Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[Tinyflame]

Yes, exactly RKoM, and now I know exacly why I've made those same choices, it's not diffuse to me why now but specific of exactly why. What I thought of myself and why.

And a huge part was not just the regret of my choice, but not having the courage to 'try' (to do something), even if had not been successful, to literally speak up! Like a sickening bystander- of which I therefore have been the worst example.

 

[Abstract]

Junebug, I have come to think that there are many different types of freeze responses. Freezing is an entirely normal response to overwhelming emotions and situations. And it happens much more if we have not had a voice in the past or if our voices have not been heard. If we have learned that freezing is the best bet as we feel that powerless.

I understand how hard it is. I struggle a lot with the concept.

And we all absolutely can change our automatic default responses with training. Some default to "fight" some to "freeze" etc but we can learn to respond in the most appropriate reaction to each situation. I think Pete Walker says it quite well. http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks Abstract, I don't know I guess so. Just seems the end result is the same.

The closer I get to doing this the more frightened I feel. It's just like when I try to quit smoking, end up thinking/ feeling there has to be a better time- any time- any-time-but-this, to try. Like telling myself (now) 'get happy and ignore it". Unfortunately it re-appears in other ways. :( I'm sure it approximates 'progress' to do this, but at the moment all I feel is fear. :tdown: :unsure:

 

[Tinyflame]

..it happens much more if we have not had a voice in the past or if our voices have not been heard. If we have learned that freezing is the best bet as we feel that powerless.

What I mean Abstract is I don't know how this could apply to me, that I don't feel I have that 'excuse' or mitigating reason. And if I didn't speak up as a child that was due to my nature, my fault, my 'choice' perhaps even then. :(

And it might be a 'normal' response but should have been over-ridden due to the gravity. And of the consequences (for many concerned).

 

[Tinyflame]

Am thinking maybe I should ask to cancel. Feel like disappearing in to a rabbit hole and preteding none of this exists. :(

 

[Abstract]

Sadly trying to pretend that things are fine or that we are over it when it comes to PTSd doesnt work.

I can see many, many reasons why you were trained out of using your words or feeling that you had any power. Being left at siblings mercy with very little parental protection or input and being the one that everyone pushes around is not a conducive place to develop healthy self esteem and a sense of personal power.

Children react to situations partly to do with their nature but they always do so as a way of surviving and coping and in that way it is adaptive.

Gravity (read that is intense fear and overwhelm) is exactly what produces the old coping methods and opens up all our vulnerabilities.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well -wow, oh my, yay I not only made it but oh wow, all I could think of was feeling even worse thinking how could I stand revealing what already I can't fix, and is unforgiveable (full fledgedpanic attack/ horror)- only to hear I've done nothing wrong(!) Actually, did something 'right' during it. And (logically, by examples I could follow, a whole different perspective), no I really didn't have, well, actually any culpability. And, I was actually a 'kid'-well that seems weird as I think I was already about "40", at birth, lol. :) Seriously though, never thought of that, really. Well, definitely not in the term used. Whole different context, details, perspective, expectation of myself, or something. But that also made me think, well I was a lot 'littler' at 5 or 6 or 7 etc too, so I can really let that stuff go. Very happily. :) Come to think of it, prior to this, my 'details' (of it) were from my perspective at that age, not what I know now as an adult.

Plus, that those (the) feelings at the time, though I equated it to my own guilt or failure or responsibilty, well it was only because of the realities- that was what was responsible for feeling that way (for everyone, naturally). (Which I thought is exactly comparable to getting triggered from something from the past and rationalizing it must be due to something in the present, too).

My friend said saying it (myself) 'out loud' helps, but I must say only to face the fear, or give the worst fear a 'body' - revealing what is most horrible, of what (I thought) I did. But honestly left to my own thoughts though I never thought the opposite, I would never have come to that conclusion. Well, not for 30 years. On the contrary, it was killing me. But, thought I deserved it. I was looking for a way to bear the unbearable (with no hope in sight) that it seems I never 'did'. Maybe why I couldn't find any way?

So wow-hooray, unbelievable. I am humbled, and grateful and kind of in shock. I'm supposed to say something specific in the mirror- hee, it's weird. First time I did I thought, "looks like I have to clean the bathroom mirror" , hee. :p But I'm persevering. Wow. Feel like I got a brain tumour removed, hee. :) Plus heart surgery, and an organ transplant. Must have been how people felt when they found out the world was round, lol. Better. :)

It's so amazing. I can't do it justice through words. :)

Hugs for all that could use one, xox. :hug:

Oh ya- and wow. Is it ever noticeable how much 'head space' it frees up!

I feel like I'm about "5 minutes old', hee. :) Thank you everyone :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh ya, and also, I forgot- lots of things/details about that time I didn't know, [well, I didn't think of that because it didn't come to me to think to ask those things (of myself) ]. Several details.

You know, because I thought I'd die this way, with nothing anyone could say or do to alleviate what I felt about it and myself, I don't feel badly it impacted on the 30 years. Hopefully it made me a bit more aware of what others go through who feel guilt, I always said prayers for people who were kind of forgotten, that way, or condemned, just because I knew how awful they could/ might feel, especially if they had done something unintentionally that had consequences.

But I do wonder, if I had said something (originally), if the ptsd wouldn't have followed? Well, if I had heard that I don't think so.

