Dying Dad Wants To Come Out-need Advice

[Chava]

I did ask my daughter and she worries about how I feel

This is very much a daughter thing to do. It sounds like she doesn't have an opinion aside from trying to read what you feel about it. I'd wonder if she is curious on some level but feels like she needs to read your feeling on it. That's very normal.

It sounds like he's in pain, struggling with a variety of things, and didn't handle a FB situation with your adult son very well. Anyone would be ticked off with having their dying choices or modes of medicating questioned. But if he visits you can ask for more respect.

But I also like the idea suggested about him staying in a motel. If he visits, you can create that natural boundary. Tell him you don't have space, or would honestly feel more comfortable if he stayed in a motel. You could suggest one or book it for him. If you don't even want him in your house you could agree to meet somewhere public or plan a day out. So it's not tied directly to your home. If it's weird at all, it's just another day in your child's memory (and if things aren't going so well, you can leave), but at least she will have met her grandpa, separate from her caring too much about your feelings (I cared first for my mom's feelings as a kid, not my own, so I easily read too much into these kinds of things...just my perspective). It's very sweet that she feels protective but that's not her job. Is she curious at all, aside from any judgment or justifiable resentment you have towards your father?

Anyway, I think in too many shades. But in trying to decide yes or no, are there conditions that would make "yes" okay? Maybe not. But if there were, you could plan that ahead and see if he'd be willing to meet your family on your conditions, whatever they might be.

 

[Ghostybear73]

@Chava actually the argument between my dad and my son was much more stupid than what kind of drugs my dad uses. The problem is, my dad decided to act like a child and start calling my son names. My dad has lung cancer and can't smoke anymore so that's not it. He is however a drug addict and I would have to make sure that shit don't come with him.

My husband doesn't want him in the house because the times he did come around when I was a child it was because mom called when she couldn't handle one of us kids, so he would come out to beat the shit out of us. Fortunately, that happened less than a dozen times and it was usually to beat my brother.

As for my daughter, she doesn't seem to care one way or another. I guess I have a lot to think about in the next day or so

 

[scout86]

I guess I have a lot to think about in the next day or so

THAT is one of the things I like and respect about you Ghosty! I'm sure you'll do exactly that.

I had kind of skipped over the part about your daughter's concern for what you're thinking until @Chava pointed it out. Being a parent is awfully complicated! If nothing else, this might be a chance to reinforce the idea that you're responsible for your thoughts and feelings and she's entitled to her own as well. And that that's not only perfectly ok, it's good.

 

[joeylittle]

@Ghostybear73 - forgive me, I can't remember: is it an option for you to travel to him?

 

[Ghostybear73]

@joeylittle , no I have work everyday, I have my online job and I am in my doctorate program. I don't have the time.

 

[joeylittle]

Pretend for a second that you magically had a long weekend where there was no work to do - if the time became available, would traveling to him seem more doable? Or would it just be a different kind of stress?

 

[Ghostybear73]

@joeylittle tht's a hard question because my son is military and I haven't seen him in over a year, so it would cause more stress to go see my dad and not my son.

So many variables....if didn't have son, then yes it would be more doable because i could leave if things got bad.

Once he has my address, if anything happens and he won't go away, I would have to get the police involved, etc......it could turn into a potentiald disaster

 

[shimmerz]

He is however a drug addict and I would have to make sure that shit don't come with him.

You can't make sure it doesn't come with him imho. This makes things much clearer. Drug addicts don't belong around or near children. Sorry.

 

[joeylittle]

if didn't have son, then yes it would be more doable because i could leave if things got bad.

This makes sense. Not knowing the details of your son's situation, I could suggest that he go as well - or, you and your dad set a meeting point somewhere in the middle for a long lunch, something.

I know time off is always hard to take, but in this case, I might just challenge you a little to really look at your schedule and see if a day/two days is possible.

You could give your daughter a chance to say, if she'd like to go with you. I think there are probably ways to let her know she can choose without her feeling pressured TO choose, if that makes sense...maybe. Or not.

It sounds like you will have some regret, for yourself, if you don't see him. BUT - if I'm wrong about that, then really, just do what you need to do. If you think you will regret it, though, there is probably a way to see him that doesn't involve him coming to your home.

 

[digger]

Once he has my address,

Does he have to have your address, is there anywhere neutral that you could drive to easily to meet up instead, so you get to leave if things don't go to plan.
Given his history, if he's not prepared to meet you on your terms and accept that you feel the need to have some safeguards in place for you and your daughter, then he probably hasn't really had the change of heart that the request for a visit is suggesting.

 

[Sammyiam]

Ghosty,

What about if you get a motel for the weekend that is close by and just say that you will make a picnic and have lunch in a playground in a park near by. That way your daughter gets to meet in a playful situation where at her age she will be just excited to be out playing in a park having lunch, so it will not be very intense.

If that goes well go from there and if it doesn't, well just say see you later Dad I'm sorry but this isn't going to work out for my kids. You have just left it to long and it's going to be to hard on them, I'm sorry dad but my kids come first and I don't won't them hurt like I was and carry a lifetime of pain.

Sammy

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Yeah the whole 'drug addict' thing might have had some bearing or people's prior responses. It's kind of an important part of the story, no?
I for one don't let anyone loaded in my house- end of story. Does he smoke pot and can be straight for the hour or two that he might be with them? (Or visiting on and off for a few days..) Or are we talking a full blown heroin addict that cannot stay straight for an hour or what?
Loaded = no kid visitation. If a person can't be straight for a couple hrs to see their grandkids, too bad for them.

Sammy "I'm sorry dad but my kids come first and I don't want them hurt like I was and carry a lifetime of pain". ????!!! Where is the reality in that statement? Worst case scenario - they might see a man that's high, that they don't like. That's going to set them up for a lifetime of pain? Sheesh!

That's only the worst case scenario. There are good ones aw well. Don't count on the worst.

How about starting off with you visiting with him for coffee by yourself (with him staying in a hotel), feel the situation out. If he's fit to meet your kids than go to a park and hang out or go for supper?