Fear Of Being Punished- Need Advice

[angel2write]

For me, I think it comes from being the last one to know, that I somehow am defective, and feeling I do not have my own power.... My punishment includes being belittled, verbal assault, physical attack, humiliated, sqaushed like a bug.

I knew there was something here when I read the first post-I felt nausea. I dont know the answer but I can sure relate. Sorry if this does not make sense to the topic, Im not sure at the moment

No, it makes sense. Maybe part of it is being jumped on unexpectedly too many times. You do the best you can... and then someone comes along and attacks you for it, punishes you for it, shames you for it... and you didn't even know you were doing anything wrong!

Healthy people have a sense that, if they mess up, they will be warned. They will have a chance to change or fix it. They feel safe making mistakes.

I feel so darned unsafe, I don't even feel safe when I KNOW I didn't make any mistakes. Because at any second, someone could come along and slap me to the ground for doing whatever it is "wrong." :notworthy: And with my parents, the definition of wrong changed wildly from day to day. No assurance whatsoever that, no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't get punished for it.

 

[mamachick]

Healthy people have a sense that if they make a mistake, its not the end of the world and they will not be annihilated. Being human is acceptable, and good enough. I have not always felt this way, but this is exactly how I feel when considering returning to work, it prevents me from contributing to society in the best way I know how.

I was about to say that this was not how I was treated in childhood, but then a couple of things came to mind and I am sure that if I think about it, there is much more. My mother sent me to the store when I was about 8 for several items, one being a head of lettuce, I came back with cabbage. She went nuts on me.

This is a very good thread and thank you for starting it.

 

[Sterre]

The difficulty with completing a task and being affraid to be punished for it, for me also has to do with being a perfectionist.

I have learned that it is .never.good.enough., no matter how well the task is done, no matter how hard I worked for it, it just isnt good enough ever.

That makes it hard to complete a task, because when a task runs on its end, the nervous fear of it not being good enough comes closer.

No satisfaction, just criticism, always.

Whatever I did, it was never good enough, it would never turn the tables. It would never be so good that it would change the situation or that it finally made me visible.

Istead of seeing it for what it was ( neglect), I blamed myself as a kid, for the task just wasnt performd good enough. Because if it would be good enough, it would have made them love me.

And it didnt. It never did. No matter how good I was.

 

[LiamM]

Whatever I did, it was never good enough, it would never turn the tables. It would never be so good that it would change the situation or that it finally made me visible.
Istead of seeing it for what it was ( neglect), I blamed myself as a kid, for the task just wasnt performd good enough. Because if it would be good enough, it would have made them love me.
And it didnt. It never did. No matter how good I was.

*Hugs*!
I remember that too, trying to do something that would make them forgive me, because I thought the reason I was neglected was because I did something wrong. I continued to do something wrong, which is why that never happened I guess. As a result, I'm never confident that I even did something partially right, everything I do just has to be completely faulty. I'm always afraid to do anything that can be criticized. Sometimes terrified.

So many times I just want to do nothing, because I can't fail at doing nothing... but then I remember that it will be seen as failing at doing something. -sigh- I just can't win.

 

[mamachick]

Thats right, you cant fail at nothing. I think that is the source of my withdrawl from people as well. I raised my kids and they are good, but when they get to be teens and everything is moms fault-I started feeling crushed. I a definately not a perfectionist. Im ADD so I have to be organized to suceed. I might be perfectionist when it comes to my job. It is one that requires creativity, timing, etc, and afterwards I would critique myself. But that was a good thing. Yet once away from it, afraid of going back and failing.

 

[mamachick]

But I forget quickly. When I left, I had sisters attacking me that I failed, that I was worthless, etc. It is insane that those statements effect a 50 yr old woman.

 

[bankhead]

This is such a good thread. I find it painful to read but I am thankful to know that others struggle with some of the same things that I do. I have gotten to a place in which the anxiety and shaming feelings about cleaning up and getting projects started is so severe that I have simply shut down. I am trying so hard to find a way to get beyond this block.

 

[Eleanor]

Just got back from a visit to my parents. Details aren't really that important - what IS is the observation my H made today - that my parents don't exactly expect me/us to fail - they want us to. Because IF we fail, then they can bail us out - creating a connection that we will maintain. My parents don't "do" emotional connection - but they want/need some kind of connection, and I guess financial is as good as anything else. This makes sense of my anxious/stuck feelings about finishing stuff - my mom would "finish" my sewing (and other) projects when I was a kid - if H is right - and this is their way of creating connection by being "needed" (never mind the crippling effect on me). If I "finish" by myself - then no connection for me either. I am just on my own (which I was mostly anyhow.) But if I DON'T finish, then maybe someone will come help me and care. I'm not certain this is right - but it is an interesting reversal... Food for thought....

Dad was a typical perfectionist - I came home with all A's (including one A-) and his response: "What's that minus doing on there?" Sheesh.

 

[Muzikluvr]

But if I DON'T finish, then maybe someone will come help me and care. I'm not certain this is right - but it is an interesting reversal... Food for thought....

Does this mean that you may be able to take charge of the relationship by choosing what things they could help you with in order to connect with them and not lose your own feelings of independence and self worth? Because, I think that sounds like a positive way of handling it.

 

[Kintsugi]

(((Angel)))

I have no advice from personal experience to lend you, since I still struggle with this same problem in a slightly different way.

BUT, from what I know of you, I know you are eternally compassionate toward others. So the next time you think about someone yelling at you for being a great, successful person, imagine that you are not you but someone you care about, like your kids, and wonder, would I yell at this person for their success? Is that remotely human?

For me, this picture reminds me that IF someone were to be so horrible as to reprimand a job well done, they would be the failure, failing to have basic social skills and common sense, not to mention the goodwill that makes being human WORTH IT!

 

[LittleBear]

Eleanor, I understand from many perspectives. My dad also would have pointed out the A- and make mention of it the entire next semester. My older brother couldn't do well enough by him. Even at 57 I am still looking for approval from people I see as authority figures and it has made me become a very "subordinate" personality. Yes, it's nice to have a few "Little Brownies" moments and it does feel good. P.S. Don't be so hard on yourself. :)

 

[seekingsource]

Wow. Just wow.

The topic heading drew me here. Reading your posts brought tears. Angel2write, your last post HIT HOME.

I am going to save it and think about it.

Thank you, all ... and may we all find out way out.

Btw: I describe to others my difficulties by describing how elephants are trained for certain industries: They are tied by their leg to a tree or post with almost no room to move, whatsoever. When enough time has passed, their ties can be removed, and any ordinary rope can be used to control them, because it would never occur to the previously bound elephant that they had the power to break free anymore, and so they remain forever enslaved.