Fear Of Being Punished- Need Advice

[Nighthawk]

Angel2write,
I find myself doing this to myself all the time. The worst part is that we punish ourselves because that is our norm in my opinion. It is too hard to feel the good because it is just so unatural to me. I have no clue if I am making any sence.

((((Hang in there))))

 

[soulofLC]

I am in such a state of terror right now I think I am going to start crying and becoming inconsolable. The meds are no longer helping even though the doctor approved a dosage increase today. I am so scared...so terribly...horribly scared.
LBear

Sending prayers and hugs for strength and wisdom, LBear. Hang in there.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Angel2Write))))

Really, I can't imagine any punishment harsher than the way you are punishing yourself. I didn't see it in myself until my T. pointed it out.

...and it does seem like you are punishing yourself. Do you enjoy all those things?

What would happen if you only did the ones you enjoyed and really...let yourself off the hampster wheel of 'I have to run myself ragged or I'm not earning my air' and give your true self your full attention.

She's trying to tell you something, but you're too busy to be able to hear her.

Are you shushing your 'fun-loving self'? Or...something else?

You are ok, you always were ok...exactly as you are. No effort required.

 

[angel2write]

I get anxiety when I get close to the end of a task (even stuff like washing dishes aargh.) I have to talk myself through it. I know Just What You Mean about it being hard to even try to think about it, my brain just shears off....

It is very very strange. And it is totally non-rational.... And then when I do, unless I try really really hard - I get almost no sense of satisfaction from it. Yuck Yuck Yuck. ... Most revealing. I definitely think it could be a trigger.

Eleanor, this sounds VERY MUCH like my problem, including the "brain shear" and the feeling of getting no satisfaction from getting anything done. I find myself playing all sorts of little games or bribing myself with little treats to try and finish things!

I wonder if the "brain shear" phenomenon (love that description) is typical of triggers. Anybody else? Do you have trouble even thinking about something that triggers you?

 

[angel2write]

What would happen if you only did the ones you enjoyed and really...let yourself off the hampster wheel of 'I have to run myself ragged or I'm not earning my air'

Oh, Bloom! Laughing my behind off at the poor little hampster trying to earn it's air! :laugh::roflmao::laugh:

That is so true!

Sadly, even work or tasks I really love and want to do can set this issue off. One of the things I find so frustrating about it. Maybe if I can figure out where it's coming from, I'll be able to counter it somehow. I wonder how many beautiful art projects or interesting things I could get done if I wasn't self-sabotaging all the time?

 

[angel2write]

She's trying to tell you something, but you're too busy to be able to hear her.

Are you shushing your 'fun-loving self'? Or...something else?

Mpfh. A wise and pertinent question.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thankyou for sharing this thread, I suffer with this too, and as I reach the end of university I feel myself it is getting really hard.

Firstly, finishing something is scary because when one thing finishes, something else begins. And when its a struggle to see further ahead than this moment, the unknown brings fear.

Secondly, it is only a thought, but I think there is a moment of trauma when, perhaps on an unconcious level, we realise that nothing is going as we expected or hoped. And I think its difficult to trust in something good happening. If we expect it all to be bad, or self sabatage to make sure it is bad, then we avoid that terrible moment when the bottom seems to drop out of the world.

 

[soulofLC]

Do you have trouble even thinking about something that triggers you?

OH geese, by all means yes. I am so good at thinking about ANYTHING except the things that I really need to do. Practical things that would make my life so much easier. I don't know why; I think I am freezing into a helpless child. AHHH, there it is, I said. it.

As well, my career...my art is a huge trigger. I feel like I have to make it perfect or not make it at all. So I am not making any. I don't know what that is about. I just lost my voice somewhere along the way. Just thinking about it makes me crazy with fear.

 

[Eleanor]

Sadly, even work or tasks I really love and want to do can set this issue off. One of the things I find so frustrating about it.

Amen. Maybe that is why I only bake any more - I get it about so far...and then it "finishes" itself:-) Sewing projects... Have given up.:( ADD medication helps with some things - grading, reading, bill paying stuff like that that I just can't get myself to do or get so scattered it is better if I didn't start. Strange that a drug that mimics "anxiety" or at least brain activation would make it easier to do stuff - and finish. ???:confused: But I can't take it all the time because it just strips what little energy I have....

 

[angel2write]

Just thinking about it makes me crazy with fear.

Yeah... know how that feels...

(((((soLC))))))

 

[angel2write]

I've been working on this on my diary a lot, and I think it's true. I think it's triggers. There were just so many of them, and so different I couldn't see the forest for the trees.

I was thinking it was one big thing. Instead, I guess it's just lots and lots of triggers that all gang up and make my job very hard to do.

 

[mamachick]

I read this thread and felt a strong association to everything said but had nothing to add.....did some other stuff and realized how connected ? maybe triggered??I felt to the topic, a sense of unrelenting uneasiness and relating to the feelings of fear of being punished. At first I had no words to describe......then it came to me.

Even though I may be doing my best, and others are happy or satisfied with it, I am haunted like I am not doing good enough and since I know that it is not good enough it will eventually be discovered by others who will point that out and take any good feeling away then, so I should not get accustom to feeling good about what I do because it will not last, it is only temporary, and I am not in control of my feeling good-and those who are will eventually take that away.

For me, I think it comes from being the last one to know, that I somehow am defective, and feeling I do not have my own power. If I dont do anything, nobody will tell me I am doing a bad job at nothing. My punishment includes being belittled, verbal assault, physical attack, humiliated, sqaushed like a bug.

I knew there was something here when I read the first post-I felt nausea. I dont know the answer but I can sure relate. Sorry if this does not make sense to the topic, Im not sure at the moment