Don't know what to call this

[Blackjack]

I don't really know what to call this thread. I don't even know quite how to describe what I am thinking and feeling.

I am experiencing my worst ever spell of disassociation. I am constantly just burdening people with my rubbish. It's not right, it has to stop. My friends have had enough of me and don't want to know. I turned to one of them this morning for help and got told "I am pathetic and need to stop moaning and get on with life rather than constantly being miserable". People here have so much of their own going on. I have beautiful friends here and I cannot keep doing it to them. I want to be here, it's my safe place, the only place I can talk freely but I need to get to a point where I can be here to give help to others rather than expect them to prop me up. I cannot even really put into words how I feel inside right now.

I hate myself for everything right now. I don't know whether to stay, whether to go or even if I want exist any more. I don't deserve good, I am just a damn nuisance

 

[Mim28]

No, my friend, we need to be here to support each other which is what we do. We can offer advice and support, but we all help in our own way. Stay with the friends who challenge, but support you in a loving way.

 

[Blackjack]

I can't keep doing it to everyone my friend. I hate myself for it.

 

[Mim28]

You are kind hearted and have much empathy for everyone. You are always offering words of encouragement. We've all needed more/less help at different times. That's what we are all here for.

 

[joeylittle]

@Blackjack - what would you be most relieved to find as a response in this thread? In other words, what could you hear right now that might help shift your current thoughts?

 

[Blackjack]

@joeylittle I don't think there is any specific response I wanted. More than anything I just needed to try and write down how I feel but didn't make a good job of it.

I have had so much wonderful support from people here and it just really hit me that I have been taking support but don't feel I have returned enough and that hurts, it's not fair to everybody.

The biggest problem is having had one big trigger last night then another totally separate one today. It has left me very ragged, over emotional and fragile right now. I feel really hyper vigilant and cannot talk in any detail about my stuff right now.

Thank you for asking and caring

 

[mamachick]

You DO deserve good....that is that crappy talk that we likely all have had. I am sure many on here would challenge what you are saying. I know what it feels like not to be able to move beyond my own tunnel vision and support others as I would like to. I have discovered that there is usually something in our way of doing that when we are unable. Can you see it as progress rather than perfection? Can you work toward that as a goal?

 

[trying2movefwd]

@Blackjack You were one of the first I got to chat with. Im always encouraged to "see" you on here. It helps just knowing we are not alone. I hope your having a better day today. Hang in there.

 

[Blackjack]

@trying2movefwd thank you so much. It's always good to see you too. This place is just amazing it really is. It is all that keeps me going right now. Today has not been great but I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other right now and breathe. That's an achievement right now. Take care and thank you so much for the support.

 

[One step at a time]

Someone once asked me, in the form of a challenge, to allow them to help me. And it felt especially impossible because they were nearly a stranger, and I had never helped them, and it felt like going into debt to them. But they asked me to allow them to help me, and they got me on the path to where I am now.

I don't know whether this would work for you, but you could challenge yourself (maybe as a form of self-care) to allow yourself to be supported and to draw strength from this community, without worrying about giving back equally.
I know I find it hard to give myself credit for things I do automatically or by nature. The truth is, because you are so compassionate, you are contributing to the community just by being here. Thank you.

 

[Finchlet2]

Please don't give up. Feeling really triggered right now due to mediation session being set up with my abusive mother and my husband complaining of blue balls. I'm not ready to give up.- not quite yet, besides I prefer the world with you in it.