Emotional And Intimacy Deficient

[nomedic1]

I have no real connections, I can write here, but I am unable to talk to people, and if I do I seem to drive them away, I have put my heart in some people's hands and the have returned the favour by crushing it.

 

[presentjoy]

I'm working a lot on intimacy with therapist. Even a conversation about intimacy in our therapeutic relationship takes me a lot of effort to stay seated on the couch. It's so hard to trust. Especially because I don't know what I'm feeling a lot of the time. Therapist said that was noteable because how we feel is the beginnings of a basis for intimacy.

Nomedic is it possible that you either keep everything hidden (ie no emotional intimacy at all), or let it all spill, which results in your being too vulnerable all at once?

I think I was raised to be too trusting. Which, I think now has become just completely untrusting. I can be open, but that's different. Actually it's tricky because I learned at some point in high school that *oversharing* can produce a barrier to intimacy. If we share more than the other person has, it sets up a dynamic where we are more exposed, and the other person may back away, feeling as if they have to share as much as we just did. There's an idea of reciprocity in here, I suppose. And having PTSD, if we share feelings or any experiences because we think we feel it safe to, can backfire if we've wrongly estimated the other person. Or maybe I can say, if the other person has unknowingly conveyed they can be trusted, but had no idea the level of sharing that would come up with us.

This is just my experience. But it came up from your last post about putting your heart in some people's hands. Being truly emotionally intimate in a personal relationship is different than being able to post things on an online forum. That's the equation for me, anyway. I had a long distance relationship with my spouse for a long time and then I moved to another country to be with him, and it all changed, because instead of interacting over an online forum (not here) or on skype or in email, we were faced with a need for intimacy, every day, in ways I emotionally couldn't provide. It's in part been our downfall : (

 

[nomedic1]

Thanks for posting this presentjoy.

 

[The Albatross]

... I can write here, but I am unable to talk to people, and if I do I seem to drive them away, I have put my heart in some people's hands and the have returned the favour by crushing it.

I can relate to this in a big way. Though I do have some emotional connections now, they are "one step removed" from my life. They are "by proxy" relationships because I am a care giver for clients seeking independence and the ability to remain at home. A nationally acclaimed psycho therapy group diagnosed me with "situational depression", because betrayal and deception in addition to the various forms of abuse were committed by my father, brother, mother, and both husband (my first and present one).

It is not an easy row to hoe. But it did help me to realize that I feel the way I feel at times deservedly. The family and spouses in my circle for their own dynamic, caused damage to me.

The key thing for me though to keep in mind. Is that their choices, though they resulted in further damage to me, were schemas... conscious or unconscious... I was just another "actress" in their "play". On investigation, for each party, I can clearly see what happened... but it does make it very difficult to form closer bonds or to restore/repair relationships.

The short version, is I get this.

 

[The Albatross]

I can also relate to your "crush" reaction. I have had (through the course of the past 30 years) three platonic "emotional affairs". Purely platonic. On self investigation, it was avoidance for me. Avoidance, and a self affirmation that I was still capable of desiring of intimacy with another human being.

I have pretty much made no bones here on the forum about the lack of physical intimacy in my present marriage. I have though done the self investigation necessary to understand where the blocks are and realize what the challenges/risks are to myself. Even the risks to this marriage if I am unable to restore intimacy to the level my spouse desires.

It is a daunting, bleek picture... but I like to look hard at and understand what I am up against. I did do that at least, and for now, I'm still partnered by my spouse. I guess that's something, eh?

 

[SR72]

I live with my husband that suffers from ptsd. We are having issues he said he feels nothing sexual or intimate. I know it sounds selfish but I need those things in my life so badly. He thinks its due to his medication but its been lacking for sometime. With the ptsd he couldn't be more self absorbed and say my needs no longer even occur to him. He's not interested in slowing or stopping his drinking and according to my therapist no therapy will help until he's no longer dependent on alcohol. I feel defeated and sad. He has ptsd and that means my life is over (or at least feels that way).

 

[nomedic1]

Sorry SR72 I know how it feels , here to talk if you feel like it.

 

[nomedic1]

You try your best but its like you are shackled , I can't cry, I can't truly laugh, my anger is buried deep, and joy is non existent. Why can't I release these feeling why can't I just find understanding and peace.

 

[The Albatross]

I had to approach it as a course of study, it worked for me. I can laugh, am not angry most often, have brief moments of joy from time to time now. Mostly it is generally satisfying. That's what I took aim at. I have calm and a good bit of peace. Still not good at the crying thing though.

What feedback do you get from your spouse? What efforts or tactics are you currently employing?

 

[nomedic1]

None, in a difficult spot at the moment.

 

[The Albatross]

Movement in any direction will get you, at least, somewhere else. I hope you can rectify this as clearly it is painful for you.

 

[Philippa]

I think expressing that you want to be able to feel and to release the anger you have buried and find understanding and peace is a wonderful intention to set for yourself. Have you tried listening to music that evokes emotions in you? I always find Kate Bush is a wonderful catalyst for tears to flow. I don't know if she is to your taste though, but that is one suggestion. Sad movies, especially with the main plot being similar to your story, can really help with crying.

I've read it so many times online by some old sage or whoever, that change occurs when we can no longer stand the pain we are in. I've had the same issue with crying for ages now, though it has started to improve, and I had no trouble crying when it finally hit me that the cat died. Things can and do improve nomedic1, but it can feel like it never will, I know.