katz
MyPTSD Pro
I went many years without any confirmation. Finally I went looking. Sometimes I wish I hadn't, but the proof for me is worth it. I wrote it all down so that I could go back to see it when I start misbelieving myself again.
These days I don't need to. I have enough proof for me of all the different people and places. I know that I won't remember all of it - just what I can handle at the point in life I'm at.
I can reassure myself that I won't remember anything that I can't handle. It's kind of like trusting ... God or just nature. I have enough to reassure myself - for now. Maybe I will remember more, maybe not. I also know that there are "things" in life that I need to pass before I would feel safe to move forward anyway. An example is that one person who hurt me is still alive. (At least one that I remember) Some of them have no face or name in my memories, (and never will) so I just have to reassure myself that they have "moved forward" in life - and have had their own Judgement Day.
As I found my "proof" and memories, there were some that were too much for me. When I spoke of them to others - it became even worse. Like being retraumatized for telling the truth. The memories even got me put into the hospital a few times because they were too much for me at the time. When this happened - I forgot again! It was many, many years before I started remembering again. This time I was old enough to hold on to them. Good or bad? I'm not sure.
But, from this I learned to trust my own "natural" instincts. When or if I remember any more about what happened, it will be because I need to. For now, I have just enough that I can handle. Maybe it is all I need and will ever get - I'll see. But, I only need enough proof for me. Not anyone else.
You should learn to trust yourself. You and only you, know what you can remember and how much you need to. Love yourself and trust your own judgement of what you need-at any point in your life. This way you know that you will not remember more than you can handle.
These days I don't need to. I have enough proof for me of all the different people and places. I know that I won't remember all of it - just what I can handle at the point in life I'm at.
I can reassure myself that I won't remember anything that I can't handle. It's kind of like trusting ... God or just nature. I have enough to reassure myself - for now. Maybe I will remember more, maybe not. I also know that there are "things" in life that I need to pass before I would feel safe to move forward anyway. An example is that one person who hurt me is still alive. (At least one that I remember) Some of them have no face or name in my memories, (and never will) so I just have to reassure myself that they have "moved forward" in life - and have had their own Judgement Day.
As I found my "proof" and memories, there were some that were too much for me. When I spoke of them to others - it became even worse. Like being retraumatized for telling the truth. The memories even got me put into the hospital a few times because they were too much for me at the time. When this happened - I forgot again! It was many, many years before I started remembering again. This time I was old enough to hold on to them. Good or bad? I'm not sure.
But, from this I learned to trust my own "natural" instincts. When or if I remember any more about what happened, it will be because I need to. For now, I have just enough that I can handle. Maybe it is all I need and will ever get - I'll see. But, I only need enough proof for me. Not anyone else.
You should learn to trust yourself. You and only you, know what you can remember and how much you need to. Love yourself and trust your own judgement of what you need-at any point in your life. This way you know that you will not remember more than you can handle.
Last edited: