Exploded into self harm last night

[Brokensoul88]

I'm feeling very ashamed of myself right now, last night I plucked up the courage to advertise for someone to take away my old oven (yes this sounds random, stay with me). It meant that a man would most likely come to collect it meaning I would be allowing a man into my home whilst on my own. It was a man, he was overly familiar, having seen the pictures of kids (my nieces & nephews) as he walked in started saying "where are the kids, how many rooms do you have how many live here?" I suddenly panicked & thought "oh god if he finds out I live alone anything could happen." So I said "oh kids have popped out yeh three of us live here" which obviously exposed the lie straight away. He didn't seem to notice though thankfully, I tried to get him out as fast as possible & helped him get it in the car. He suddenly said "oh thank you" and hugged me!!! Who does that to a total stranger???? I practically ran back in the house & locked the door, checking all the windows & doors. I couldn't breathe & then there it was - body memories of the man who attacked me. I could feel his hands all over me & I lost it, I had a bath to try & distract myself but it did nothing, I couldn't stop the feelings so all I could think of was to start cutting (something I haven't done in a long time) and it helped for a while.....now I'm feeling disappointed in myself. I drank half a bottle of disarono last night to numb things. I promised my T I would take care of myself as in our last session I finally allowed her to read my account of what happened to me. In truth she showed the emotion I wish I could show, she cried and I felt so guilty for making her feel that but envious that she could. I have forced myself out today & walked around the shops torn between the want to go home away from people and the reluctance to return to an empty house to be alone with my thoughts. I am trying to resist the urge to cut again as I know the relief is fleeting and makes me feel worse.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Cutting is not the answer, but that is your call to make. I've had to make it many times in my life, even recently. Look, instead, at the trigger and care for yourself in response to the trigger. Call your T and talk things out. One answer might be to have a friend and his/her children to come be with you when the man is supposed to pick up the oven. I mean, he does still have your address, but perhaps they can provide real-time companionship to get you through the ordeal then then the adult(s) can give you a good read on the man so that your worries will be eased somewhat. I don't want to sound like Pollyanna as I'd be freaking out too. Here, we have Craigs List and meeting someone on your own turf is a "no no" for this reason, but it's not like you could have moved the oven yourself. So, we find ourselves in these situations and the best we can do is to protect ourselves the best we can.

All that being said, please take care of yourself and reach out for help on this one. I think it would comfort you on many levels.

Take good care and be safe. VB

 

[I'm not Spiderman]

I really hope you are feeling ok. I've never cut but I know what it feels like when you're teetering on the edge of falling. It is worrying and upsetting. But listen, you've openly talked about your fears, your current situation with yourself, addressed that there's a problem, and that you don't want to feel like this. That is so amazing and your awareness is great- please hold onto that.
You said you finally opened up to your T about what happened. My T says for a lot of people this is the time when you feel at your most vulnerable (was the case for me too) It is SO totally OK to feel less than fantastic at this time. But that step is such a huge amount of progress. Do not be so hard on yourself! Really hope you start to feel better soon.

 

[Nikie]

You did great !!!! And I mean great..!!!! You handled the guy very profesional .. You can tap yourself on the shoulder for that..
He did have an bad impact in you.. But you were aware if that. Some how you could feel this guy means harm. And you did manage to protect yourself by being open minded. He didn't know so it was good. You were lucky ..
Like... " I'm not spidarman" sad be aware of him don't be paranoid just be aware ...
Now stop feeling ashamed cosnof self harm. .. .and I say this with a lot of love and compassion .:hug:.. this happened .... its done ... Why look back and punish yourself more about it. If those feelings come back talk to somebody. You have nothing to feel ashemed of. And you have the power to get help soon enough .. Jus DONT BE AFRAID!!!!
(((((I might say next time ask a next door neighbour to just be with you.. :tup: Just a suggestion..))))
Try to talk to somebody before the selfharm feeling come over you.. Don't be ashamed of it I bet ya the T will be more than willing to be with you till you feel better.
Try something.. Next time write down how you feel pick a little face for your feeling give the face a name then ask yourself why do you feel that try and give as mush detail as posable .. Keep doing it till your mind is away from selfharm ..
Remeber you can beat this thing !!!

 

[Casey_03]

I see no reason for you to feel ashamed. You clearly realize that cutting is bad, so I'm not going to bother telling you about that. This is part of the process, people don't just heal right away and then never have relapses. Don't beat yourself up over this -- you were a hell of a lot stronger in this situation than i have been in similar situations. The fact that you forced yourself out today to walk around says a lot -- that you are a fighter and you genuinely want to recover. I remember so many times in that same situation that i didn't have the will to force myself out. you should be proud that you have a will that strong. as for the cutting, it's harmful and needs to stop, but when it comes to body memories and flashbacks, it probably seems like the lesser of two evils, so I get that. you will eventually get to the point where you won't have to resort to cutting, but until then, just don't beat yourself up over being human and having emotions. at the end of the day, the mental beating you give yourself and the profound sense of shame you shower on yourself -- that is just as harmful, if not more than the cutting. be proud that you are trying, not ashamed.

 

[Brokensoul88]

I feel overwhelmed at the response I have had to this post, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your kindness

 

[VioletButterfly]

Soak it in. There's a lot of genuine compassion and support all around you out here. VB