Emotions Turning Physical

[Deleted member 20978]

ps Not worried I need to leave, or needing to block anyone so far. More worried of being banned for I can't tell because no one has ever even told me and I'm supposed to mind read. No way to ask directly within site rules.. I do get a ton of *overt* messages from folks saying I'm appreciated, so need to continue to do a lot of work in how I interpret silence. I *feel* as if I keep being told I'm being disruptive, but surely that's paranoia and not accurate. EIther way, trying to be less disruptive and finding it pays a lot to make that effort in terms of the types of responses I do get.

I'm suggesting any more responses don't follow me off-topic here. I have gotten good answers for my original question. If I have these same ongoing symptoms I'll post more here or start a thread if none exists.

 

[Powder]

You sound smart and have a good attitude. What's not to like?

If someone doesn't like you, they are just wrong. Just remember that. Not liking you is just plain bassackwards of them. :)

 

[Powder]

I *feel* as if I keep being told I'm being disruptive, but surely that's paranoia and not accurate.

OMG thank you for typing that out. You obviously DO read minds because this is most on point comment I've read in a long time. Yes! I just didn't know how to express this.

Thing is not merely on the forum--it's worse for me in pretty much all relationships with authority figures. If you look at where my trauma was, it's self-explanatory.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Yes well be that as it may, I don't actually like being kept in the corner while not being told anything explicitly and also smacked down elsewhere for trying to read minds. It's contradictory and hypocritical. I cannot help but use the same sideways passive aggressive channels being used to communicate with me. Literally, cannot help it. No, can't read minds exactly. You stand before the veteran of a thousand psychic wars, is more like it.

Everyone is allowed not to like me. Passive aggressiveness is on them. Of the myriad ways people may misread me is the idea that I'm being happy go lucky because I believe everyone likes me, as opposed to, if you don't like me, leave me alone, I'm going to stay positive as much as I can (except when I can't, because HEY I have PTSD!). But I would like to stay in this community and contribute as much as I get out of it. Hard to do when the rules are applied without ANY explanation and seem repeatedly to apply differently to me than to others. What I have been able to deduce no that front, hopefully correctly, is that my instability and over-chattiness were perceived by at least some as disruptive, and I'm still working on this, and managing my presence and symptoms in a way that maybe, some day, will be seen as equally valid as anyone else here. Don't want any special privileges, just same as everyone else. It's also possible my intentions are ambiguously read or perceived as malicious, in which case, seems like some mind reading there. I have nothing but respect, but deserve to understand explicitly what ways I may be disruptive.

Sorry Muse I guess I got lost trying to respond to your message. What's not to like? Everything, I was told this repeatedly growing up. Thanks for chiming in.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

(and -- because I'm trying to see my own eggshells -- sorry for I'm projecting paranoia)

I find the statement a little hard to take as genuine that God has ordained everyone must like me. So, reading that as pretty hostile. Was that your intent? Unclear.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Apology @Muse.

I have PTSD

 

[Panda Bear]

Do others have this sort of thing where emotional triggers result in extreme physical discomfort

Yes yes yes! Always, always, always! All of my emotional triggers have a physical pain attached to them. Each trauma, has a specific place in my body and pain that follows it.

As suggested, check out the book The Body Keeps The Score.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

I'm an asshole.

Peoples, like this post at your own risk.

It's in an open tab, need to hit purchase. I think I may be able to read more in coming days. Working on quieting down a lot first. ps I had the Icarus print on my wall checked out from library last winter that is on the book cover! Auspicious.

 

[Powder]

No, no hostility at all. I think that you've been feeling unworthy of positive noticing from others, so when you get some, it just doesn't square.

I may be projecting my best guess about my problem, again, because I often feel threatening undertones to compliments. I'm learning to realize that my mother's compliments were always faint praise and barely-veiled hostility, so I may simply be seeing the world as it was for me, and unaware that some people are not as messed up as my folks both totally were.

It's just not possible to reboot myself. I am trying to be more self-encouraging and positive as well as with others and how I see and treat them, which is a different tone altogether.

 

[Deleted member 20978]

Well I do think there may exist humans not bassackwards who don't like me.

But sorry, I am just generally having lots of moments of distrust and triggers for my own stuff. Thank you for responding.