Dom Violence Fear but feel like people think it's irrational

[BLA]

So I have never been hit. Maybe pushed but no not hit. I have been raged over. Told by one ex that he wanted to hit me and most recently he was going to kill me. Threatened with cops, cps and courts repeatedly by multiple exes. Watched on ex cut up his arms. Another threw things around and ripped our kids teddy bear in a rage. And another well was so full of rage that he stood over me threateningly, yelling and pointing his finger in my face. I think back and wonder if I stayed if he would have eventually began to hit me. This is the one who said he wanted to and threatened killing me. At one point a couple of years ago I was so terrified after receiving harassing phone calls from an ex and his wife that I was locking my front door and then locking myself in my room. It's not that they said anything specifix but their anger was so over done that I feared how far they would go.
So yeah I have never been hit but these people have terrorized me and still terrify me. I sometimes wish they would have hit me because the scars I have now no one can see. So how do I justify my fear if nobody can see them? The other day I tried to explain to my son's therapist asked me to do a family session with his father. I became a stuttering mess. How do I explain? That after 9 years passing since I have left him that his anger at me is still so fresh that he scares me. How do I explain that being around him creeps me out because how obsesed do you have to be to think you recognized a woman's bras despite not having been together 8 years already? I don't know how to explain. And I hate that it makes me feel like a terrible mom for feeling like I need to protect myself.
I wish my scars were visible so that people would help me protect myself and my kids. Since they are invisible it assumed to be my problem that I am so scared of these people that even getting a sense they are starting to get angry gets me on alert and shaking.

 

[EveHarrington]

"A joint session with my sons father is not an option as he was abusive toward me".

 

[BLA]

"A joint session with my sons father is not an option as he was abusive toward me".

I don't know why I struggle saying something like this but I do. Especially if someone says something to me that makes me feel like I am the problem. Like the therapist said something about putting aside my feelings. In my head I am thinking "but, but he did this to me" but I just can't get it out.

 

[Justmehere]

Threatening to hit someone is a crime in the US - why? Scares the sh*t out of people.

You *feel* like people think it's irrational. Is that what you think they think or do they actually say such fear is irrational?

 

[BLA]

Threatening to hit someone is a crime in the US - why? Scares the sh*t out of people.

You *feel* li...

They don't say it is but the things they say make me feel like that is what they think. Like the therapist saying I needed to put aside my feelings. Then there was this lady at Victim Services for our police department said I needed to put aside my "distaste" of him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so scared of these people that even getting a sense they are starting to get angry gets me on alert and shaking.

When one is so exposed to such angry people, it does leave a mark behind, maybe invisible but the aftermath is a doozy to face and deal with. People who get angry at me scare me too.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

What does your therapist say in all of this? I had to attend a work meeting that terrified me and my therapist dedicated a few sessions towards this meeting, doing emdr on the meeting was probably the most helpful thing. Is your x abusing your children? Possibly, the child's therapist is wanting to view these dynamics and how they affect the child? Regardless, I feel you need to have an advocate with you when attend the meeting.

 

[BLA]

What does your therapist say in all of this? I had to attend a work meeting that terrified me and my th...

I am still looking for help for myself. I just really only recently been admitting to myself how badly I feel. My ex hasn't physically abused our son but he has no problem saying things to him that he shouldn't. Two weeks ago my son came home angry at me over a debit card that he can't possibly have any physical memory. He was a baby when this incident occurred and well I remember feeling like this was going to bite me in butt when it happened. Didn't think it would take nine years. He talks to our son about not liking my family members and how he is still mad at me for leaving. I asked my son recently if he thought that if he stayed with hos Dad more that Dad would be less mad. He said yes.
I definitely don't think I can do the session without some serious prep work and this is a short term program he is in. I actually need to find him a new therapist for when he gets out because his last one moved.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I am still looking for help for myself. I just really only recently been admitting to myself how badly I fe...

Tough times here. I hope you can find someone for you asap. I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[Justmehere]

Like the therapist saying I needed to put aside my feelings. Then there was this lady at Victim Services for our police department said I needed to put aside my "distaste" of him.

What was the context of this being said?

 

[BLA]

What was the context of this being said?

I was trying to explain how I am afraid of him picking up our kid intoxicated and how he has threatened me in the past which makes me scared around him. He has this face that triggers a lot of anxiety for me. It's scary because I know that face means he is pissed. The last time I got in a vehicle with him I was so terrified the whole time because he was getting angry and he would speed up and slam on the breaks really close to the cars in front of him. I said never again would I make that mistake. He also says some crazy stuff when he is angry like he saw in my daughter's eyes the potential to do harm. Or his roommate can see the psycho in people and he can tell I am psycho.

 

[Justmehere]

A "lady for victim services" talking about putting aside feelings - this *might* make sense in the context of legal matters.... The police are not really well trained to be sensitive to feelings. They want facts. Not opinions. Not feelings.

But a therapist who suggests just putting aside feelings seems really unhelpful. As if it was that easy! Feelings are not facts, but they do have value. Therapy with a good trauma therapist can help you learn how to handle the fear and respond, not react, effectively, or at least more effectively, in these reasonably difficult and scary interactions with your ex.

If he's picking up your child while intoxicated, and it's in a public place... I'd tape it... that would really spook me too. :(