Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[Tinyflame]

And Whitney, must run (oye!) to work but just wanted to say, am at least relieved (self-compassion??) that my meltdowns and 'disintigrating' and such, were a little while back, not today, not yesterday, etc. :) Because yes, I have.

Biggest of hugs, xox :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

I think I've made a mistake trying to quit smoking. :( I have had very few, but I think I need them to ground. :( I have saved about 52$ so far, almost, health isn't a motivator but saving the $ is.

A dear friend here said that his SO is getting better at coping each day. I wonder if I am getting better at coping each day? :(

 

[Tinyflame]

He called depression like "something with (deep) claws".

Without smoking I feel lonely, ill, down, and difficulty concentrating. Though the middle 2 I'd probably feel anyway. I have a monster headache, but when I have one I feel sick, also. I also feel sick eating more.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize something tonight, came home and sister and her bf were (are) very drunk, think was booze+heat+no eating, going by what I see here. I became her target, her looking for cigs (she quit too), calling me everything under the sun. I really don't know 'how' to get better in this. I know some things (some times) the stuff is bad/ shouldn't be tolerated. Ironically much of what I tried to avoid (violent drinking, etc) I've ended up in.

But, apart from that, not smoking has to be my own choice. Hard not to during this sort of thing. Not as an excuse but such times.

I think I get discouraged, because I know that, apart from even the ptsd itself, how can one change beliefs when knowledge alone isn't sufficient?

 

[Whitneys story]

A dear friend here said that his SO is getting better at coping each day. I wonder if I am getting better at coping each day? :(

Yes, as the more we talk; the more facts are being resolved. You are gaining understanding! You are doing really well. Maybe it is to much to quit! Cutting down, not inhaling; is helpful. Baby steps :) leaps when you are ready. :hug:

Junebug, I am happy we are moving forward. It is expected to take time as none of this occurred overnight. Gradually the understanding will become your new thinking process. you will begin feeling your growth. :) Great post about not for days! :hug: Whitney

 

[Whitneys story]

Junebug, Can you have smaller meals and a couple of snacks? Your system is likely not used to full meals. Add a little every day. Energy bars are handy and wrapped, great for tucking in a pocket. ;)

 

[Whitneys story]

Your sister, correct her behavior is not acceptable; nor should it be tolerated. But we know she is ill, she is pushing your buttons. What can we do?

I know your in a tight area. We need to find an action for you rather than reaction. Do not respond to her, leave the room! Eventually she will get the picture that you are not hearing her. Not reacting to her demeaning blah. She is acting like a spoilt child. Or better yet send her to her room! Finding boundaries is difficult, but not impossible. It just takes a bit of trying, gritting your teeth; but don't let her see you.

May I ask if you realize it has been quite some time since she has been mentioned. Has she been away?

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Whitney, that is what I did, except that I did it out of fear (I did not react with anger), but I went and locked myself in my room (safety). And you are exactly right about pushing the buttons. I fear if I don't 'listen' to her though I am harming her in some way; I remember Mother Teresa saying 'listen (to someone drinking)". I don't know it gets all confused. I can't tell her anything personal or it ends up used against me.

No, she has not been away, but perhaps I just realize (always have actually) that it is my own responsibilty to get better or to 'deal'. And I would say she has been managing better (herself). I realize quitting/ or not smoking feels wicked (for either of us). She and her bf got awfully drunk last night. I cleaned up a bit when I got home, but left most of (that) stuff there. Was too afraid to wash and that but certainly didn't do without eating. :rolleyes: Yes, smaller, controlled meals, I am learning. As I will not just get big but my guts always bleed. :rolleyes:

What seems overwhelming, is there's the ptsd (management), there is this environment (dangerous and a downer at times), and there are the (my) screwed up beliefs I have from a lifetime, whether from childhood, my own fault, or just sufferings. That realization came to me as regards knowledge vs beliefs, I think that's the trouble, also relates to trust etc.. I realize that's not much detail but I think that's possibly where these ideas (or 'truths' or beliefs, for lack of a word) get formed, and naturally perpetuated for a lifetime- either reinforced or(my) not even being aware of them- well hard to alter a lifetime's worth (and that's not even taking in to consideration the ptsd part). Oye. :(

Thank you Whitney, ((((((((((( Sweet Whitney ))))))))), xoxoxox, it sure helps, both in general and specifically, and not to feel as alone. :hug:

 

[Whitneys story]

((((((((((((Junebug)))))))))))). :) Outstanding! I am excited to read your understanding the baby steps.

"My own fault". This is the PTSD talking. So much of what we react to from past is not having the reinforcement that we are not guilty. We survive accepting that we somehow had asked for this past. :( We keep breaking down the past programming to find how to take action rather than reacting.

Good job doing what helped you feel safe! You are not responsible for your sisters actions. The stronger you become we can only hope she begins to understand.

She must make the choice to save herself! Currently she is expecting you to save her. Mother T was a great person and did miraculous work. She would not have accepted your sisters actions either. :).

"Fault". Did you create anything by your actions in the past? Or have you reacted to situations to survive?

I am so glad you don't feel alone, even if we are far apart. We are learning something new every day. You are doing the work. You are becoming so much more focused! :hug: and so much more! Whitney

 

[Whitneys story]

Trust, Very common and requires understanding and boundaries. When trust in the past is so violated and used against us we need to advance gradually.

Learning to trust ones self takes practice. Are you able to list 3 things that you trust about yourself? Not others. There is no race to answer this question! :tup: :hug: Whitney

 

[Powder]

Junebug,

You have such a good heart. I pity the person out there waiting to love you for the rest of your life having to wait another day to get to be with you living that life together. How do you know what life is like for him or her while they also wait for you?

My husband loves me with all of me intact. My theory is that life is just better with chocolate, love, and friendship, even if there are too-much-chocolate tummy aches and loss of friendship and love that we risk going into it. I still want love, friends, and chocolate. :hug: Life, with or without PTSD, would not be the same with these elements missing.

I, too, was steering toward NO KIDS. Just because being a child was so horrible for me, I feared it would be a risk not amenable to me to undertake on behalf of someone else. I also didn't know if I could handle a disabled or otherwise challenging child, or loosing a child, god forbid.

I had a child by accident. And there are no accidents. She is a miracle of life itself. She has a healing power over everything. If I believe in God at all it is because of what I have experienced in being married to and having had two miracle children. They are all wonderful. Sometimes I feel I don't deserve them, and fear I could loose them and that I wouldn't be able to bear it at all.

But I daily remind myself I am the lucky one to have them today. I am so in love with them all. This love is worth living for, no matter what else I have in terms of emotional baggage. I get a day to enjoy as much as I can with these three BELOVED ones.

That is all I basically live for. So I guess I don't comprehend the post that one's quality of life would deteriorate having to be a mother. That misses the whole point for me. I love doing their laundry, buying them things, taking them places. I love holding them, loving them, and helping them with their homework. I hate it when they are ill; it about unravels me.

As Junebug, you said, any suffering to witness, up close, is horrible and crashes into me so. I cry a lot when they are sick. I would so rather I were the one who was ill. It would be so much easier emotionally for me. I dread that I will not die first, but I am willing to sacrifice my feelings to make it so my husband some day will die not alone, and in my loving arms. I will have to bear the agony of losing him, I assume the risk. And tears always come when I fear this terrible fear, of losing him in any way. But I must bear it if I am to enjoy a life with him. We have been the best of friends and lovers since we were 18. We are now 36. My life didn't start, not really, until I decided to live it for Him and My Children (and in so doing for myself as their wife/friend/mother/whatever I can be for them).

But I have always had a selfless side; maybe that is a failing on my part, a weakness. I could never want much for just myself. I could never achieve much if it were only good for myself. I am far more motivated to help my loved ones than to help myself. That seems to be out of my control and an essential part of me, better or worse.

Junebug, I don't claim to know you that well. You have a selfless streak, too, that makes you feel like true kin to me. I suffered so much just by being afraid of having and holding a beloved. I don't even know what all went into my pushing Him away. I pushed him and hurt him to push him away. I really gave it a damn good try (again and again). I told myself I was testing him. Maybe that was it. Maybe I still do test him. But I found a man who passed with flying colors every time, taking several bricks out of my wall every time, until one day I suddenly realized that my heart actually felt genuine Trust with another human being. I never felt that way before (that I can recall). It took me from 17 (1994) when the love and also testing (adventure) began together (to about 2004; when trust suddenly was discovered!) so 10 years! A decade passed by and trust was born. Our first daughter was about 5 and entering kindergarten. I had just completed my Master's degree. Trust came by degrees (literally and figuratively) of life responding predictably to hard work with fruit.

Junebug, have you ever planted a vegetable and let it grow, being amazed that all you had to do was put it in the ground with a little care and water it? Life can be like that. After all the terrible agony and difficulty, suddenly life works? It's almost incomprehensible that things should work out or turn out alright? Isn't it? That's when we really freak out. Because it makes the terrible relations and terrible experiences of the past seem even more absurd. We do so like things to make sense. We will stay in agony for life to make sense. I know because I did/I tried, and you are trying.

We can't see the sun come out. No. It contradicts all that we know. Who suddenly changed the Laws of the Universe? What little control I had was to stay unhappy! When Love enters your life, it will not turn away; like the sun it will make things grow that you didn't believe in, and you will grow in ways you did not believe would occur. If you shut life out, it cannot change you. If you are willing to go out into life, you will not be the same. You will risk a happy ending to your story. This is most fearful for us! We would then really have something to lose.

Sure, we will still have our PTSD, but we will have wonderful moments, too. Something worthwhile that cannot go away either.
Love will find you if you believe it can exist in you; I see it in you. You belong to someone who is also wanting you, wanting your complexity, your uniqueness, your particular beauty that you don't even recognize.

When we decide to live for someone else, we grew and keep on growing. Love and caring for someone else makes us try to be more than we are, and we become more than we ever knew we could be. Even better when there is no going back.

Relationships are so much work, so tiring sometimes. It has been my salvation to have people to live for. I am more loving with practice. I live myself better this way. ;) Don't give up yet. You have a head start. You're a very loving person already.

Love, Muse

 

[Powder]

the page I opened it to just by chance was the date of my dad's death, and it said a quote at the top "Home is the definition of God", by Emily Dickinson.

:hug:

We have another synchronicity, Junebug! On the day you wrote this, August 20th, which you say is the date of your Dad's death, it also happens to be my 2nd daughter's birthday! And on that day, 8 days ago, I also happened to be at a point in a good book I was reading, Life of Pi. It was odd to me that I just read a description of Pi tapping his daughter, (also his youngest) on the nose four times and saying she was 4. It was my daughter's 4th birthday. I was reading this book whilst she played at her favorite large indoor toy with other kids her age. The narrator says "so it's a happy ending...". I felt a surge of joy when this occurred. Here I was reminded of how no matter what suffering in life, I am privileged to have this rather scrappy 4-year-old be my child and to remind me by her very existence that my life has a happy ending.

You say it's hard to think of "the future" and to have hope. That is so PTSD. We fight that, daily. Sometimes I need to be told I'm living "in" that hopeful future, right now! I get tired, and I sink. I don't even know I'm sinking in PTSD sometimes. My H. sees it and tells me before I even see it.

I believe that the loved ones are just out of our reach, but they have ways of telling us they have not forgotten us either. :) However, small, and you haven't forgotten this love, this bond, this gift. You will make a wonderful mother.

Muse