Fear: Accept It Or Fight It?

[watundah]

Specifically, I have a fear of intimacy.
T said I may need to learn to live with the fear. I spend time trying (or dwelling on the idea) to banish it. I have been scanning articles from both sides -learn to live with fear and how to get rid of it. I've overcome many things that no longer scare me and understand if you embrace something, sometimes it loses power over you. Intimacy, well, it's my final frontier. I'd like to see if and how others "accept" fear as a way of progress.

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

There are two ways you can go about this. Fear it and never have intimacy or face it head on. I also have a fear of intimacy. Why don't we try to face it together. Did something happen to trigger your fear?

 

[watundah]

It is a decades old pattern from neglect and abuse. I am not comfortable with close connection. I have " good" friends but I am mostly a listener and keep them at arms length. Vulnerability is too risky.

So face it head on means baring my soul and setting myself up for hurt? That's too difficult right now. I was mocked and my feelings disregarded, ignored or minimalized as a child so I keep them locked deeply so only I access them. I am very sensitive but I hate for people to know that. Sometimes I test people regarding their trustworthiness and throw out a little tidbit to see how it's treated. That is a slow, helpful, but limited way that works for me. It's so damn complex because the walls are thick and high.

What do you practice to deal with this fear?

 

[WillyKat]

I feel like I shouldn't respond because I suck at this myself. But...I think its better to accept fear; I'm not sure face is the most helpful term. By accepting fear, you give it legitimacy. It's a normal reaction to your story, what you've been through. The fear is part of you, and by accepting it as a legitimate part of you, you defuse the intensity level and give yourself a little love.

Also, don't try to think that this all goes away in a day. This is a process, probably a long one. If you're like me, this fear is deep seated and may take a long time and a lot of work to accept. Think in terms of small, attainable goals.

 

[watundah]

Yes I am glad you wrote. That is sage advice that is worthy of pasting on my refrigerator, dashboard, mirror and forehead.

Probably my T said "accept". Acceptance is tough because it is akin to welcoming which seems counterintuitive. Im going to spend some serious time chewing on this. Thank you again.

 

[WillyKat]

That acceptance thing applies to anger too, because its based on fear often.

Think of acceptance as hugging your hurt self (inner child, younger self), putting your arm around him/her and saying that its ok to be scared, hurt, and fearful. All those things are normal reactions.

 

[Gadgie]

I'm going through a different kind of fear just now, I waiting to go into hospital for a biopsy to see if I have cancer?

It's different to the fear I went through, when the chopper we were in, almost crashed as it tried to land on the rig, during a severe storm.

You could almost smell the fear of all 29 of us, including the captain who struggled to hold it all together while landing it.

I could see all that as I was sat in the first row behind, to the left of him, that was a scary experience.

 

[Friday]

I have a rule: I do everything that scares me... Eventually.

Also another one: Fear is useful. It lets us know there's a risk.

There's no need to be stupid with fear. If climbing up on my roof scares me? No one ever said I couldn't rig a dang safety harness! If sharing things with friends scares you? Why not share things with people you could give a rip about losing, first? Get in the practice, the habit, find your new boundaries... Where f*cking up? Doesn't matter.

((Fair warning, there is a good reason why this is risky long term: I've done this, and while it weeds people out right quick that I wouldn't want to have in my life long term, anyway, it can also mean I end up "better" friends with people I've known for a short time, than people I've known for years. That creates it's own set of problems... But they're manageable. It's very akin to the martial arts problem; any training is better than none but at a certain point, too much training makes you a lousy fighter in real life. That's a manageable problem once you're good enough for it to be a problem. And a helluva lot more manageable than being in a fight with no training at all.))

 

[Tinyflame]

which seems counterintuitive. .

@watundah how do you define 'counterintuitive'? I looked up a definition & they used the analogy a green light means stop & a red light means go? I wonder if they mean as regards what is learned, or sensed (gut?), or feared, or what? (Thank you in advance for your input btw.)

@Gadgie good luck with the test results. Try not to worry. :hug:

 

[watundah]

@Gadgie: Best to you. Your fear is just as health issues can be so scary! Also, I have had a near death experience and understand how the impact can linger.

@Friday - I get what you're saying. While it's connection that I fear in allowing myself to."attach, I could probably blather to a stranger on a bus and not care because it's not genuine. Im also rather introverted so simply talking about myself can be a challenge.

@Junebug - what I mean is that it is our intuition to run from or block what scares us while embracing it seems counterintuitive - quite the opposite of a reflex reaction. Hope that makes sense

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes thank you @watundah it does make sense actually (not that you're not clear but my head is so jumbled. :confused: :rolleyes: ). I did that today, figured forget 'thinking'/ trying to understand & instead go by what's counter-intuitive to what I'd be inclined to 'do'. (By 'do' I mean feel pressured to avoid, remove, fear, or otherwise get away from or give up on entirely, or remove myself).

Thanks @watundah I only ask because coincidentally something occurred to me with that very word, and in trying to make sense of the word & it I've come to the conclusion I don't even in all honesty understand what it means. I think with ptsd (or it's just 'me') so many small things 'regular' people take for granted or understand I am just so hopelessly lacking. Even my intuition I doubt or wonder if I can rely on, or even recognize if I have, let alone be 'counter-intuitive'. It's like trying to put together a puzzle in the dark. OMG. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

ETA, I should add though, it came to me for the most part I am quite intuitive when it comes to reading the needs or feelings or somewhat desires/ thoughts of other people.. However, I am not so as regards myself, or knowing what to do for myself.

But @watundah , as per your title fear = False Evidence Appearing Real.

:hug: