Dying Dad Wants To Come Out-need Advice

[Ghostybear73]

My dad wants to come out and visit in a couple weeks. I really don't know him that well, I've seen him maybe 10 times my whole life (I'm 42) and we never really talked all these years. Until about 2 years ago, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness and he has been communicating with my son and I pretty regularly. About 3 months ago, he got into an argument with my son on Facebook the two of them got me involved. My dad ended up saying some pretty nasty stuff and I decided he wasn't worth my time. My son did the same thing. My dad is persistent and keeps trying to contact me by Facebook and text, but I ignore him and haven't talked to him since.

Last night I get a text that he wants to come out and visit in a couple weeks. He wants to meet his granddaughter, mind you she is 9 and they have never met. I'm guessing he wants to make this trip out because he is at the end of his life. I'm trying to be empathetic, but I just don't think him driving out here is a good idea. Am I wrong? Do I let my daughter's dying grandfather meet her before he goes or tell him no? I thought about ignoring his texts, but he will keep texting until I answer.

Ghosty

 

[jaccat]

How about asking your daughter how she feels? I know 9 is young, but just thinking about my experience, I was 9 when my grandfather died and I wasn't given the option of going to his funeral, something I am still sad about now, even though I didn't know him well.

I guess it depends upon circumstances. If you think he is going to behave in an unhealthy manner, saying upsetting things, then perhaps it's not best to allow him. At the same time if you think you might later regret not seeing him...

You could perhaps try to set boundaries if you do allow him to come, to prevent any upset. Perhaps meet in a neutral place where it is easy to leave? Explain things to him beforehand?

It's completely down to how you feel about seeing him. Only you are going to know if it's worth it.

Hope that helps?

 

[Ghostybear73]

How about asking your daughter how she feels? I know 9 is young, but just thinking about my experience, I...

@jaccat yes it does help, thank you. I did ask my daughter and she worries about how I feel since he wasn't there for me as a dad, I mean I have only seen him about 10 times. My son met him once. He has never bothered before, so I can understand her feelings.

 

[shimmerz]

Can you tell him that you are going away? I don't like this.....

My dad ended up saying some pretty nasty stuff and I decided he wasn't worth my time. My son did the same thing.

It sounds like it is all about him because of this....

My dad is persistent and keeps trying to contact me by Facebook and text, but I ignore him and haven't talked to him since.

He doesn't sound healthy for you to have in your house. He made his choices in life. Sometimes there are repercussions. I don't know that I would want the conflict in my children of meeting him knowing he is going to die, especially if he goes off on a tangent again.

If you can't be nice on facebook......

 

[Ghostybear73]

@shimmerz ,you are right and I'm definitely considering telling him no.....in fact I don't want the drama here.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

No, you do not ask a kid in grade 4 about such an adult matter and decision, or any other adult decisions for that matter, that's ridiculous. Absolutely not. It's a huge thing that he meets her, even if it means nothing to her. This is his blood despite the history between the two of you.
This is a mans dying wish- to see you one last time. An argument over the Internet should NOT come into play during a time like this. This man NEEDS to see his child for the last time on earth. It sounds like he needs to make amends. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to you, maybe it might have an impact on you for the good, who knows? Maybe it will melt away your resentment or misunderstandings, but this is not about you. This is about him.
Can't you give this to another human being? Can't you give this gift to him? I believe he needs to make peace. He needs to see you before he leaves this world.
I respect the dying and their last wishes. I would hope we could all give selflessly to another soul's last wish. Will it cost you anything? He won't be around again. Cant you give this to another human being? You might be really glad that you did. But again, this isn't about you.

 

[shimmerz]

I would generally agree with your posting @imok except......this......

My dad ended up saying some pretty nasty stuff

is abusive. It is toxic.

This is about him.

And that takes ^^^^ right away from him imho.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Most phones have a block function.....

.Uhm you've conditioned him to text until he gets a reply!

Just tell him no one last time and be done with it. Set your boundaries with consequences or else they are useless (as you have seen)

 

[Justmehere]

I thought about ignoring his texts, but he will keep texting until I answer.

Be clear and direct. If you need no texts right now so you can take some space and time to decide, tell him that. And hold that boundary. You can tell him, point blank, this need of yours, and that if he continues to text the request, you will block his number permanently. Then do it.

This might be an opportunity to see if he will respect a simple boundary. If he doesn't respect it, then you might have all the more reassurance that saying no to him coming out is a good idea.

I never met either of my grandfathers. I frankly wish I would have. I would have liked to have known who they were, to meet the parent of my parents, just once. I know why my parents would not allow it. But still, as an adult, I wish I could have met them as a teenager to know better who they were and why my parents hated them so damn much. I would have liked to know.

As far as FB... ugh. Once things get tense, its time to not text, not FB. So much of communication is non-verbal. If it gets nasty, it's time to take it to the phone or meet in person.

That being said, if he had treated your son with respect, and you were ok with being around him, I would say to maybe consider giving him a chance. But since he treated you so badly, your son so badly, and gave no apology, no sign of repentance, and because your daughter is so young.... well, I can see why you are so reluctant. Even though I wish I could have met my own a-hole grandfathers, I can respect a choice to not have to be around someone who has been so hurtful.

In the end, it's your choice. You are your kid's mom, and you are also the best protector for yourself too. Putting your kids aside, if you need the answer to be no, even for your own sake, then tell him no. If you need time and space to think that through, set the boundary and keep it - enforce it. Give yourself that time and space. Death is pretty final, and it's good to think this through before that door closes for good.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and that he has not been a better dad and grandfather. :hug:

 

[RussH]

Ghosty,
I guess the questions I would ask are:
Will your daughter regret never having met her grandfather?
Would she hold it against you?
Will you regret not seeing him, or letting your daughter meet him?

If you let him come will he:
Abide by your boundaries?
Create more problems that it will solve?
Will you be able to handle seeing him?
Would he stay with you, or get a motel? If the answer is stay with you, then I would it be to great of a hardship on you?

I cannot answer your question, because on the one hand I can see why a dying man would want to reconnect with his family. On the other hand I know the potential difficulties it can cause you, and I do not want to see that happen.

Hope these questions help you find an answer.

 

[Casey_03]

I think it would be wrong to NOT let him visit. People who are terminally ill say nasty stuff all the time. My mother said horrible things when she was sick and I could never hold that against her, though it still haunts me. I don't think that means he should be deprived of meeting his granddaughter.

 

[scout86]

All I know about your father is what you've said here and that's not enough for me to offer much. I think we ALL, now and then get mad and say things we regret. Has he expressed any regret for the whole "Facebook deal"? (I kind of avoid FB BECAUSE it seems to encourage drama over good manners and reason.)

How about meeting in a neutral place? I can see where meeting his granddaughter could be important for them both. I can see where he may want to make amends at the end of his life and good might come of that. But I can also see where having him at your house presents problems breaking the visit off if all doesn't go well. How about a picnic at a local park or meeting up at a restaurant?