Ever Have To Bring Down Your Supporter?

[4L150N]

My husband referred to it as "Damage Over Time" (which is an online gamer term also just known as DOT), when he left me for a woman who seduced him while I was in the hospital getting treatment. Support doesn't always come from the people we think it's "supposed to". Especially since some of those people are the reason we got this way to begin with!

 

[Eleanor]

He just wants...*poof* all better.
.

Well, yeah. Don't we all?:sick:

Sounds like he needs to take care of himself. I'm inviting him to come on down to the supporter section and read up on "compassion fatigue", and get some support himself.

Also, it is worth mentioning my favorite (and thus far true) theory that we always fall in love with people who are exactly as "screwed up" as we are - just in opposite ways - the yin to the other's yang as my T says. So, if one falls in love with someone who already has PTSD a supporter should prepare oneself to do some serious work on themselves if the relationship is going to flourish. Sorry your H wimped out 4L150N:( That sucks.

 

[Girl3]

If one's spouse acts more like a tumor than a helper, sometimes a spousectomy is the best thing for you.

 

[EloiseLandau]

4L150N: yeah, exactly. Happened to me too...more than once. Only she was "just a friend" and "they didn't do much" so why should I be upset?

Eleanor: He has read up on caretaker's syndrome and all sorts of things. Only he's taken it upon himself to be a supporter to more than one person; they don't have PTSD, but at least one is needier than anyone has a right to be. (This has nothing to do with the above post to 4L150N).

Girl3: I figure as the damaged person with the best perspective, I'm going to be leaning on him a lot less. A lot less. I think it actually hurts his feelings how I'm suddenly backing off. It's painful but pain is nothing new. I won't be a cause of his fatigue if I can help it. And working on my recovery is my priority, not ruining his health...if that makes sense.

 

[Girl3]

YAY for you Eloise. Grow strong and heal!

 

[EloiseLandau]

This is really a good thing, I think. For the past several months we would have a pattern going: I would be in pain, try to tell him what I am feeling, and he would respond with statements like he's doing all he can, he's burned out, he's tired, he can't give a damn, he's got other people to support (his choice), and sort of implies I either have to acknowledge what a great job he's doing or suck it up.

He doesn't listen anymore, since he already knows it all. Nevermind he man handled me and my situation in the earlier days; I'm supposed to just acknowledge he was trying SOMETHING, even if it made me feel worse.
So then my tendency was to get angry and shout in defense, and ...well....bad habit I know.

So withdrawing seems good. Peaceful. Time to meditate and get angry or think about math equations or what have you. Think about myself. Shore up my personal self.

He can also concentrate on being a supporter for his other people and not complain about me taking his resources.

I also think it drives home the fact I have PTSD, but I'm not a dependent. Like many people, I'll get through this with or without someone in my life.

 

[Girl3]

We PTSD folk - because we are so defective in our own estimation - often pick people who are narcissistic because if they are so good and perfect and they like us, it makes us OK. But because the universe is twirling around them, they don't really help us.

Their efforts refer to them, not us. It isn't about them aiding us, it is about them and their effort.

Perhaps your 'he' and my 'he' could compare notes and impress each other with their might feats of strength.

EloiseLandau, I think you are well on your way to better.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Thanks Girl3 and Eleanor.
I told him he was more than welcome to keep supporting the people he's supporting. I don't need it if he's going to try to dominate.

He's suddenly trying to be more cooperative.

Why does he only try that when I'm angry like that