Falling Again

[TK.]

I'm new to the website/forums and still a bit unsure of how this all works but I need to get this out of my head.. I've been struggling with a major depressive episode for over a year now (precipitated by some major triggers related to childhood sexual abuse and family neglect, and a huge personal loss) and finally a month or so ago, when my medications were changed yet again I started to feel a bit more like myself. Less muted and weighed down. But it's all crashing back in again. I feel it descending and it is scaring me because I recognize it this time.

Last week there was a horrific accident in my neighborhood when a car crashed into my neighbors home (thankfully our neighbors were not home!) and both people in the car died. My husband and I were some of the first on the scene and the experienced proved to be pretty traumatic for both of us. I've been numb and detached since then, experiencing pretty standard things for having witnessed something like that. But today it's like the bottom fell out. Some of it, I think, triggered by my husband's behavior last night when he came home from a Halloween party inebriated (more so than he would admit). I don't know how to talk to my husband about how much I dislike how he is when he drinks (which isn't often), but it doesn't feel like that's really what is bothering me today. It's more than that, I just don't know what. All my walls have gone up, my feelings of detachment and numbness have amplified tenfold, and all I want to do is return to cutting (the coping skill I've used for the past 15 years and am trying to work on in therapy). I'm frustrated by how I am feeling and what I am craving. I'm upset over what seems like minor, stupid things. I am detached from myself. I'm entirely unmotivated to do the things I need to do but still have an acute awareness of approaching deadlines. I can't focus. I just want to sleep and not "be" for a while. Not have to deal with what is going on inside me because it is confusing and it hurts. I'm terrified this is the beginning of a backslide. In a matter of days I feel like I've returned to almost the same point I was at last year before being admitted to an outpatient program at the local psych hospital..

 

[Jnean]

I know how it feels to think it's minor or stupid to be upset over but it's not. I feel like I've programmed myself to minimize my own trauma or pain as a defense, putting the wall up too has been a defense mechanism for me. It's scary, my advice is if you did it once, you can do it again even if it doesn't feel like it's possible. Also maybe talk to your husband about your triggers, maybe he will understand about coming home drunk. I have a hard time with that too because I grew up with an alcoholic abusive father so maybe you don't feel safe. I'm sorry.

 

[TK.]

I have done the same thing.. Detaching and going numb has been my primary line of defense since I can remember. And then self-injury became my way of coping when I felt too much and didn't go numb or when I was desperate to feel something to know I was still alive at all. Such a damn vicious cycle. All day I've been trying to sort out what it is about my husband's behavior that is the trigger so I can articulate it clearly for him.. it's there, I know it, but I'm fuzzy on how to say it in a way that he'll understand. That has been an issue for us - me not being able to articulate things related to my PTSD/depression in a way that he can understand and him not tuning in/listening well - so we've been seeing a couple's therapist to help us navigate that aspect of our relationship. It's so frustrating to feel something so intensely but feel like I can't explain it to my husband.

And thank you. It helps knowing I am not alone in feeling some of these things

 

[Jnean]

It's too bad you couldn't just explain that to him, just what you explained to me and have him just be understanding that you can't pin point it, you know. Not that your asking him to change, just that you felt uneasy about something. But it might b easier to talk about with your T around if he's feeling as though these things you need to talk about could mean he is the trigger. That's so difficult when that happens. You feel unheard, but there's nothing wrong with you, very sorry.

 

[TK.]

Feeling unheard has definitely been an issue in our marriage in relation to this stuff. My husband is very logical and needs things explicitly spelled out or he doesn't get it. It's just how he's wired, which is more than fine, it just becomes complicated when I am feeling like this, especially because I'm more on the intuitive side and can't always articulate what I "know" or feel. I think I may have to wait until our appointment on Thursday to bring up some of this. I just hate the thought of this hanging until then.

 

[Jnean]

so sorry!

 

[Chava]

I'm terrified this is the beginning of a backslide. In a matter of days I feel like I've returned to almost the same point I was at last year before being admitted to an outpatient program at the local psych hospital..

I know it's scary because I've felt overwhelmed and also like I was spinning out of control and would end up self-destructing or back in the hospital. But I'm in therapy too and also noticing I have more awareness. That's what seems to help me and hopefully it can help you some too, even if it's super hard right now. So even if the feelings are just as bad and scary, you have some awareness and can also hopefully make some choices (that part is often hard for me...but even one thing to take down the stress level, or increase the "good" feelings like peace or humor, etc...sometimes just taking a walk is a huge self-care move that keeps me above water for another day).

I used to cut and burn my arms and legs a lot. Now sometimes I need to squeeze where I want to injure. I have self-injured in the past month, though I was quite drunk...otherwise I feel like I can mostly manage without it, though I relate to the urges. I got pretty creative in working around them by not so much numbing out, but wrapping my arm with compression tape, shutting myself in the smallest and most quiet room in the house for a while, hugging a stuffed animal (didn't even know how to self-comfort like this until I started therapy)...stuff like this. It's really scary to have the overwhelmed feelings.

Hang in there, keep posting, take care of yourself however you can. I do feel a sense of control through doing good things (like eating vegetables, anything that is "good" for me)...and that's different and new for me, but helps me remember I'm not spinning out of control, but can usually take care of myself even when it feels like I'm losing it. And when I really am losing it, I call for more help.