Relationship Does Your Vet "sneak"?

[Deleted member 28812]

If I need my husbands help with something I call "Hey, husband, help me".

Two things:
- He hates it
- He never answers back

Instead he comes to help me with whatever I am doing but he does not hurry, he comes sneaking at the slowest possible speed. So I call "Hey, husband. Husband, are you there? Did you hear me?". Then suddenly he pops up out of nowhere and is annoyed because I "cry wolf" according to him. So we just had an argument. He told me to call once but how should I know if he heard me?

Someone - @Sweetpea76 I think suggested that I should text him but I can only do this if I have my hands free and in this case I don't need his help anyway.

Is this a Vet thing? A PTSD thing? A personal dislike?

 

[anonymous]

Is this a Vet thing? A PTSD thing? A personal dislike?

Unless you actually do make a habit of crying wolf, then I'd say it a 'being a bit of an arse' thing. If he can't be bothered to respond to you, then he shouldn't complain when you call again - interested to know, if it's the other way round and he needs your attention, what happens if he doesn't get it?

 

[StarChild]

"Hey, husband, help me"

"Hey, husband. Husband, are you there? Did you hear me?"

WOW! This sounds, as if you're calling for a child, a dog, or an unvalued person... I too, would not come, if you would call for me in this way, and I'm a woman...

Is this a Vet thing? A PTSD thing?

No, and no, It's a "man" thing on his side, and a thing of, well... tactfulness and showing him true appreciation on your side.

Why not ask instead of demand? And when asking, why not ask him for his help in a friendly way, which shows him, that you really value his help? i.e. "Darling (or first name), would you please come and give me a helping hand? / I need your help right now, darling. / This matter needs some strong hands, would you please help me with this? Oh, and never ask if he "could" help, come, do this or whatever. Always ask if he would. Otherwise he "hears"; "Oh, she's doubting my ability to do this." And I'll bet he won't come to help you...

I'd like to recommend a book for you, as I sometimes feel, when reading your thread and questions, that there are some misunderstandings, that have nothing to do with PTSD, but with man / woman relationship. It's called: Men are from mars women are from venus, by John Gray. - It's really an eye opener on many levels, and it's not a dry read, but more of a funny one.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Thanks for an opinion, but I am not a person who walks on eggshells in a marriage... and he is not such a person... and I really would say saying "help me" instead of "could you help me?" is the issue.

He never complained about me saying it in a disrespectful way. His problem is me asking for help at all when he thinks that the issue is not really important. I think because it startles him.

However. Our house is big and I have to call really loud. So calling "help me" is much easier than calling "darling, if you don't mind, would you please help me". Basically because of the size of the house you can never be sure if the other one heard you words - so rather use as little words as possible.

So "did you hear me?" is not ment to be an insult. I am really not sure if he heard me.

My husbands likes me to say "Yes, this" or "Yes, that" when he says something because he can be sure I got what he said and he sometimes will do this do. Sometimes even parrot it back to you. Anyway. Sometimes he sneaks and doesn't say a word or make a noise and you cannot really be sure he is coming until he is there. I wonder if he expects intruders in our house - or why does he sneak?

I would really appreciate some input from Vets or spouses of Vets.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

BTW of course I don't call him "Hey, husband" but by his first name but I did not want to write it here and replaced it with "husband".

Thanks for the book recommendation.

 

[Justmehere]

At first I didn't think this was Related much to his PTSD.

But, maybe part of it is. I have PTSD. if I am in a large and generally quiet house, and someone suddenly calls out loudly - that would startle me. That would kick in my fight or flight response, at least a little. When I'm startled, I'm generally not happy to agree with or help the person that keeps starling me. I generally have to take a few minutes to chill before I respond. If someone keeps startling me, even unintentionally, or ben pushing me to engage, more of my fight or flight response gets activated. Not less. Even if I cognitively know I'm safe. It takes me time to let myself relax for a moment before I can engage and help effectively. If I help too soon, I can see how I might be inclined to be more crabby about it or less motivated to help.

As far as slowness - there could be a lot of reasons for this. Maybe his own hands are full, maybe he didn't hear you the first time, maybe he is taking time to calm his nerves from being startled, and maybe by the time he does respond, he's now irritable and irritable people may make comments like that the person asking for help doesn't actually need it. Only he knows the full reasons why he does not respond faster. It could or could not be related to ptsd symptoms.

Whatever is going on, it's ok for you to ask for help. It's also ok for him to say no or not right now.

Putting each other down, his attempt to invalidating your request or help, and your invalidating his perhaps indirect request for more space - that's not really going to get either of you anywhere.

What might be more useful is to tell him you would like to have his help more often. Then validate him in some way. Tell him something like you want his help because he is really good at helping or whatever would fit. Lots of people like to feel useful and respected. You can say you noticed that sometimes he doesn't come as fast as you would like, and ask him what you can do so that he is able to come and help more quickly and more often. Compliment him. People take in negative feedback a lot better after they have been validated or complimented in a truthful way.

Critizing people tends to make them not want to help.

If your goal is to have him help you more often and more quickly, you may have to be the first to shift the pattern of how you both communicate around your requests for help. It's not fair, but I think you have the courage and insight to do it and it might lead to more of the outcome you want and need: his help more often and more quickly. It may even help him feel more respected too.

As far as his comment that you are crying wolf, that might go back to him possibly being startled and then coming and seeing that his level of adrenaline and fight or flight response to your calling out for help doesn't match the actual need. He's been through a lot - perhaps situations where someone calling out for help meant danger was present. His feeling that you don't actually need help at times might also be more about his discomfort in asking for help for himself. For me, asking for help at all feel very scary vulnerable. I'm overly independent as a result and honestly, sometimes I get confused why people ask for help with certain things.I don't judge them for their asking for help, it just seems safer to me to do everything I can do on my own. I used to only ask for help if my life was in danger. Everything else, it felt dangerous or stupid for me to risk being vulnerable and ask for help. But that's all trauma related thinking for me. I know it's not healthy thinking. But I didn't always know that it wasn't healthy to do everything I could do on my own.

Maybe this is true for him as well. If so, it may take him time to learn that interdependence is safe and normal. That's it's ok to ask for help even when someone's life isn't in danger.

As far as "could you help me?" vs "help me" - it's not about walking on eggshells or not. It's about respecting the fact that he had a choice in the matter. Many people are generally more inclined to help when asked to help rather than directed to help. Many people like to say "yes I can help you" a lot more than they like to submit to a direction to help someone. If you want him to help you more often, you might have to ask more, and direct less. Asking often feels more vulnerable and takes more effort for many people, while directing someone to help feels less vulnerable more purposeful and simple, but it may actually be inadvertently making him feel bossed around and less willing to actually help. It is possible to be direct and clear and yet still ask, invite, someone to help you. You may be more help that way.

These are just a few other ways to look at what *might* be going on behind this patterned interaction between you two.

I hope you find a way to get more of you get more of what you need and want.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Thanks for your advice.

Actually I would be fine with him saying "No I don't want to come", but I am not so fine with not knowing if he heard me and then he comes stealthily sneaking and you basically don't hear him coming and stil yell from the top of your lungs "did you hear me?". We have that stairs that typically makes sounds but since he sneaks you don't realize he is coming until he is already there. He pops up "don't make such a fuss".
Basically I would make less fuss if he would call back "coming" or something like this just once. Or at least not sneak so I can hear him coming.

I cannot tell him a long explanation why I need his help because I have to cry from the top of my lungs for him to hear me. Our house is big and he often wears earplugs... and I don't think he minds me ordering him because he barks orders more often... but nevertheless I will ask him.

He blamed me of crying wolf and one day be in a situation when I really need help and nobody would come to my aid. I suggested to him that if there were intruders in the house I would just call "intruders", so whenever I don't call this he knows that there are no intruders. His answer was "pffff" whatever that means.

I just came up with the idea, that we could have a codeword for "help me - but not so important".

I like that proverb by the way.

 

[Justmehere]

Basically I would make less fuss if he would call back "coming" or something like this just once. Or at least not sneak so I can hear him coming.

Tell him this. It might be that he's not ok with yelling back, especially if he is already wearing earplugs. I have times where my yelling out would trigger my own self. But maybe he is ok with it, and just doesn't know you want him to announce that he is on his way.

I just came up with the idea, that we could have a codeword for "help me - but not so important".

I like this idea - or maybe even, a code word not so much importance (your needs are important) - but how life threatening the situation is - i.e. "my life isn't in danger and I want your help"

You are headed in a good direction!

 

[Sweetpea76]

'being a bit of an arse' thing

It's a "man" thing

This +this lol.

I would say as long as you are mindful of the startle response, he is just being a man. I swear to god, for somebody who has hypervigilance... if you turn on a football game my vet has the worse selective deafness I've ever seen. He could hear a ninja clear his throat at the end of the driveway... but he can't hear me ask him what he wants for dinner when I am beside him.

Maybe you can hand the kids off to him before you start a project... or tell him you need help ahead of time if he doesn't respond if you call for him?

I do text mine if he is across the house... yelling for him if he can't see me startles him too much. He can't take yelling... if you're yelling, you better be bleeding on the floor in his opinion.