DavivaVinci
New Here
Ok I'll try to keep this short (thai‘ll be hard), I have no idea what you people have been through, nor do I claim to understand.
I just need you guys to tell me if you believe I have PTSD, maybe my problems seem "trivial" to your experiences and I do not want to offend anyone.
I am aware PTSD is a very serious disorder and those who suffer it usually has been through... literally HELL.
So all my empathy goes out to you and I'll be incredibly grateful if you can answer me if I show symptoms of PTSD or if it's just Panic disorder to the extreme.
I know none of you can diagnose me over the internet, or none of you are professionals, blablabal, forget all of that, just give me your honest opinion please, that's all I ask.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE read this and give me your honest opinion.
I'll keep my story short and factual.
It all started at age 4-5, my dad wasn't around, ever, he was a strong drug addict, my mom suffered a lot from all the shit she had to go through with him,
and my new stepfather was a powersick f**k, who loved to scare the shit outta me and my bro and I remember locking myself in my room in fear of him, it was mostly verbal abuse,
however a few times he could get "slightly" physical, but nothing serious like beat unconscious or anything..
At age 10, I had "body dysmorphia disorder" which I cured later when other problems became way too overwhelming to care about "looks".
However already at that age I was having suicidal thoughts, I think it was a relief to think "if it gets too bad I can just end it".
I never attempted any suicide or wanted to die, I just wanted to be happy.
At age 13, I fell inlove for the second time, (i grew up fast), this time was TRUE love (yea a teenager always says that huh?) however, this was true love.
I'd die for this girl any day, we was so inlove.
However there was a lot of drama involved, the usual teenage drama, but way more severe too, her parents hated me, and hated that we was together.
Somehow my insecurities turned into jealousy.
I was always stressed (I also suffer OCD/Pure O) so, I thought up scenarios that had no place in reality, but it still f'ed me up emotionally and mentally on a daily basis.
Then ONE DAY, out of the blue, with no warning, she dissapeared after we had been together everyday for 3 years, her parents moved OVER NIGHT.
All I got was a text message "sorry, I love you, but I will never see you again."
I went mental, it was like she died.
I just felt my whole life dissapeared from that second on.
I was in denial. I just denied it and was determined no matter what our love would lead us back together and refused to believe it was over...
However in this period, I started smoking pot (not particulary because of her, although I know I never would have if it wasn't for her dissapearing into thinair in a split second without a goodbye, but mainly because I no longer gave a F).
So I started smoking weed daily, 24/7, atleast 15 joints a day, all I did was smoke weed, listn to music, and go out partying, and became a little anti-social.
Still had friends, but not as many and "outgoing" as before.
I thought about her (not particulary she dissapearing, but just her) atleast 20 times a day.
The dreams I had however was always about her meeting me, then dissapearing, or not being able to be together.
I didn't lose any sleep over this, but it haunted me in my dreams.
Our Romeo and Juliet story hadn't ended, she took contact with me after 1 year and we met up, and everything was back to normal those few hours we met up without her parents knowing it (she had moved so many hundred miles from where I lived that it's a miracle we managed to meet "half way" in a town between us (now we was 16)
She said "i love you, but this will never work" (because of all the drama and her parents).
I was crushed again, because I know that no matter what, if you put your heart into it, nothing can really stop you from getting what you want, but she was always "shy" and didn't dare to stand up to her parents.
At the same time I was flunking school, (i had hated school since I was 8), smoked so much weed and got arrested several times.
At the same time, my dad (who was a street living heroine junkie) died infront of me, this was when shit got bad.
At this time I just said **** IT ALL.
I got caught by the police again and spit in their faces and shit because they hated me, so I said **** 'em, which I got a bad sentence for + community service.
However one day, after doing community service I came home, and smoked weed (as usual) but this time it triggered a panic attack (never had experienced this before), it was the first of 40 in the next 20 hours.
I was so certain I was dying, I laid on the couch shaking worse than a epleptic person does during a "attack".
I was 100% sure I was dying, lying on the couch telling my mom I loved her and I was going to die any second (I was 100% sure).
however after the delusional crazy panic "psychosis" which lasted NONSTOP for 20 hours finally ended, I realized ok, this wasn't me dying, THIS IS ME GOING SCHIZOPHRENIC.
So I continued to have atleast 10 panic attack's a day, and became so severely depersonalized and derealized I started wondering if the world was a dream, I remember stabbing myself with a knife just to see if I could feel it (that's how dead I feel 24/7)
The Pure O(mental ocd) became very bad at this point: I was sure I was becoming psychotic and started developing a hypochondriac obsession that I was losing my mind (because of the feeling from 24/7 panic attacks and derealization which leaves you feeling the "outside world" do not exist and in a sense you become delusional.
Me and my "Juliet" kept having contact now and then online/phone, and she loved me, and when I told her I didn't have a girlfriend atm, she broke up with her boyfriend and talked with me daily and I know she still loves me.
I still keep (now 5 years after the “break up” keep having drams of her from time to time, always the same scenario, we being together then something making her “having to leave me”)
However this is the least of my worries at the moment, I'm trying to regain my ability to feel ANY emotions and SANITY in my mind, the basic fundamentals of "life".
Writing this feels like writing a hollywood major drama screenplay, but ****, this is actually my life up to this moment...I feel so dissociated from it.
Somehow I intellectually think I should feel proud I am alive.
I read about people killing themselves over so little, and I'm still here.
However as I'm 24/7 panic disorder and have to eat 5-10 valiums a day to not kill myself, and I'm so depersonalized and derealized I can't feel emotions or feel alive I can't feel any "proudness" or "feeling strong" for surviving anything.
As I'm not "LIVING", i'm merely breathing.
My only hope is that this isn't PTSD and uncureable, the only thing that has kept me from a overdose is the hope that this shit is beatable, NOT treatable, but 100% beatable and I can get my whole life back and all this will only become bad memories.
(YES, I do not use drugs, or even alcohol anymore)
(YES, I've quit all caffein products as I knwo they induce anxiety)
(YES, I've been to shrinks)
(YES, I tried SSRI's and I rather shoot myself than ever touching that again, maybe ecstasy, but no SSRI, all they did was make me temporary impotent, which only gave 10times more anxiety and depression).
Thanks so much!
I just need you guys to tell me if you believe I have PTSD, maybe my problems seem "trivial" to your experiences and I do not want to offend anyone.
I am aware PTSD is a very serious disorder and those who suffer it usually has been through... literally HELL.
So all my empathy goes out to you and I'll be incredibly grateful if you can answer me if I show symptoms of PTSD or if it's just Panic disorder to the extreme.
I know none of you can diagnose me over the internet, or none of you are professionals, blablabal, forget all of that, just give me your honest opinion please, that's all I ask.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE read this and give me your honest opinion.
I'll keep my story short and factual.
It all started at age 4-5, my dad wasn't around, ever, he was a strong drug addict, my mom suffered a lot from all the shit she had to go through with him,
and my new stepfather was a powersick f**k, who loved to scare the shit outta me and my bro and I remember locking myself in my room in fear of him, it was mostly verbal abuse,
however a few times he could get "slightly" physical, but nothing serious like beat unconscious or anything..
At age 10, I had "body dysmorphia disorder" which I cured later when other problems became way too overwhelming to care about "looks".
However already at that age I was having suicidal thoughts, I think it was a relief to think "if it gets too bad I can just end it".
I never attempted any suicide or wanted to die, I just wanted to be happy.
At age 13, I fell inlove for the second time, (i grew up fast), this time was TRUE love (yea a teenager always says that huh?) however, this was true love.
I'd die for this girl any day, we was so inlove.
However there was a lot of drama involved, the usual teenage drama, but way more severe too, her parents hated me, and hated that we was together.
Somehow my insecurities turned into jealousy.
I was always stressed (I also suffer OCD/Pure O) so, I thought up scenarios that had no place in reality, but it still f'ed me up emotionally and mentally on a daily basis.
Then ONE DAY, out of the blue, with no warning, she dissapeared after we had been together everyday for 3 years, her parents moved OVER NIGHT.
All I got was a text message "sorry, I love you, but I will never see you again."
I went mental, it was like she died.
I just felt my whole life dissapeared from that second on.