Mind you, this (alternative) was something I didn't know could exist til today! :) And it really clears up a lot. :)

 

[Abstract]

So very glad for you Junebug!!! :)

How old were you at the time?

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Abstract!

I'm embarrassed to say, 14. That seems so (too) old! And because I'd been always responsible, and able to manage being on my own and much happened early, it does seem old! Though compared to some of my neighbours kids now- yikes- they are 9 and wearing a bra and make-up-lol. Though not emotionally mature. But ya, worried too all those years the impact it had on others, too. I didn't have any control of it, though, my friend said. I managed to follow through with everything else, afterwards. But my friend was right I wasn't an adult. When I think of what I liked, etc, and same for my friends/ peers. Typical for the age.

I wouldn't have had any control even if had been an adult! Like he said, what would/*could* I have done? Shout about it? Even if I had would have ignored that, anyway. (Not that I did.) Actually my friend said there was absolutely zero responsibilty or guilt that should have been had, on my part, that I had done anything at alll wrong. (though I did argue that a bit, couldn't follow that at first). Said I was simply (at the time) a 'little girl' trying to stay with her father while he was dying.

Sometimes we expect more of kids, or teens I guess. For example, I wasn't working yet, didn't know what else to do, didn't want to bother anyone, had worried about trying to make Mother's Day (the next day) nice, remember stealing a dress for the funeral, then wore it, washed it and smuggled it back to store. Crazy. :rolleyes: :( Stuff like that. Problem-solving-left-to-a-grieving-14-year-old's-mind-and-resources. But this was terribly bigger, life-and-death issue.

Yes, wow, I can't believe it. :) :notworthy:

I woke up early, after 7 a.m., night sweats, but I don't care, ptsd symptoms or not they're relatively irrelevant far as I'm concerned! They are way less. So I got my 4-legged-hairy-baby (dog) breakfast, made a :coffee: and am going back to bed. :)

Funny yesterday morning I had slept in too through alarm clock, and had to get drainpipes down (rain), and dog and laundry etc but still made it. I felt ashamed to cancel, and cancel at last moment. Especially when I had asked, and no notice to cancel. But I remembered too I was happy (albeit frightened) when I asked. Even there I was sort of 'hoping' he'd choose to cancel- I was just :chicken: (Always wanted to use that emoticon, lol). My friend is too conscientious though to cancel. On rare occassion when my aunt was terribly terrified about something, she would say that she felt like she was "going to her execution". I thought of that, and felt like that that morning, but then I thought (very seriously) that I have been doing that already.

Yes, it's a "shocker"!!!!! :)

(((((Sweet Abstract :inlove: :hug: ))))))

 

[Abstract]

Junebug,
14 is a baby when it comes to such things!!! And at 14 you were a child. And all children tend to blame themselves and take responsibility for things that are totally not their responsibility or within their control. Especially when they have been parentified like you had been since a baby.

Good for you for having the courage to go through with it! Essentially what you have experienced is the benefits that therapy can offer. ;) I think the judgements, self blame and distortions form an enormous amount of the suffering with this stuff.

 

[Tinyflame]

Good for you for having the courage to go through with it! Essentially what you have experienced is the benefits that therapy can offer. ;) I think the judgements, self blame and distortions form an enormous amount of the suffering with this stuff.

Thanks Abstract, :inlove: . Oh yes, it profoundly impacted on everything, my relationships (thinking of myself as that 'type' of person), feeling like a 'time bomb', self sabotage with work/ vocation, not feeling 'worthy' (naturally) to be a wife, mom, friend; not 'entitled' to much, suicidal ideation, etc etc. After all, I felt like just about a murderer (in my mind). I mean, who would not even defend someone you love, or speak up, when they can't for themself and it's life or death? Not to mention, therefore more harmful for them the closer anyone got. Plus a coward, with zero loyalty. And/or terribly selfish too. A horrible person, really. Getting what I deserved. Even 'dreaded' the concept of Heaven- having to face it (him).

Not much room for hopes or dreams, that's for sure. Just 'existing' was difficult. My 'self-allergy' (read that all-I-could-do-to-not-reject-myself). Not to mention heart-broken. :(

My friend really gets more credit, because this (and other) stuff is hard to hear. I understand if it's too much. Especially because as I told him though I realize this is what he does (partially what he does), friends should also equal good times, I'd never tell a friend this! So it's weird. But he didn't seem to think it was a big deal at all. Whew! Am glad someone see sthis stuff as 'easy', lol! I trust what he says though, and he has alwas been a good person. Plus he knows about ptsd, and does important things, like it wasn't overly bright or loud. Plus he just didn't cancel or I would have! He sure has forgiven me a lot.

I guess, too, if he didn't make it feel safe or I didn't feel safe I couldn't have got the courage (loosely termed! :rolleyes: ). Never really thought of that, being or feeling scared sometimes can co-exist with being safe.

But am so lucky too, because it would have continued (plus in other ways I could envision) to cause more problems, I can think of another thing I would have had to give up probably eventually, that I value and rely on a lot. So I am so lucky! :) And surprised! And very thankful! :) And totally amazed! :)

Came back to say, I told my friend my head feels scrambled trying to take this all in. :eek: :confused: :) "Scrambled eggs" hee :p :)

I hope I don't melt down, as some weird 'after-effect'. But I think this will help make room for the capacity for joy. Wow. :)

I am soooooooooooo thankful and happy!!! :)

Thank you all too for your kindness and support! :hug: