Relationship Everything i do and say is wrong

[anonymous]

Having tough time supporting family member with PTSD. I try to be supportive and validating of her feelings.

But no matter what I say I'm accused of being mean and not caring. The mood swings she has...leaves her up and down emotionally. She's acting out...yelling and being disrespectful.

She refuses to take her medication. She continues to self harm.

Its 3 steps forward 25 back.

I feel helpless and confused on what to do.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Lashing out behaviors are rough. It's a stress reaction, but that doesn't make it ok.

Learning to control the lashing out is part of their healing process. It takes some time. You personally can't do anything to stop them, so you have to learn how to protect your own mental health and happiness.

Two things are key here; patience and boundaries.

Firstly, you do not have to stand there and take that kind of treatment. Do not engage, because that is like throwing gasoline on a fire. However you are allowed your boundaries. If they start in, stop them immediately and tell them "I love you, but I will not stand here while you yell/call names/are rude to me. When you want to talk like a rational person, I'll be here." Then remove yourself from the situation. Every time. No discussion. They don't get a say in that because it is YOUR boundary. Eventually they will reconize that yelling at you doesn't work. I'm not saying it is perfect and the lashing out will go away entirely, but it definitely puts a dent in it.

Secondly, if you recognize it's a stress reaction, take it as a stress reaction. Don't take things personally. This is more for your mental health than your sufferer's. Sometimes you're just going to have to listen to it. You cannot always remove yourself. Don't get emotional and engage, fight back or argue. It just draws it out and makes it worse. Just "let it go." I know that is way easier said than done. My vet has said some horrible thing to me when he's been lashing out. A lot of the times he doesn't even remember what he said after some time has passed. For instance, we were reminiscing about a short weekend trip we took a few years ago, and he was talking about how great it was, and how wonderfully we got along. I remember being reamed out a few times and crying alone in the hotel parking lot because I was overwhelmed. I would have saved myself a lot of pain those few days if I'd have just recognized the stress reaction and let his bad attitude roll off my back.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

The people we love, are unfortunately the ones that get the brunt of our poorly managed behaviors. When I am in a flashback type mode I tend to write. I don't even remember what I write and have to go back and check later, when I come out of it.:banghead::facepalm:
I have friends I pm on here that I have called out by saying, "are you sure you haven't been triggered by it?" Same behaviors. Please know it isn't you. Think of us as a toddler throwing some kind of tantrum. Put us in time out or yourself in time out. But know we don't mean it, will most likely apologize and feel horrible when we come to.

 

[anonymous]

Walk away?

You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Walk away?

You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

Walk away. Yes. Reason is to protect you.

But You can help the person you love. Have some patience and understanding. Be there when they come out of it. Or don't... I mean, I guess you could leave, if that is what you need.

 

[anonymous]

Walk away. Yes. Reason is to protect you.

But You can help the person you love. Have some patience...

I don't have support like that. You're lucky if you do.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The OP is a supporter asking specifically how they can better handle stress reactions from their sufferer. Let's keep the thread on topic.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you for the replies. I especially like what you said @Sweetpea76 about saying I love you but won't allow you to yell/ scream at me.

My sufferer is in her teens. I'm trying to gauge how much is teen angst and how much is her PTSD.

Her therapist told me that she pulls the suicide card when she's in trouble for doing something that requires serious consequences. So she told her that if she says that I must take her to hospital to be evaluated until she comes up with a different response. Since that conversation she's hasn't said she was suicidal.

Small progress.

But I asked her tonight if she was OK and nearly got my head bitten off. I calmly said what is wrong? You don't need to bite my head off. She did come back later and apologize but it's hurtful. I started to cry.

I know NOT taking what she says personally I need to work on...easier said than done.

I know she's suffering and I can't wave a wand and make it better.

Her therapist said she should face natural consequences I.e. she's not showering regularly. I got her deodorant but she won't use it and sometimes she smells really bad. I agreed not to say anything to her that would make her feel ashamed. Its hard though to say nothing while her hair is a greasy mess.

Her therapist said that with the km and of trauma she endured some teens revert to this behavior.

*sigh* this is just so hard and I'm constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Sorry I think I'm babbling my frustrations out

 

[anonymous]

Also how do I deal with her when I ask her to do a chore or help with something and she flat out refuses?

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's a tough one... how would you know if it was PTSD causing her not to be able to function or her just being a PITA teenager? Not to be condescending to any sufferers, but to us on the outside of it, some stress reactions can oftentimes look the same as tantrums, blowing off responsibilities, moodiness etc.

How far along is she in her therapy? Is this a new thing for her? If so, she may be hanging on by her fingernails and not capable of having a lot of responsibilities. I'd maybe bounce some ideas off her therapist to see where she may be in that respect.

Again, that's a tough one. As a parent this is the age where you're trying to teach your child to function as an adult in society. That's going to be rough with PTSD throwing a monkey wrench in there.

 

[anonymous]

Well, I think part of it is her refusal to take her medication and the other part bring a very hormonal teenager

@Sweetpea76 I used your advice about what to say to her and it had a positive results

 

[anonymous]

I think she is very depressed. She says she is tired all the time and very lazy. I mean she doesn't even wash her hair.

I met with her therapist today and she's trying to get into her head the reason she feels so crappy is because she refuses to take the anti depressant.

There's only so much I can do. Psychiatrist said if she won't take it, that's her decision. We cannot force her.