Sufferer Exit Sanity, Enter Hatechild

[Hatechild]

I've been asking around if there was anyone else with PTSD I could talk to and a friend directed me to this thread.

I've been dragged through the mud quite a bit these last few years. I will discuss those when I am ready.

I've accomplished some pretty amazing things since, but people take that to mean I'm totally fine. Others just don't understand at all.

Anyway...

Salutations.

 

[Manc]

I only sought help late last year, and I know I have been suffering in silence from an early age. I covered it up with acting my way through life, people think ..well thought I was the strong one. I had all the answers, where deep down I am like a frightened child. I couldn't go to work and sat at home crying or just hiding, but all the time telling no one....my wife is bi polar, and when she found out, she just thinks its an excuse, or that I just don't care and I am lazy.

We have been to counselling but that hasn't helped. All I knew is that I was better off hiding this from everyone. I have had several serious suicide attempts and got thrown into a mental hospital new years day evening, I am well in debt. I am on my 3rd marriage and am almost 50 with a 2 year old girl...if this marriage fails which I am almost convinced it will, I don't think I can live without my little girl.

I feel like I am from another planet.I know I have gone on about me, but I just wanted to say a few things that might ring a few bells. I think what hurts the most is that the woman I love so dearly now just thinks I am a weak person, who just can't be arsed.

Suicide is a lovely thought. The last time I tried I went to die in the back garden having slashed my wrists. I remember laying down, I put a sheet over me, and I have never felt so relieved thinking at last ...it will all end. The next day I felt different. Sometimes I feel great and life is sweet, but in my mind.I know its just waiting to come back and get me. So whats the fcking point?

Anyhow..how yer feeling ha ha .....no one tells you about this stuff...and being a man I think is worse as other men just seem to think I am a bit flat or down...well no...I am lost and bluffing my way through each and everyday...its exhausting

 

[Hatechild]

Alright then. The latest thing to happen was less than a year ago I found my Dad dead in his flat. He had committed suicide by overdose. There was going to be a lengthy trial involving the man who tried to murder me (it didn't even end up going to trial can you believe that?!) and he is in jail but that is another story.

It's the worst thing I can think of that's ever happened and that probably ever will happen and that is saying a lot. Today is one of those numb days. I don't know what to think or feel.

 

[Manc]

kin ell..no wonder you have numb days. Do you self medicate? I hate telling people the only thing that lets my mind escape is having a joint...people think I just get wrecked but it slows my mind down and takes the thoughts way from the ones I don't want. What do you do to hide?

 

[BigBear]

HC,

You tell us what feels right. No more. We are here to listen (and care)! In the meantime, listen to what others are saying about them selves. You will find that there are people here like you and who understand you!

We are glad you are here.

Bear

 

[Hatechild]

I've self medicated before in many ways. I create music. That's all I have really. But it's a good thing to have.

 

[Manc]

I think I could explain nuclear energy better than I can explain my head. One thing that has helped but it is very difficult to do, is to mentally step aside and almost look at yourself as someone else, and then tell yourself that the thoughts are not who I am or about, they are just thoughts, which are electronic crossed wires..nothing more and nothing less. In saying that I haven't had a black black day for a couple of months, so I haven't tried this when I am at my worst.. I am sick of running away though, so for now I have decided to take this on...and somehow learn to live with it....or die with it...whichever.

The other part I find very hard is that when you try to talk about it with a loved one or even a stranger..it just sounds like its all about me, and I feel people think I am just exaggerating things. That's the frustrating part, so then we just shut up.

I have had a few psychotherapy sessions, and am at the point of deciding whether to open the boxes in my head, or leave them shut. I suppose I am scared of what I think I know is in them. Don't even know why I am writing all this....probably because I can't talk about it to anyone...especially at home..see all about me again :)

 

[Manc]

Music is a great escape as is reading. I write poems, and then throw them away as they always end up quite dark, and if people read them, I know they would just read the words and not hear the meaning. What kind of music are you into? For me its the Stone Roses and Paul Weller.

 

[Hatechild]

I listen to all kinds of music. My main band which just signed to Legacy Records is an industrial thrash metal band. We're currently recording our second album which my current condition is enhancing to say the least. I run a couple of radio shows and have a good mix of genres.

I would rather not go too far into my band because I can easily be identified by my works.

 

[Hatechild]

One of my side bands I recorded a few songs with a friend and he hung himself shortly before Dad killed himself which has had a compounding effect even more so since I was still recovering from other past trauma before that stuff happened.

 

[Manc]

Fully get yer...there can't be that many thrash bands out there who have just signed up to a record company......must be well pleased? But then again..we don't really get pleased do we? Hope you don't mind me asking stuff, and I am a nosey sod so just tell me to sod off if I ask things I shouldn't be asking. How long have you been dealing with this?

I think I was a bit shocked that having finally sought help and admitting to my wife and friends what the problem is (best I could) that then the one I love most cheated on me as she "didnt like me very much" at the time.....due to my depression/anxiety...whatever it is...and even now that she knows whats wrong etc.....it just feels like she wants to leave, but then thinks she cant in case I top myself. Quite an odd feeling as I was expecting love and support. Silly me. Jave a crack at thrashing a few Stone Roses tracks...could be interesting

 

[Manc]

That must have been very hard to deal with. Do you get suicidal, or does the fact loved ones have done this, so that then stops you as you know the devastation it can leave? I am sure the only reason I am still here is that I hate the thought of my kids somehow blaming themselves or even worse, for them to become like me with the issues and struggles I have.

A silly question, but do you find you doodle a lot?