Dom Violence Fear but feel like people think it's irrational

[BLA]

A "lady for victim services" talking about putting aside feelings - this *might* make sense in the c...

Sometimes I can't tell if he is until he slurs his words. He doesn't stumble like others. He also mood swings but that would require being around him for an extended period. Trying to remember other things but quite honestly by the time I left him he was spending over 100 on beer a week for just himself so I can't remember what other things can tip me off. Yesterday when my son called me from there I heard him in the background and the way he said messages put me on alert. The thing is if his pattern of drinking is like it was when I left then he is pretty much drinking around the clock except for two hours before work and during work. He isn't supposed to drink at all before or during visits. I know he is but I need proof to enforce the order. Not sure how to get it though. And it scares me because my son sees him like superhero at times so he might not reach out if Dad starts acting funny or tries to drive with him.
Friday when he picked him up I tried to focus on his voice but I couldn't tell. Maybe next time I will film or record so I can play it back.
My son told me recently that Dad only drinks outside while he is there as if that somehow makes it okay. I have actually been debating on contacting his roommates from before he moved a month ago to ask about his drinking.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

next time I will film or record so I can play it back.

This seems to be a really good idea. Good luck.

 

[Justmehere]

Actually, I amend my suggestion since you are looking for evidence to use against him to get enforcement of the legal order - check to see the laws in your state about recording someone else with and without their permission, especially since this is already a legal battle. The laws change state to state. Some states, there would be no issues as long as he is talking to you, in a public place, etc - while other states, you could get in serious trouble for taping him and trying to use that in court. Many family law attorneys will offer a give a free consult where you can ask if/how to tape him and what can and can not be used against him without you getting in trouble.

 

[Suzetig]

I definitely don't think I can do the session without some serious prep work and this is a short term program he is in.

Don't do the session. Tell the therapist that you were abused in your relationship and aren't prepared to undertake family therapy. Family therapy isn't as a general rule advisable where there has been domestic abuse, your sons therapist should know this.

Where a split has been acrimonious yes one parent (or both) may need to set their feelings aside for the good of their child but that isn't what you're describing here. Your ex will simply see the family session as another opportunity to abuse you and you have the right to keep yourself safe. It's a short term programme, the therapist may well be working to a standard plan which includes a parents session. Just say no.

Do make finding a therapist of your own a priority - they'll be able to help you assert yourself in this situation.

 

[BLA]

Don't do the session. Tell the therapist that you were abused in your relationship and aren't prepared...

I struggle with even saying this is domestic abuse. I don't know hy but I worry that if I say that this person has abused me I am going to look like the bad person. And if it looks like I won't work with this guy I will lose my son. I want to do what's right for my son but I am so confused on what that is when I have people telling me I need to put aside my feelings or even telling me I can't protect my kid all the time. Oh I have also had an attorney suggest at some point I would take phone calls from someone who has verbally abused me by phone. Nope not going to happen but it does make it seem so murky on what I am allowed to do and what I am not.
I am not going to do it. I would like to see my son have sessions with his Dad without me but I can't say I believe those would be productive. Last night my son was talking about Dad's anger and I asked him if he feels guilty that Dad's anger makes him scared or uncomfortable. He said yes. I tried to explain to him that he has nothing to feel guilty about. That that is his conscious telling him something is not right for him. That love doesn't mean you have to just accept things that are not right for you. That Dad is responsible for his own feelings and what he does. To be perfectly honest if I felt I would be listened to and had a choice I would go to supervised visitation until his Dad can prove he is sober and that he has dealt with his anger and is stable but I worry that I will not be able to make my voice heard.

Thank you though. I don't know how to explain that this is not a simple case of two parents who are still angry over what happened in the past. I think I just get stuck because I am afraid of doing the wrong thing.

 

[Suzetig]

It's not uncommon for people who have experienced domestic abuse to feel like they are responsible for what happened - or to feel like other people will blame or judge them. Part of the abuse is losing the ability to trust yourself and ask for help.

There's a shocking lack of understanding among professionals about the dynamics of abuse (and what you'd describe is definitely abusive). If you don't feel safe, the session won't achieve anything anyway. Better your some uses the time and feels some benefit of this than you turn up for a family session that isn't going to work anyway. Just tell the therapist that you're not able to meet with him and can he please support your son.

 

[Beans]

Honestly, sometimes it's more difficult to speak things out loud. I'd print out your OP or write a letter with some details of your relationship with your ex and give it to the therapist so she can get a picture of why you're having diffculty. Any therapist worth their salt would appreciate some context to the situation so they know better how to approach it. Imo, it's doubtful with a full history of your ex's behavior ( make sure you include everything you've said especially about his intoxication) she'd even recommend a joint session.

 

[BLA]

I think I need do that and write the things out so that when I am in these situations I can have back up. It IS really hard to speak up about it. One time I remember my mind going completely blank when asked for examples of abuse I have gone through. I couldn't for the life of me pull one single example out of my head. I have had a restraining order on this guy in the past but most of the time I can't even pull that out of my head to say, "Look this guy is scary." Of course according to him I got that by fraud. Not by the many emails I took to court to show how disturbing he was.
I am going to do that though and write things out. Maybe that will help me out some in explaining things. I swear sometimes I feel like I must look like a deer in the headlights in these situations because my mind just freezes.

 

[Beans]

I think I need do that and write the things out so that when I am in these situations I can have back up. I...

The freeze response is completely natural in these situations. So many here go through that.

I keep a list of things i remember for my own reference. When I doubt the crap that's happened to me, I have it to remind me that I'm not crazy, that I haven't made this stuff up. Even the stuff I'm not so sure if i've made a big deal of (spoiler- i didn't make a big deal of it, though being around abusers and abusive behavior makes us normalize it so we think it's no big deal, when it's really horrifying.) This list isn't for me to obsess over or anything like that. I barely look at it anymore. It's simply a reference list, especially cause my memory around the abuse is so spotty. It feels good to get things down in writing and it's so useful when I'm telling myself I'm making a big deal and am "just weak." I can look and remind myself that this shit happened. Will def help with speaking to the therapist as well. Luck to you!

 

[BLA]

I am going to write stuff down. Things that have happened seem to pop in and out of my head recently. This weekend I remembered the day I left he was raging. My daughter who was about 12 at the time asked me to take the garbage out so she could get away from his anger. I told her yes but when she went by him with the trash he grabbed her to stop her and she fell. I also realized he effectively isolated me by moving me to another state, having control of the money, andwhen I tried to talk about child care so I could work he ignored me but would later rage about money. I remember his driving scaring me. I am not sure if his intention was to scare but it certainly did scare me. I also remember him being angry and impatient when the midwives hospitalized me because I was having contractions and I think my blood pressure was up. I need to write all this down so that I have it when I need it.

 

[Teasel]

Good idea to write things down when you think of em @BLA :-)