Exposure Therapy - Am I Doing This Right?

[Sideways]

So I'm working on changing some of the slightly warped beliefs that were brainwashed into me by my abuser using an exposure therapy technique: each day I stick another post-it note up in my apartment somewhere obvious that says "I was born innocent". I've got 6 up so far (and it's a pretty small space).

The idea is to start with the most basic beliefs and gradually get more complex, so I'm sticking with "I was born innocent" till I'm reasonably comfortable with that statement. I initially tried "I'm free to like myself", but that nearly blew my head off, so I went more basic.

I cant bring myself to put another one up every day, but I am managing to do it most days. And I get that therapy isn't meant to be fun, and that changing core beliefs is a tough nut to crack.

But every time I see one of these notes, which is constantly, it's like a direct hit to my self-loathing button and I'm carrying around this urgent need to self-harm that's so intense it gave me a tension headache yesterday. Kind of expected that response.

But on top of that, every single one of these notes feels like a betrayal. Every time I see one of them, I feel like collapsing onto my knees and begging for my abuser to forgive me (which would be hard - he lives a few thousand kms away). I'm sick with this feeling of betrayal, like I'm ungrateful for what he did for me. That feeds back into the self-loathing and it's just like this awful circuit in my head, seeing these notes and feeling like an ungrateful traitor and urgently needing to self-harm...

Am I doing this right? Is this how my head is supposed to be reacting? Because it feels like we're starting to enter some dangerous territory - it's fairly critical that I don't start self-harming again, and I can't stop thinking how ungrateful this must make me seem...

 

[mary1979]

Ohh brave move.

I like it, hope you break through the denial and shame part soon and begin to acknowledge your statements!

It sure does get worse before you start to heal doesn't it? Like your mind is resistant to the change.
We are odd things us humans, hanging on for dear life to things we know are bad for us just because they are familiar.

Hugs and positive thoughts being sent your way xxx

 

[ghotiff]

I read once that positive affirmations can have a negative effect if they are too contradictory to your core belief.

Eg a person with a huge weight issue affirms that "I am skinny". What happens is the brain and subconscious, when it hears that affirmation, contradicts it and argues why it's not true. Thus the negative is actually reinforced more than the positive.

The solution to this is to use affirmations that you partly believe, but want to believe more fully. Eg I am looking forward to being skinny.

For your example would "all children are born innocent" be more easily accepted for youbrught now.

 

[Sideways]

@ghotiff - that's the part that doesn't make sense. I can happily and confidently state that "absolutely all children are born innocent". No problem with that at all. Stating the obvious even (at least part of my head is still normal!).

That's why I figured "I was born innocent" was a good place to start. I know (fact) that I'm not free to like myself, which is why I abandoned that one - this new statement is meant to be even more basic. But the next step, like you said, is too basic...wtf!?!

 

[anthony]

Am I doing this right? Is this how my head is supposed to be reacting?

Yes and yes. Changing core beliefs is not going to be easy, and it won't happen quickly. The first initial ones will be your true test of will towards continuing forward and basically toughing out the symptoms.

Because it feels like we're starting to enter some dangerous territory - it's fairly critical that I don't start self-harming again, and I can't stop thinking how ungrateful this must make me seem...

Therapy is typically seen as a positive, yet all therapy creates negatives, being symptoms. Well... when done right, you should walk away feeling good, then near collapse, if not walk away pretty symptomatic outright. That is when you know therapy technique is pushing the right buttons in your head.

Cutting is your distraction to feel something... but instead of cutting, what are you feeling?

But on top of that, every single one of these notes feels like a betrayal.

You don't have to keep putting one up every day... but instead add to them until you have a comfortable level of places covered so that you see the note each day. If you're flooding yourself, then remove one or two and see how that goes. The technique is still right, it is merely the exposure level that you have to refine, especially starting out.

It is not uncommon that people get too excited with exposure exercises and they overdo them initially. It is a progressive curve for exposure, not an in your face, all out assault on your brain. That will fail every time. It must be slow, progressive and be allowed to challenge the right aspects of your thinking in a way that does not totally consume you ongoing, but instead smacks you around the face here and there to look deeper at the logic.

Every time I see one of them, I feel like collapsing onto my knees and begging for my abuser to forgive me.

Soooo.... based on this logic alone, do you think its working?

I'm sick with this feeling of betrayal, like I'm ungrateful for what he did for me.

Are you still grateful for his abuse?

Here is one simple thing for you to think about. If such a notice surrounds and reminds you consistently through the day to provoke some of the above thoughts, do you see your current thoughts as positive or negative, meaning are you good as is, or do you need to change specific beliefs because you know they're the wrong beliefs?

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm a compulsive shopper and that is one of the things that my abuser did, was to spend MY MY MY money, so I put up notes around the house saying DON'T OVERSPEND and I also have a budy here on this Forum that I write back and forth regularly about this subject. We pray for one another as well. So far, it is working quite well for both of us, and we are doing a 30 day challenge not to buy anything online at all, because that is our worst bad shopping habit.

