Fear of losing child

[Doc613]

Hi all, new here. I'm a former medic in the double A. I served two tours in Afghanistan, saw a fair share but I don't really feel like it's greatly impacted my life overall.

I've got four kids, the youngest is nearly a year old. I've never had this issue before, but with this one I have frequent, and probably irrational fears of losing him. Normally this is commonly associated with mothers, but I seem to worry more than my wife does... Though I don't tell her about it.

I've had common fears of losing all of my children, but they were far and few between, with this one though it is frequent. I've worried that I'll wake up and find him dead, or that he'll choke on something he finds and picks up, or he'll fall from something and break his neck, etc etc. Those are fairly common fears for most people, though I feel they bother me far too frequently.

My not so common fears are generally of my son dying due to violence. These fears range from someone killing him at his current age, or all the way up to adulthood, especially should he follow in my shoes and decide to serve. I never worried too much about myself in such manners... But the thought of losing him, even when he's older, often plagues my mind and drives me to near madness.

I know it's normal to have fears, but it's abnormal to think of horrible, graphic violence on a regular basis. I figure this is due to some of my experience overseas, but I'm just wondering if any others here who've experienced such violence have dealt with the same, and how they've gotten over it.

Any input would be helpful, thank you. Much love from Doc.

 

[ladee]

I have not had that fear about one of my children, but had it about my mom even as a younger child. And who was going to listen to that from a child when I had a hard time articulating what I was feeling....
I do know that when in Therapy, we finally got around to discussing this, and some of it was because i was very enmeshed with her... Didn't know where she left off and I began. So possibily, for me, it was my fearing my own death. if she died so would I.... I don't know if this helped any other than letting you know you are not alone in such thoughts.... I hope you are in Therapy and not trying to do this journey alone...

Welcome by the way, hope you find the forum supportive and encouging as I have.... we have a section for Military if you would be more comfortable there..... but glad you found us...

 

[Doc613]

I have not had that fear about one of my children, but had it about my mom even as a younger child. And w...

It's interesting you say that, because as a child I had frequent fears about my father. My dad is probably why need of the calmest, and nicest people I know to this day. However as a child, when I'd visit with him. I often feared for his safety, of we were at a restaurant I'd think about someone walking in and shooting him, or that he'd get hit and killed while riding. I can remember some of these as far back as probably around 7/8 years old.

I also had this ridiculous fear that he was going to kill me, or leave me somewhere. We'd often take long drives during visits, driving up to the mountains or down back roads. I'm not entirely sure why I had this fear because I think he actually got mad at me maybe three times in my life, and that was in my teenage years when I did some incredibly stupid shit.

Maybe that's somehow related, but I still feel my deployments are mostly to blame since my other children we're at least in their toddler years by the time I witnessed violence overseas. Still, I've mostly been alright since then. My last deployment was over five years ago and I've only recently started experiencing 'somewhat' regular symptoms of PTSD. Prior to the last year or so it was very uncommon, and I could put my finger on what triggered the response... Lately it's been, seemingly, random onset of sensory flashbacks, hypervigilance, and borderline panic attacks, and they seem to be increasing.

 

[Ronin]

I did, and given I lost my kids/fosters to violence, I didn't really cope with it.

I'd try to look at what goes & went right. Those people saved. Those people with utterly normal, boring, uneventful childhoods. All the things your kidlets have to your increased awareness in terms of safety that others' kids don't. All the things you can do, instead of what you can't.

Sorry you're so struggling, Doc. Welcome.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

One of the hardest things a parent has in the back of their minds is losing a child. I remember seeing a poem many years ago, and it was about our children being on loan from God. That poem struck a real fear into my heart and really scared me. About twenty five years later, it turns out my son was killed in a motorcycle accident. It was the hardest thing to go through for me up until that point.

I am slowly learning that when my worst fears actually do come to pass, as much as they deeply hurt, I survive them and learn the things I needed to learn from that experience. Life is not fair.

All I think is perhaps your time overseas, and thank you for your service to this country, you saw a lot of reality happen and then realized that it could happen to you too, and maybe this is why you are having your worst fears about your child right now.

I think it is a good time to be thankful for what you have in your living children and love them with everything you have just in case, God forbid, you do lose one of your children to death. Life is not fair, and there are no guarantees of anything except death for each of each of us.

I have now lost a brother, all of my husbands family. and my son and my husband. it was hard each time for me but I am now healed from the scars it left upon my heart and do miss them but know their spirits are with me whenever i need them. It is hard to explain.

If you are in therapy, talking to your therapist would surely help you to sort this fear out so you may experience some real peace. I wish you long life along with all of your family.

 

[ladee]

And this is how PTSD sneaks in and takes over our life. For years you were able to identify triggers and deal with them.
Now your body and brain are going to hand you the things to heal and deal with to be that dad that can protect your kids as well as possible.

But something is brewing and you are aware it's not healthy the way it occupies your life.

Just a gentle and caring suggestion, get help to deal with this. Doesn't mean we are weak or stupid or crazy.
It means you have thoughts that have gotten your attention. Took courage to come on here and tell us what is going on.

Somewhere, somehow, the fear of loosing someone you love has burned a place in your memory. And fears have built on this.
Do you feel guilty if you try to STOP the thoughts? Just in case something did happen and you weren't paying attention?
A lot of us have this obsessive thinking, for different scenarios, so you are not alone and you are not crazy.
You are stuck in survival mode and have been many years of your life. I still am and have to work on getting back to here and now.
Please let us know how you are doing and if you found some good trauma help.
We do care!

 

[honeypie058]

First, I would like to thank you for your service.

I don't think you fears are abnormal, considering your experiences. As a mother of two girls I'm constantly afraid that they will endure the same violent traumas as mine and most of the time it drives drives me crazy. Now that you're vocalizing this issue, it would would be a good time to discuss it if you are in therapy.