Childhood Dumb question about csa

katz

MyPTSD Pro
I went many years without any confirmation. Finally I went looking. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, but the proof for me is worth it. I wrote it all down so that I could go back to see it when I start misbelieving myself again.

These days I don't need to. I have enough proof for me of all the different people and places. I know that I won't remember all of it - just what I can handle at the point in life I'm at.

I can reassure myself that I won't remember anything that I can't handle. It's kind of like trusting ... God or just nature. I have enough to reassure myself - for now. Maybe I will remember more, maybe not. I also know that there are "things" in life that I need to pass before I would feel safe to move forward anyway. An example is that one person who hurt me is still alive. (At least one that I remember) Some of them have no face or name in my memories, (and never will) so I just have to reassure myself that they have "moved forward" in life - and have had their own Judgement Day.

As I found my "proof" and memories, there were some that were too much for me. When I spoke of them to others - it became even worse. Like being retraumatized for telling the truth. The memories even got me put into the hospital a few times because they were too much for me at the time. When this happened - I forgot again! It was many, many years before I started remembering again. This time I was old enough to hold on to them. Good or bad? I'm not sure.

But, from this I learned to trust my own "natural" instincts. When or if I remember any more about what happened, it will be because I need to. For now, I have just enough that I can handle. Maybe it is all I need and will ever get - I'll see. But, I only need enough proof for me. Not anyone else.

You should learn to trust yourself. You and only you, know what you can remember and how much you need to. Love yourself and trust your own judgement of what you need-at any point in your life. This way you know that you will not remember more than you can handle.
 
Last edited:

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
not remember more than you can handle.
Thank you. Just this morning a student and I were discussing paranormal activity. And he said he was listening to a podcast about memory and how every time a person consciously recalls a memory it is changed. He said that the best thing to do after a paranormal event is to write it down as soon as possible but not to try to recall every detail because doing so will damage the memory—only write down the main ideas and then try not to think about it anymore and then what is important will be recalled when necessary. Overthinking it destroys the memory.

And I realized that’s why my therapist never pushes me to talk or remember anything—even when I want her to! She says that when I’m ready it will come out. And that’s what reminds me of the homebirths—the midwife says “don’t push” when the head and shoulders are coming out because if I pushed I would have torn my own body.
 
When I first entered therapy at age 20, my first T would repeatedly trigger me in regards to my yet unrecognized CSA, my penis phobia and extreme fear of sexual intimacy. This he seemed to just know while, I didn’t have to tell him about my CSA. Actually I wasn’t even consciously unaware of it until age 24. I only knew I was suffering from social anxiety and my fear of being approached by and alone with an adult male. I also felt anxiety when being alone with my male T until I’d learned to trust him.

I couldn’t allow any thought of a penis into my conscious mind until age 24. There were times when I was triggered that I felt like climbing the walls of his office to escape. Yet none of my T ever pushed me into recalling my CSA nor asked me to provide details.

Before age 4, I can only assume I wasn’t being touched for my father’s own sexual gradifation. If this had been the case, he certainly stopped doing it by the time I was age 4. My only recall is of him staring at me, while exposing his naked erect penis (only once), fondling his genitals beneath his pants (many times) while speaking to me, once retrieving my panty from the dirty laundry and of trying to take a peek at my body. This he only did when we were alone.

I’m fearful of knowing my deeper self and of what is beyond my own conscious understanding. I think this is an inherent unavoidable human fear. What I don’t understand seems to defy logic and this is acceptable to me. Yet, when I combine this illogical element with my intense fear I begin to panic.

I doubt that, my few paranormal experiences have anything to do with my CSA and I don’t really know what to make of them. However, I think it’s extremely difficult to clearly separate the two. As a child, I couldn’t understand my father’s interest in his own genitals nor could I relate to what he might have been feeling.

I grew-up with a childhood fear that, a frightening entity might be hiding in my bedroom closet or under my bed at night. I have no description for this entity other than to define it as larger than myself, more powerful than I and seemingly ‘human like.’ At night, I sometimes feared this entity might grab my ankle if, I steps out of my bed. This might also suggest that, it seemed ‘human like’ within my imagination while, possessed a grasping hand while, unlike an animal that might bite my foot. Also, this entity was always imagined as being dark in color and also blurry, perhaps, because I’d imagine it as being in my darkened room at night within dim lighting.

I’d never consciously thought of this entity as being my father nor any other sexual predator. Yet the mere thought that this mysterious imaginary entity might be hiding in my room was in itself frightening enough.

This paranormal podcast speaker brought up a very good point about being careful not to try to fill in the blanks within our memories. I think, it’s important to stop immediately if, you catch yourself doing it. The T that I was seeing in about 2002 wanted me to create a false memory of sexual molestation by my father. I refused to do this and immediately terminated with her.