I have loads of medical bills right now, from a recent hospitalization I had for 8 days. So it is vital that I don't overspend!

So, yes, putting up post-it notes all over the place does help. These other things and people and God I mentioned help too.

 

[anthony]

I also have a budy here on this Forum that I write back and forth regularly about this subject.

And that is a very good point.

People underestimate the power of having a resource like this here, 24/7. You're not annoying anyone by coming here and writing, or asking others questions, as that is what the resource is for. People can get pissy with phone support and such, because you can really overdo it and become a nuisance in another's life if your needs are... well... needy at a given time. Here... 24/7 space to write and get feedback when people have the time to respond.

When you want to cut, this is where you should be, writing about it, talking about what is in your head, getting it out of your head and thus not actioning the inclination.

 

[Sideways]

Thank you. Sounds like I'm doing it pretty much how it's supposed to go.

The feeling of betrayal thing is messing with me because, ugh, 20 years later and all my common sense and that's how I feel? That's messed up. I can see that's messed up. It's all pretty awful. And sad.

@anthony - knowing that I don't have to absolutely flood my apartment is a huge relief. I can probably push it a little further, but I don't want to start on the self-harm (that's the bdsm stuff I get into) again because that's a really nasty hole to dig out of.

Keep going Ragdoll. This one might actually be working:)

 

[Sideways]

ETA "Am I still grateful for the abuse?"

I know for sure that I'm not grateful for what it's done to my life. And I know that I'm not grateful for how it's made me feel about myself - 7 years ago when I first walked into my first shrink's office, I told him that the only thing I wanted was to not hate myself as much as I do. That hasn't changed.

But am I still grateful to my abuser..?

I feel quite ill just thinking this, but yes, I am. He's the nicest man I've ever known. He was more of a father to me in the space of 1 year than my dad had been my whole life. When I wasn't in a lesson, he openly heaped me with affection. And one of my (unhelpful) beliefs is that he went to great lengths to try and help me. I'm grateful for all of that. I hate it. But I'm grateful for it anyway.

That's gonna have to feature in a post-it note some time in the future I think:(

 

[anthony]

I feel quite ill just thinking this, but yes, I am. He's the nicest man I've ever known.

If he is such a nice man, then why do you feel ill?

Do you think he can be a nice man and abuse you, as a child, at the same time? Do you believe they coexist? Or, was he grooming you to accept the abuse more readily which is him trying to protect himself from you screaming abuse?

 

[Sideways]

I know that I believe that good people can do bad things. My dad is a good person, but sexually abusing me as a child was a bad thing.

As for this guy... My intellectual mind and what I believe are completely at odds. My intellectual mind understands that he was a psychopath, that he didn't actually care about me (or any of the other girls he abused), and the way he treated me was all grooming. It was all stuff to mess with my head. He wanted me to believe he was helping me, and he devoted a lot of time and energy (both in my special lessons and in public) persuading me that he thought I was special and he was helping me with a special gift that I had.

But I still don't actually believe that. I think I've got too much invested in believing that he was s good man and he was trying to help me and, above all, he really did believe I was special.

If I stop believing that, the devastation would be immense. Potentially catastrophic for me. I don't think I could cole with that (yet). That would mean not only am I not special, but no man has ever genuinely cared for me, and my life, every last awful minute of it, was caused by me being not much more than another one of his science experiments (priest & scientist- go figure).

I have to be more than just a science experiment. All this devastation in my life has to have been caused by more than just some uncaring man experimenting with my brain.

 

[anthony]

I think I've got too much invested in believing that he was s good man and he was trying to help me

Forget the intellectual vs belief aspect for a minute. Do you FEEL helped or hindered today, now, by your abuser?

That question is simpler than you think. Usually the first thought is the correct thought.

If I stop believing that, the devastation would be immense.

How do you know that? That is a negative thinking style, futuristic thinking, because you don't know the answer to that at all until you choose to accept the reality of the situation versus your skewed belief system which your abuser has forced upon you to protect themselves only.

That would mean not only am I not special, but no man has ever genuinely cared for me

Do you need a mans approval to survive, to live? You're a lawyer, you've stated... did you need a male to get that qualification? To pass those tests? To practice law? Did you do that, or someone else?

I have to be more than just a science experiment.

You weren't a science experiment, you're a victim of abuse. That is the truth. Nothing more, nothing less. It is however up to you when you accept the truth and begin to purge the irrational beliefs you have been instilled with by your abusers, again, not for your benefit, but they do that for their benefit. To protect themselves by hoping you believe what they tell you, which allows them to go unnoticed with their abuse. They don't have to worry about their abusers reporting them to the police, is what its all about.

Nothing they did was about you, it was all about them. Their protection with the irrational beliefs from grooming, their pleasure by abusing you.

Again, none of it was you, it was all them. It was all about them, and them alone. Abusers are literally selfish people. They don't care about their abuser, they just care about not being caught whilst feeling their pleasure from abusing kids.