Expectations And Hope For Life

[jaccat]

I've never been able to think of the future, in any sense, let alone one in which things are better. I wasn't supposed to have a future. Just recently I've begun making decisions about what I want and the whole things is so damn fragile I'm terrified I'm going to ruin it. I can't think about the future, yet I'm beginning to discover I've made my mind up about things without knowing. I'm afraid to look into my decision or question it in case I find obstacles. Because then my inner critc will join in and I'll be right back at the beginning again, without a future. It's like in a sense I'm twenty years behind my peers, only without the optimism or the confidence.

 

[The Albatross]

The more I have intrusions of the past trauma, and realize how hard life has actually been, the less I believe it can be better. Even though, I'm aware, this is exposure therapy, and I need to process my traumas. Gotta go through this.

I don't know how to manage uncertainty without massive anxiety and controlling/over-analyzing behaviors.

The more intrusions of the past, the more the brain will serve up more of what it thinks we/I want. That's why it's so hard to break the cycle and why perceptions and core belief examination can be so important.

Managing uncertainty for me was some core belief work... examining the ones my brain accepted as true/factual and then reworking them into something more generally beneficial.

So far as the anxiety and controlling/over-analyzing behaviors... I had to commit to exposures and get out of my head and take some reasonable risks and actually endeavor to DO. Failure was not trying to me... all else was experimental and the attempts were for my longer term benefit/higher good.

With regard to how hard my life had actually been... I flipped the script and told myself that there is a possibility that I got my certificate of completion from the school of hard knocks over with early so I can have a calm/peaceful/generally satisfying old age. I refuted the fears and defensive living behaviors by affirming that my preference was to consider myself a graduate of adversity school and for me the cool thing about it is that it takes a considerable amount of time to be disproved. Only time will tell. It created a space with repetition and my brain stopped serving up so many of the past trauma bug-a-boos (eventually).

 

[The Albatross]

Life feels like such a roller coaster ride. Ups and down, and then abrupt turns and halts. No guarantees.

Reminds me of a segment of a Steve Martin movie... Parenthood. Where he is a tightly wound, fretful father/husband and there is some dialogue with his spouse and grandma interjects. That little interjection from "grandma" had some impact on me. Life is a rollercoaster... it is uncertain... true enough but how I choose to spend my life and the way I perceive it is up to me... I am/will not be at the mercy of my faulty/injured brain for a lifetime. How f'ing sad would that be? At some point, too... like Martin's spouse in the scene I had to decide and declare... "I happen to like the rollercoaster". Because for me, it didn't really have much to do with the highs and lows of happiness/joy or sadness... my PTSD brain is wired like that independent of that. So it was learn to love/like the rollercoaster and cut myself some slack or.... continue as before with stress/anxiety/depression/defensiveness/fear based thinking.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't think about it a whole lot, it gets overwhelming. Vague ideas about things I might like to do or how I might like my life to be, I can entertain. I don't have solid plans beyond the next few months. I used to, but somehow my mind just can't go there anymore.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Having PTSD is more about managing symptoms now and working hard on my healing and recovery.

In my real life, after so many rough years, I am amazed how I got through those experiences with symptoms raging within.

Now in my real life, I am hitting rock bottom and I am really battling the symptoms once again, but with some success at getting my mind in a better place.

I long for security, stability and safety. No guarantees in life.

But in the end I am the only one who can choose how I go through bad experiences now. I wish you the very best.

In so many ways I am doing so much better than I was at the beginning of therapy so many, many years ago.

I am grateful to the people here who supported me through some very rough times and still do support me.

 

[Powder]

@gizmo, me, too. I doubt I'd even be able to post this question had it not been for all these people here over the last few years' of support and new observations, information, and just "a place to be with PTSD" where people really do understand what it's like.

I'm sorry to hear that some are at a low point in the ride. Sometimes, I can feel that I just am holding onto a lot of turbulence, and a good cry would get some of it out and bleed off my emotional tank. This is usually followed by angering about what or who caused it, and then followed by a bit of peace about it, even though I feel this process firmly ties me to my past, something I have sought to avoid at all costs.

Dealing in the past makes me think about the future, and it causes me to tremble that more misery awaits and that I will break up if it does. Lack of ability to feel in control is fear inducing. I still try to control outcomes.

But I am learning to take chances and be prepared for whatever comes with acceptance. I hope this leads to something good, but so far, it's just like making more work for myself at the office. Feels like a lot of wheel spinning.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Shero, there is a better future for yourself if you love yourself. You've been abused and suffered a grievous wrong through the actions of others. We take it out on ourselves and yes, there are times when we can't process and everything is difficult. However, let you FEEL this and see if you can help yourself through this by therapy or just talking (which is what you're doing now).
Processing trauma is the biggest devastation we feel however, to stop the nightmares, the anger, and start forgiving those who had hurt me. Then I found out that my family is trying to find out about me through my friends and I'm PISSED!

 

[Go Hungry]

Meh... I don't really hold many expectations for life so much. At least I used not to. It's kinda weird. When I was a kid, at some point I just decided that life was simply absurd and that nothing I did mattered. So I didn't do much of anything except survive. Not that there's anything small about surviving. For some it's just a thing that happens, but for others its a massive achievement. I count myself in the latter category. Anyways...

I don't have big plans for the future, aside from one day going to St. Augustine and hopefully a cruise through the Caribbean. That's it. Nothing too massive, just those simple things. Now of course, there are all sorts of goals that I have to meet in order to pull those things off, but they are just steps.

But the weird thing I found was, by doing those steps, I've found myself getting more calm and collected.. and therefore opened up more potential for a better future, whatever that might be. I still don't really expect anything grandiose. I just want to work and play my games with friends, go on my trips and hopefully score every once in a while. Need a new car.. but.. whatever. It's like.. weird.

I meant this to be a positive post, but now it's got me feeling kind of down. Truth is, the more I think of my grim future, the less happy I am, and the more that interferes with my goals for the present. Screw expectations, screw hopes. I'll take action in the moment over dreams that may never come. I certainly didn't get any of the dreams that I had when I was young. Grrr..

:grumpy::grumpy::grumpy:


(p.s) Not giving up. Will keep my concentration. Kicking ass Today is more important than worrying about tomorrow.