Memories to me only seem to last a few seconds at best. They don’t play out like a movie but are more fragmented. For me, they also occur out of sequence, as if, a mixed collage of mostly visual glimpses with perhaps, a few other sensory memories mixed in.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
@spinningmytires thank you for bringing your perspective. It sounds like we have some similarities. I understand the paranormal and empath thing. And not pushing on memories. I would add not pushing emotions too. I’m kind of in the middle of a big trauma unboxing/acceptance right now (going on about two weeks) and my brain and body feel like burnt soup, but I was nodding along with everything you said. It’s a hard journey for sure. Glad you’re here.
 

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
Each time a new flashback or memory emerged from my hidden childhood, I would be a mess for a few weeks. My therapist would give me an empathetic, “new information?” I was frozen and couldn’t speak. It can be like a chain reaction of bad stuff.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Yes, I’m in that now. But it’s not a new memory it’s a new perspective.

I can say now with full strength that the csa events which happened to me in the first three years of my life affected me terribly.

Something that is even harder to accept is how disgusting my dad is. That overwhelms me to think about how frightening he really was to me as a child—and is to me now still. It’s also hard for me when I have students who are being manipulated by their parents or being abused. Because I want to rescue them but I believe that everyone is responsible for their own path. I can still offer help but I can’t force anyone to change.

What my dad did is disgusting and affected me terribly.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I can say now with full strength that the csa events which happened to me in the first three years of my life affected me terribly.

What my dad did is disgusting and affected me terribly.
^^^ that's really positive that you can have this perspective. You're recognising his responsibility, and how his behaviour impacted you, and how you have compassion for yourself as you know you needed better from him, and grieving for what happened.
A painful process. But a healing one?
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Yes—it is healing and very uncomfortable.

I said the words out loud so I could hear myself.

I talked to a tele-med doctor and he said all my symptoms match with PTSD but he recommended I go to the doctor and have blood work and a Covid test to rule out anything else. My fever is now at 101.9. I will take the ibuprofen but I will schedule the Covid test and the doctor appointment first.
 
Each time a new flashback or memory emerged from my hidden childhood, I would be a mess for a few weeks. My therapist would give me an empathetic, “new information?” I was frozen and couldn’t speak. It can be like a chain reaction of bad stuff.

Though seemingly unrelated to my CSA, I was once plagued with repeated frightening flashbacks with accompanied cold chills running down my spine, about 30 years ago. I was then experiencing the same frightening flashback, over and over again and several times per day. These flashbacks were beyond my control and had occurred over a span of about two weeks, before gradually diminished in their intensity until they were gone. I can now visualize this same incident without feeling any fear at all though, it still seems illogical to me.

Apparently this experience had initially been so disturbing that I immediately blocked it out of my conscious mind, resulting in amnesia. Years later, when my amnesia finally did break, my sudden recall of this incident with its repeated spontanious flashbacks hit me like a ton of bricks!!! I couldn’t sleep. I felt like I was losing control of my mind. My concept of reality (who I am) and my understanding of it was severely shaken! Yet this recall has definitely changed me for the better and has since helped me to heal.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @Movingforward10 for the support and encouragement—I need and appreciate it.

@spinningmytires what you describe is very similar to what I have. The jarring quality of body sensations. The fear of losing identity. The amnesia.

I feel less alone reading that. My trembles are escalating again. Part of me wishes I had a trusted friend nearby to help me co-regulate, just holding my hand and being close.
 
I can say now with full strength that the csa events which happened to me in the first three years of my life affected me terribly.

Something that is even harder to accept is how disgusting my dad is. That overwhelms me to think about how frightening he really was to me as a child—and is to me now still.
Though the first three years of our life might not be remembered, these years have a huge influence upon our developing brain. If I'm correct, this can result in developmental brain damage. It's also not only the traumatic events that the infant suffers but also, what was lacking and not provided to the infancy during that time.

My MRI reports stated that I has developmental brain damage which, I suspect had occurred due to lack of oxygen during my whooping cough illness. But then, this TBI also resulted in a weaker parent to child bonding.

My mother once said to me that, she believed that whatever trauma might have happened to me during my infancy wouldn't matter because I wouldn't have been able to remember it anyway. I was appalled by her statement!! Sure our memory functions develop later but our brain's development is ongoing from the very beginning of life.

I'm sorry for what your father did to you. I was never able to trust my father either, not on an emotional level. My first T told me, I grew up being unable to trust my father while, I was then viewing my first T with this same distrust until I could overcome it. And this wasn't easy! It took me years of painful anxiety to overcome my distrust towards my T.

When I first became consciously aware of my father's abusive behavior towards me, I felt a great amount of disgust and anger toward him. He should never have used me as his sex object!! Then too, at this same time he was emotionally rejecting me, perhaps, because he felt guilty for his actions and was then, pushing his guilt feeling onto me. And as a child, I could only view myself through my parents' eyes. So then, my father must have been thinking that, I was the bad child because I caused him to do sometime that made him feel guilty. Or at least, this is how I am seeing my faulty father-daughter relationship.

When I was 24, I told my T that, I wanted to tell my father to stop fondling his gentalia in front of me. My T replied saying, that I could ask him to stop but that, this would only anger him. Then he'd simply deny it.
 
Top