Explaining Ptsd To My Wife

[WillyKat]

I have a book at home about PTSD. It's called the PTSD Source Book or some such by a guy named Schiraldi. (I recommend it by the way.)

I've asked my wife a few times to look at it so that she can understand. She won't. She wants me to just explain it to her. My response has been that it's difficult for me to talk about, it's written better than I can explain it, and so on.

We argued about this again yesterday. She's not supportive and doesn't know how to be. She says she is, but then I bring up the book and she says she's willing to know more but doesn't want to read. OK, so maybe we'll just see about that.

Seems straightforward to me, but to her...well, anyway. I was just thinking that maybe I'll call her bluff. Maybe I'll try to talk to her about it tonight or later this week. Maybe I'll wait until after my Thursday session with my therapist first.

See, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to hear anything about it at all. And it's a lot easier for her to avoid it all if I explain it to her. She can't interrupt a book, she can't derail the conversation, she cannot as easily dismiss it all. She can of course, claim it's all BS and put the book down, but she's already done that in a way by not picking it up. My prediction is that she'll interrupt, ask questions aimed at sending the discussion down some rabbit hole of irrelevance.

Am I wasting my time with this?

 

[Leah123]

Hello! So sorry you're not feeling supported by your wife. It can be SOOOOO hard tomake those we love understand our challenges, in my experience.

I wonder if she feels overwhelmed by the prospect of needing to read a whole book to understand you. I wonder if she's not quite sure how to handle her feelings. I wonder if she's having some issues of her own and feeling defensive. Seems like something is going on beyond her just not wanting to do 'homework.'

I wonder if trying an alternate method, like a compromise, might be helpful. One idea is to take an excerpt from the book, just a page or two that's really relevant to you, make a copy, and write in some of your experiences related to it. Use that to talk to her, so you have the language from the book you like, but you also have concrete examples to make it more relevant to her.

Another idea is to ask her to see your therapist with you for a session, and for you and the therapist to brainstorm about how to get you and your wife closer to the same page in a way that's comfortable for both of you.

A third idea is to try the assertiveness model of communication with her, if you haven't yet. It goes like this (and I'm not great at it, lol, but it's from my therapist, who is):

1. Acknowledge your partner's feelings (The basic emotions are sad, angry, happy, scared)
2. Tell your partner how you feel
3. Ask for what you want with no expectation that you will get it

Sometimes, the soft approach works for me, rather than the strong one that I tend to favor. For example... how do you think it might go if you said to her....

"Honey, I know you might feel angry at me for asking you to spend a lot of time reading this book, or worried that I have such a serious condition. I feel scared that you will reject me because of it. I know it is asking a lot, but would you please look at the book with me, so we can maybe talk it over a little bit. I love you so much, and hope you will spend time on this for me."

Not just like that, but of course, in your own words, with your own feelings.

I wish you the best of luck. There's NOTHING worse for me, than fearing my husband won't understand me, or won't want to accept me.

 

[WillyKat]

I've told her that all she needs to do is read the first chapter, or even a few pages...anything.

You are absolutely right that she has issues herself. I would not be surprised if she has PTSD herself, or something in that ballpark. From a lay person's perspective, she has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: constantly cleaning, organizing. But she also has reactions to things that everyone on this forum would recognize as a startle response, a trigger, etc.

And thanks for the recommendation about her seeing my therapist. I'll suggest that to mine and see what she thinks.

And thanks too for the "no expectation that I will get it". Believe me, I don't.

 

[franciemarnie]

I have to say I think it's wonderful you put yourself in her shoes and are compassionate. I am not as evolved insofar as I would be angry if my husband wouldn't read about what had disrupted my life so completely. Like you say, she might have issues.

I think the way you are handling it is amazing. Leah has great ideas too.

 

[Abstract]

Leah has many helpful ideas.

We obviously don't know her and if you really feel - with your rational as well as emotional mind - that she will not be able to hear you then I think seeing a therapist with her is probably the best place to start.

I also like the idea of taking one excerpt from the book and speaking about it. You could test the water and gauge her responsiveness this way too. What I would do is write a paragraph or two down in your own words about it too before hand and hand that to her after your chat.

Is she a big reader generally? Does she have any issues that would interfere with her being able to concentrate and read a book; such as depression?

Seems straightforward to me, but to her...

One thing I will say though is that I think it can be easy to understand something when we experience it and it can be very difficult to understand if someone isn't on the "inside".

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm not in a relationship, and don't have anyone 'supporting' me through PTSD. However, I am aware that this book comes highly recommended to supporters of PTSD. [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/book-reviews/the-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-relationship.3/[/DLMURL]

Perhaps you could try this as a starting point again. Don't give up. Keep trying to explain the best you can.

 

[safenow]

I know my comments won't help, but just felt the need to say these things anyway. Sorry if it seems trite.

I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to even be with someone any longer. I had to step away from those who I was married to. I have no idea how to interact with people. Sigh. I'm glad you are not as distant as I am from other humans.

You seem like a very caring, sensitive person. I also think that idea of taking an excerpt from the book is an excellent one. Pick a good one that seems to really jump out at you, then add your own thoughts on it.

I do wish you the best of luck.

safenow

 

[saffy]

HI Willykat

I understand your frustrations. Maybe she is afraid of what she might read.

Something that might be easier is to print of a summary criteria for her to look at and reassure her that there is nothing in there to be worried about but it will help if she understood what it meant to have PTSD and what PTSD is.

It might help if the first injection of facts was easy, sometimes the thought of reading a book about things is very daunting.

There is a good short article on the PTSD criteria on here that you might be able to print out for her.

This way if she needs anything explained then you get the chance of explaining some of the feelings and emotions you get. This might lead onto you both talking about how you can help each other.

PTSD is a massive thing to understand and sometimes even we cannot. :)

Baby steps. Best of luck.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[amethist]

this book comes highly recommended to supporters of PTSD.

this book is very easy for supporters to understand, and I would recommend it to be read by supporters just starting out on this journey.