Even Time Has Been Taken From Me!

[Mawyanne]

Does anybody else feel like they've spent half of their life 'surviving' and the other half recovering?
Why couldn't I have long ago been able to recognize the traumatic life I grew up under and then been able to say, "Well, THAT happened!" and just move on? Why couldn't I just 're-invent' myself, recreate my life and enjoy good, healthy life experiences?
It just doesn't seem right that so much of my life was taken up in survival mode... when even the basic need of breathing had to be controlled and silenced, lest the soft sounds of breathe give away my hiding place? When even the basic need of food took second place to safety? But even though I am now on the opposite side of the country from the people and places of abuse (and I do feel safer than I ever have!) I'm still recovering (and in a sense, still surviving!)
"Life's just not fair," how ironic that this statement came from the evil Scar, uncle of Simba (for Lion King fanatics.)
So I ask, "How long? How long will it be until I can just live life without fear of dread?"
So, time itself has been taken from me!

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe we never get to that point?

Kinda why I'm giving up. :-/

 

[expectingbetter]

From me too, you have explained so well, it is sad it is so true :(

 

[shimmerz]

"How long? How long will it be until I can just live life without fear of dread?"

Yes. I tried hard not the focus on the time wasted. It was a tough one though. Now that you are in a safe place, it is a good time to change that program in your head. Remind yourself over and over again that you are there. That you are safe. That you have reclaimed your freedom. And freedom is a really tough concept.... I still don't know what that means to me yet. But I sure as heck am going to try to find out.

I am sorry for your losses, but so happy to know that you have fought your way to safety.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Interesting thread, thank you.

I have lived in dread for most of my life. I still get it occasionally but I attribute this to having symptoms from PTSD. Old habits and old survivor skills are no longer working for me to save me and they are now counterproductive to creating a better life for myself.

However, it is not as bad as it was. I am learning who to trust now, and do not experience dread most of the time now.

But in the beginning of my therapy process, it was at a all time record high.

I survived in unhealthy ways for so many years of my life and and then had to face up me clearing the rubble out of the aftermath of the destruction of my false self. So many things to learn and to practice for me.

I will always have PTSD and have to learn how to cope in healthier ways now. I still have my bad days and I try to to do my coping skills and self care. I hope this helps.

 

[ladee]

Guess because of my history, the word 'fair' never came into the equation... like most here, survival, that is what I had to do.. Well, something in me kept me surviving... toward what end? Did I even consciously think about what I was surviving for? Probably not... all I know is this is where I am. This is the hand I was dealt.... not because I deserved it, none of us did.... but we are also living in a time where so much is available to us to get better. To have some kind of quality of life....
I grieved what I didn't get. I was angry and hurt at all the work I had to do. And then I would get a respite.... ahhh, so THIS is what I'm working toward, ahh ok, I can do this some more... I had to use my brain to survive. Now I use my brain to live. Wasn't easy or fair then, isn't easy or fair now sometimes... Honestly, I don't even know what 'fair' means... I'm glad I don't... because I really have nothing to compare my life to anything but what I have lived.
Times I thought I would die, times I wanted to die, but, here I am with all of you.... Thank the powers that be... days I get in the fetal position and give myself the luxury of a day off....
I look at others in the world and still think I would rather be me than them... I don't know who else is walking around in pain they can't put words to. Ya, PTSD , has stolen from me.. my abusers have stolen from me.. but I am here. And have been given so much... so , no, guess it's not 'fair', but it's my life.

 

[Mawyanne]

Kinda why I'm giving up. :-/

But I sure as heck am going to try to find out.

Oh, NO! Eve, you can NEVER give up! There is hope, I know there is! Even though it's taking SO long, we are all recovering! Maybe we won't ever recover 100% but like Shimmerz stated, I sure as heck am gonna find out!
Besides, I kinda have the mind that if I give up then my abusers have won... If they have beaten me down that hard that I can't rise up... well, I have to get up! Over the years I have gotten up again and again and even though I am worn from getting up over and over...well, I know that I am rising above all of IT, even if it's just a little bit! that means something to me! Something that no abusers can take away from me! So... In their face! (did I dare just say that?!)

 

[Deleted member 34535]

Does anybody else feel like they've spent half of their life 'surviving' and the other half recovering...

Do I ever know exactly how you feel. I figured this mess out a couple years ago. 52 long, hard years of survival. My anxiety was amped up so high I felt like I was plugged into a 220 volt socket. It wasn't I took the medication Lithium that I was finally slowed down enough to see things clearly. It doesn't seem fair does it? Nothing about this life is fair, it just is what it is. No DNA family, few friends, no social life. I am blessed to be able to work and function in society, and for that I am eternally grateful. I can't look back. I feel as though 2/3 of my life was taken from me through no fault of my own. If I keep on looking back wishing and wondering, the last 1/3 will be gone and I will have lost any chance of having a period of time where I can say I really lived on this earth for the time I was able to do so. I hurt every day, but I am going to move forward.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Yes, time stolen from us.

Missing out on all sorts of things growing up - as a psychologist told me two years ago. :cry:

What things?!? :cry: