is rigged, and I won't play into it. Now I know that I don't have to be miserable. I don't have to stay on the hamster wheel. But at the same time, I am closing the door on a lot of the things we all want. I'm turning my back on the idea of having an emotionally fulfilling life and of being able to trust.

Scarlet doesn't want to do that. She wants more. She wants the life she should've had. Although this therapist attachment may be a dangerous proposition, she knows that such trust and attachment is key for her to be able to be vulnerable enough to get to her core, the way to really 100% fix what's broken.