Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
When I was 14/almost 15 I seriously injured myself and was told to rest, and not workout for months. I ended up gaining a lot of weight (which is a bane to my family who is OBSESSED with weight), and around the time I turned 16 and my pain was better I decided to lose it all and stay on an exercise routine and an anti-inflammatory diet for my near constant chronic pain. It helped with pain etc, but quickly turned into an eating disorder. I wouldn't over work out because I physically couldn't at first, but as I lost weight and my pain went down I started running, which DID become over exercise and I hurt myself again.
What I would do for the diet and exercise is I would write it down in my "everything" notebook. I write every single thing I did throughout the day in that notebook. I still have it. I wrote what I ate, when, how many calories it was (I got down form around 1500-1600 a day to 1200-1100, which I thought "wasn't an eating disorder" because it was about 1000 calories, although sometimes I'd have to eat something at night in order to make it to 1000 calories), what I did, when my workouts were (every single move had check next to it, I had to cross it out). I had started cutting when I ate too much, or missed workouts. When I got my wisdom teeth out, I was so happy because I lost 5 lbs in a week, and you could see my ribs and hip bones (I'm pretty tall, and although I was still in a healthy BMI, I looked....wrong).
I eventually, around the December of my junior year of high school, had essentially a nervous breakdown. I decided I was never going to do that to myself again. I ate what I wanted, still healthy, and gained some weight back. I still did exercises, but I didn't write them down. Then gradually since then, I've gotten worse about exercising. I've gained A LOT of weight. I try not to think about my body, both because of trauma, pain from my injuries and because of some gender stuff. I did pool therapy exercises and easy elliptical workouts, but never seriously, because of what happens after I workout hard: I get obsessed.
I decided this week I want to tone my body up, just to feel more connected to myself and to help my physical pain. It also helps with emotional pain. So, I wrote out workouts like I used to. Nothing excessive. That didn't really bother me, but today I did my first workout, just a few minutes ago. And I felt that same obsession, like I wanted to do it for another hour. It felt great, and then the panic set in. I felt like I was going to lost control again. I was physically shaking a few minutes ago terrified I would fall down that same path.
I think I need a different system than notebook writing for my workouts, maybe an app would work. I want to workout but I have this feeling. I think it's sort of like obsession/mania? It's like what I feel about my passions, but I'm healthy about my passions, I can stop if I need to, I take care of myself. It feels uncontrollable. I don't know exactly how to describe it. It feels dangerous.
I think I want to create this thread to reflect on how I can still workout without feeling like this, but any insights would also be great! Thank you!
What I would do for the diet and exercise is I would write it down in my "everything" notebook. I write every single thing I did throughout the day in that notebook. I still have it. I wrote what I ate, when, how many calories it was (I got down form around 1500-1600 a day to 1200-1100, which I thought "wasn't an eating disorder" because it was about 1000 calories, although sometimes I'd have to eat something at night in order to make it to 1000 calories), what I did, when my workouts were (every single move had check next to it, I had to cross it out). I had started cutting when I ate too much, or missed workouts. When I got my wisdom teeth out, I was so happy because I lost 5 lbs in a week, and you could see my ribs and hip bones (I'm pretty tall, and although I was still in a healthy BMI, I looked....wrong).
I eventually, around the December of my junior year of high school, had essentially a nervous breakdown. I decided I was never going to do that to myself again. I ate what I wanted, still healthy, and gained some weight back. I still did exercises, but I didn't write them down. Then gradually since then, I've gotten worse about exercising. I've gained A LOT of weight. I try not to think about my body, both because of trauma, pain from my injuries and because of some gender stuff. I did pool therapy exercises and easy elliptical workouts, but never seriously, because of what happens after I workout hard: I get obsessed.
I decided this week I want to tone my body up, just to feel more connected to myself and to help my physical pain. It also helps with emotional pain. So, I wrote out workouts like I used to. Nothing excessive. That didn't really bother me, but today I did my first workout, just a few minutes ago. And I felt that same obsession, like I wanted to do it for another hour. It felt great, and then the panic set in. I felt like I was going to lost control again. I was physically shaking a few minutes ago terrified I would fall down that same path.
I think I need a different system than notebook writing for my workouts, maybe an app would work. I want to workout but I have this feeling. I think it's sort of like obsession/mania? It's like what I feel about my passions, but I'm healthy about my passions, I can stop if I need to, I take care of myself. It feels uncontrollable. I don't know exactly how to describe it. It feels dangerous.
I think I want to create this thread to reflect on how I can still workout without feeling like this, but any insights would also be great! Thank you!