I was in denial. I just denied it and was determined no matter what our love would lead us back together and refused to believe it was over...
However in this period, I started smoking pot (not particulary because of her, although I know I never would have if it wasn't for her dissapearing into thinair in a split second without a goodbye, but mainly because I no longer gave a F).
So I started smoking weed daily, 24/7, atleast 15 joints a day, all I did was smoke weed, listn to music, and go out partying, and became a little anti-social.
Still had friends, but not as many and "outgoing" as before.
I thought about her (not particulary she dissapearing, but just her) atleast 20 times a day.
The dreams I had however was always about her meeting me, then dissapearing, or not being able to be together.
I didn't lose any sleep over this, but it haunted me in my dreams.
Our Romeo and Juliet story hadn't ended, she took contact with me after 1 year and we met up, and everything was back to normal those few hours we met up without her parents knowing it (she had moved so many hundred miles from where I lived that it's a miracle we managed to meet "half way" in a town between us (now we was 16)
She said "i love you, but this will never work" (because of all the drama and her parents).
I was crushed again, because I know that no matter what, if you put your heart into it, nothing can really stop you from getting what you want, but she was always "shy" and didn't dare to stand up to her parents.
At the same time I was flunking school, (i had hated school since I was 8), smoked so much weed and got arrested several times.
At the same time, my dad (who was a street living heroine junkie) died infront of me, this was when shit got bad.
At this time I just said **** IT ALL.
I got caught by the police again and spit in their faces and shit because they hated me, so I said **** 'em, which I got a bad sentence for + community service.
However one day, after doing community service I came home, and smoked weed (as usual) but this time it triggered a panic attack (never had experienced this before), it was the first of 40 in the next 20 hours.
I was so certain I was dying, I laid on the couch shaking worse than a epleptic person does during a "attack".
I was 100% sure I was dying, lying on the couch telling my mom I loved her and I was going to die any second (I was 100% sure).
however after the delusional crazy panic "psychosis" which lasted NONSTOP for 20 hours finally ended, I realized ok, this wasn't me dying, THIS IS ME GOING SCHIZOPHRENIC.
So I continued to have atleast 10 panic attack's a day, and became so severely depersonalized and derealized I started wondering if the world was a dream, I remember stabbing myself with a knife just to see if I could feel it (that's how dead I feel 24/7)
The Pure O(mental ocd) became very bad at this point: I was sure I was becoming psychotic and started developing a hypochondriac obsession that I was losing my mind (because of the feeling from 24/7 panic attacks and derealization which leaves you feeling the "outside world" do not exist and in a sense you become delusional.
Me and my "Juliet" kept having contact now and then online/phone, and she loved me, and when I told her I didn't have a girlfriend atm, she broke up with her boyfriend and talked with me daily and I know she still loves me.
I still keep (now 5 years after the “break up” keep having drams of her from time to time, always the same scenario, we being together then something making her “having to leave me”)
However this is the least of my worries at the moment, I'm trying to regain my ability to feel ANY emotions and SANITY in my mind, the basic fundamentals of "life".
Writing this feels like writing a hollywood major drama screenplay, but ****, this is actually my life up to this moment...I feel so dissociated from it.
Somehow I intellectually think I should feel proud I am alive.
I read about people killing themselves over so little, and I'm still here.
However as I'm 24/7 panic disorder and have to eat 5-10 valiums a day to not kill myself, and I'm so depersonalized and derealized I can't feel emotions or feel alive I can't feel any "proudness" or "feeling strong" for surviving anything.
As I'm not "LIVING", i'm merely breathing.
My only hope is that this isn't PTSD and uncureable, the only thing that has kept me from a overdose is the hope that this shit is beatable, NOT treatable, but 100% beatable and I can get my whole life back and all this will only become bad memories.
(YES, I do not use drugs, or even alcohol anymore)
(YES, I've quit all caffein products as I knwo they induce anxiety)
(YES, I've been to shrinks)
(YES, I tried SSRI's and I rather shoot myself than ever touching that again, maybe ecstasy, but no SSRI, all they did was make me temporary impotent, which only gave 10times more anxiety and depression).
Thanks so much!
