General Don't Think I Can Forgive This One - Marriage Possibly Over

[becvan]

Yes that was exactly what I meant. I have been through cheating myself and I know how we look for what went wrong.. One thing I have learned, is nothing we did had anything to do with it. Cheating is a very selfish choice.

Nothing wrong with stepping back Bella. It just might save your sanity at the moment.

Take care of yourself.

bec

 

[Tammy]

OMG Bella, what a terrible blow for you to be going through after all the ard work you have been doing t try to work through his PTSD... I can understand how you still love him and want t slap him at the same time, but I have never met him and I just want to bitch slap him from here to next week...
Just a thought also, that business he has s technically both of yours so don't ever feel as though you can't go there because his new FB is there! You have just as much right as him to be there. And if she is there, is ti because she genuinely wants to help him out or because she thinks all businesses mae money and she'll be set! SOrry but your thread has made me so angry at him and her for causing you this pain! My thoughts are with you,
Tammy

 

[Bella78]

Thanks Tammy. You have the very same attitude as all of my loved ones around me. Strangely though, the anger thing is something I have only felt fleetingly a couple times so far. I think I moved through denial in wanting to forgive him, then I had to tell myself, "He does not want you anymore." and so now I am in distraction mode.

I am keeping as busy as I can with as much as I can handle for now. I am even going out on the town with friends tonight for New Years Eve. It will be hard, but what else am I going to do?

I am fairly convinced this is what was meant to happen, so I just want to keep moving forward. For now I can mamage to do that, so I shall. I suspect I may fall in a heap at some point soon, but until then, I am limping along. Very glad to be on holidays from work for the moment, but also looking forward to going back in a week to try to get on with my life and start fresh.

As far as the business goes, I really don't care right now. As I see it, nothing will happen that will do me over that I can't sort out with a good lawyer. So if it comes to that let it happen. I can't handle the anxiety of going down there right now anyway. So I still have not been in contact with him at all. I just can't.

If his new "thing" thinks she is getting her hands on any of it, she has another thing coming. She may not realise I am an intelligent, professional woman who could squash her like a bug if I wanted. Whatever. To be honest, if someone is sort of looking after him, that's probably better anyway. I can't believe I think that. The thing that hurts is her kids. He is probably all fun with them and talks to them etc. That cuts me. We were planning on starting to try for a baby later this year....

 

[Kathy]

I am most sorry to hear all this Bella! Not a pleasant holiday for you obviously. How are you feeling now that the holidays are over with? Please keep us updated and take good care.

 

[Bella78]

Thanks Kathy. No not nice. I hope you are all having a much better time.

The holidays have been hard. But the timing of everything was the absolute pits. Afraid the sentimental time has not passed for now just yet. In 3 days I will "celebrate" my 30th birthday without the man I thought I would spend the rest of my days with. But I will have my family and friends around me.

I got thru the holidays in avoidance/distraction mode. I have known the whole time I was doing it, but it was all I could to to get thru. Thinking about it all, thinking about him and what he has done, her, it has all been too painfull to acknowledge. So I have distracted myself from thinking about it as much as I could. But yesterday and especially now (5:00am - INSOMNIA OR WHAT!) it is all flooding in.

I can recognise a few "phases" of feelings I have gone thru. First I felt absolute horror and like my lefe was ending for the first couple hours. Now that it is all beginning to flood back I keep hearing myself screaming when I was told. I see myself collapsing, alone in my house and slapping the wall and crying, saying "No no no no!" after my sister arrived minutes later. All I want to do now is sleep but I can't get those moments out of my head. I am getting angry at myself that my ability to distract from my thoughts and pain seems to have gone.

But I do realise that distracting completely for too long is only going to make it more painful when I have to face it. ANd I will have to face it. So I guess maybe that's why I got up out of bedd, sick of tossing and turning, to come and get some of it out on here.

So the stages I have gone thru I think have been the initial shock (probably only a few hours), then denial and thinking maybe it only happened once and he is sorry and I can forgive him and he'll come home (this probably lasted 2-3 days), then I did the distraction thing - as much as I could, keeping "busy" and hence why I have not been on here much.

Now it feels like distraction is not working, or able to continue and with all the thoughts and pain flooding back, I yet again feel a sense of compassion. This could just be denial again I suppose.

I feel like my dear husband (who I love still, despite what he has done) must be so very tormented to have done such a thing that he really needs care and support. I feel a desperate need to speak with him now. I feel I need to let him know that regardless of what happens, I want him to be OK. I just feel like I must let him know that.

I also feel as though I need to ask him, once and for all, how he is feeling about us. Not that he can probably rationalise that right now anyway, and even though his answer is likely to crush me, I feel a need to ask him if he truly sees this as the end for us and if that is what he really wants.

There is something eating at me that says if he needs to be reached out to, I need to do it. I couldn't abandon that, no matter what he has done and no matter what the outcome.

I realise this will probably make no sense to anyone else and maybe not even to me when I read it back after I get some sleep.

I really hate this feeling inside me and I don't even understand it.

 

[Kathy]

I feel like my dear husband (who I love still, despite what he has done) must be so very tormented to have done such a thing that he really needs care and support.

Bella, I understand having compassion for him and still loving him and so forth, however I believe perhaps you are trying to excuse his behaviour by saying he is ill. As I said in private, perhaps it is easier for you to think he has done this because of his illness, perhaps it hurts less and offers you an explanation?

I will repeat a bit of what I said in private. As you know my husband also cheated on me. He was also ill, suffering from combat stress and alcoholism. We had been married 6 years and had 4 children together. However I had no pity for him. None. He was in the wrong, regardless of being ill. He needed to do a great deal of work upon himself to get me back: he relocated, changed jobs, quit drinking entirely, and went into counseling. I would not have accepted anything less. My love for him did not change the fact that I would not permit myself to be treated in that fashion. I thought of myself and my children first, him second.

Bella, perhaps you feel you are being kind by having compassion for him. However, pity or sympathy does PTSD sufferers absolutely no good. In fact, it is a form of enabling, and will only make them worse. You are in essence saying that because he is ill he cannot control himself nor make his own choices and decisions. That is incorrect. PTSD does not make him a child nor mentally incompetent. Additionally, if you "forgive and forget" immediately with no consequences, he will have learned he can do whatever he wants with you and get away with it.

I could be incorrect, however - from everything I have read, I am concerned that you are forgetting yourself in favour of his needs. You are also important and you need to develop a strong sense of your own self-worth, apart from him. If you do get back together, you will need to have confidence in yourself. He will always have PTSD and that is not easy to live with. You will need to be strong.

 

[becvan]

Bella maybe you need to hear this from a sufferer. PTSD does not make us cheat. I've had this for over twenty years. I cheated once, a decade ago, and it was an active decision to do so. I hated myself for it. I chose to not do it again.

People without PTSD cheat too. This is not an illness, it's a choice.

bec

 

[Jim]

As someone who cheated myself, must be honest here Bella. If my wife had not been so tough about it initially - had she forgiven me quick and easy and not expected much - reckon I would have taken advantage. I was a lazy bastard back then. Likely wouldn't have done all the work upon myself that I did do. Her leaving with the boys and not wanting me back for a time was a needed wake-up call. My bottom so to speak. Thank my wife everyday for it, as it forced me to seek help. Christ knows where I'd be today without it.

Every situation is different. However. Cheating is serious. A serious breach of trust and a serious hurt. Your not superwoman, feeling badly is natural. Don't fall into pity for him because of PTSD. He's a big boy and believe you me, he knew what he was doing.

Jim.