Sexual Assault Drugged?

[Ladygdala]

I just recently had a friend from long time ago share some old stuff about one of our mutual friends drugging her and her friend. It was the same guy I had wondered if he drugged me that one time many years ago.
It was random that she told me such information and at such a desperate time for me to hear it. (Going to therapy for depersonalization issues, csa) She told me and it was like the gears locked loudly into place.
I was sitting on the couch chatting with him then he went to mix us a drink. He was a friend so I didn’t think anything of it. He came back and I had the drink. Very shortly after, I felt super heavy and extremely tired. Like I just sat there on the couch, sinking in . I just thought maybe that was a strong drink he mixed. What I initially thought was that I passed out and the events of the night was over. When I woke up I was clothed but my vagina was in pain. I was still quite groggy and before I could say or even question anything he started. “Did we have sex last night? Man, I don’t remember it! That sucks! I finally get to bang ***** and I dont even get to remember it!”
So it was programmed into my head upon awakening that it was mutually blackout drunken sex. But It was as if he needed to be the first one to say it. He didn’t give me any time to reflect or question anything.
I was quite promiscuous and wreckless back then and black out sex happened quite often for me so I figured it’s normal for me. It happened so long ago now that I can’t remember if I got sicker than usual or anything like that, it I do recall feeling different about it this time. that extra Groggyness upon awakening. And extreme passing out, absolutely no recollection of any of it.
Does this sound like a drugging? I still dont remember any of the sex part and find myself questioning the fact that if he was so drunk, how could he have stayed erect? Or even gotten hard? This is one of the many memories I have to process, but I actually feel anger towards this one so far. Because if he drugged my friend then my intuition was right and I can allow myself to be angry at him. Finally someone to be angry at other than myself! Has anyone had this type of situation happen to them that can help me piece this together so that I am 100% positive that this happened and I can carry on with my healing and no longer doubt this asmy own fault.

 

[Friday]

I still dont remember any of the sex part and find myself questioning the fact that if he was so drunk, how could he have stayed erect? Or even gotten hard

Whiskey-Dick is only sometimes can’t get it up... other times -or on other people- it has the opposite effect... they get hard and can’t come for a really, really long time.

Has anyone had this type of situation happen to them that can help me piece this together so that I am 100% positive that this happened

There is no way to be 100%. It’s one of the super sucky side effects of being drugged, or blacked out. Unless someone filmed you the entire time, there’s no way to know exactly what happened.

IME, part of healing is ALSO including that piece of not knowing. Being okay with it. Which is a difficult proposition all on its own.

I’ve both been assaulted & raped, whilst drugged & unconscious (head smashed against a wall a few too many times, strangled until I passed out, and hit with an electric current until I was in the black). IE sometimes there was only assault, sometimes only rape, sometimes both. It’s a different kind of mind f*ck trying to piece together what happened, and at a certain point there’s simply no more to know. It’s unknowable. Which is a violation of its own kind. That also deserves being dealt with, just like any other violation.

Really. It’s not something that prevents healing, it needs it’s own healing.

I can’t know what happened, but everything that DID happen was wrong. Taking away someone else’s agency made everything that followed “fruit of the poison tree”.

 

[Ladygdala]

Whiskey-Dick is only sometimes can’t get it up... other times -or on other people- it has the opposite...

Thank you for your reply!! I’m so sorry that all happened to you! That is all so incredibly awful I hope you are doing well within your healing
Does it make a difference if he says that he was black out for the entire time? He is already an untrustworthy guy, drug addict, liar and manipulator. The last I remember was slouching back into the couch and drifting off. Of course it would be easier to determine if I hadn’t dranken so much. Plus my premiscuous addictive behavior doesn’t help. Just finding out he drugged my friend makes me think it is true. but I see where you’re coming from. I gotta just heal with the facts that I know for sure.. even if I don’t know for sure. I still feel like I can’t be angry at anyone other than myself. if I can’t put blame somewhere, it goes on me. So I was actually quite relieved to put that piece in and I actually felt anger and it felt like it made sense. I’ve been dissociated for so long, it was eye opening. Also very disheartening to hear it happened to her at the same time.

 

[Friday]

Plus my premiscuous addictive behavior doesn’t help.

I’m on the other side of the opinion on this.

I was super promiscuous for quite a long time. In part a side effect of sexual assault (replacing every bad memory with a thousand good ones! :sneaky: ), in part just the culture I came of age, in.

What I’ve found is that my gut is usually right.

Because I have an awful lot to compare things to. There’s umpteen bazillion different versions of bad sex, regrettable sex, stupid sex, bad decisions, etc. Those things are all within my wheelhouse to fix / sort / deal with. <<< And are extremely different from sexual assault.

When my gut says “This was bad”? (Friday, Friday, Fridaaaaay. Stop that. Like yesterday. No more ______.) That’s different from when my gut says “This was f*cked up & wrong.”

Sounds like your gut has the same sort of discretion... as just chalking this up as blackout sex has never sat entirely right with you.

 

[Ladygdala]

I’m on the other side of the opinion on this.

I was super promiscuous for quite a long time. In part...

I hear you! I didn’t have sex because I wanted to fully, I just did it to feel closeness, to please the other. I was a big people pleaser. So I was used to giving my body freely but not for my own pleasure. A lot of those were taking advantage of situations (me being so drunk, young, not fully understanding the importance of being ready) but I don’t think sexual assault. And because of me being so freely, I probably would have done it anyway if I’d have gotten drunk enough. But I never really wanted it and would end up wanting him to finish already because I wasn’t fully into it. There were times early on that I’d start crying halfway through. I wasn’t very nice to myself back then and I didn’t care as much about myself as I do today. Self love is something I’m working on as well as dissociation.
And yes this situation did feel different to me thank you for that! Trusting my gut has been hard, especially by ignoring it for so long. I still feel the need to know for sure if he drugged me but this is the first memory I’m able to be angry at and that feels necessary and good! Like I’m standing up for others that have been drugged, no longer down playing it, I feel a kind of power with it!
Thank you for your kindness, I hope you are no longer in any relationship or place in your life where you are still being hurt

 

[shimmerz]

He is already an untrustworthy guy, drug addict, liar and manipulator.

Trust a liar to lie. A manipulator to manipulate. A drug addict to use drugs -- for lots of things.

 

[Ladygdala]

Trust a liar to lie. A manipulator to manipulate. A drug addict to use drugs -- for lots of things.[...

You are so very right. Very real message