Fear of Sobriety

[frogthroat]

So now I know why people say they "celebrate" their sobriety because it really feels good to go a week without craving alcohol. It's now a positive in my life. I just went through deep dark depressive spell with SI AND I did not drink. I used other things to get through (like this forum)

That's great to hear that you no longer crave alcohol and didn't use it during your depressive episode. It gives me hope that this will just be a bumpy stint.
I also struggle with SI from time to time I realize I use that and alcohol so I don't cry. I have a hard time with crying or expressing emotions in general so I'm feeling incredibly anxious about not numbing myself with anything.

 

[hithere]

I just have to trust this process and realize the anxiety is a lie and my brain is trying to trick me.

The anxiety is the actual physical stymptom of "withdrawal" I forgot that helped me too. I'm the type of person who wants to know everything I can about what I'm dealing with. So there are many articles and websites online about alcohol withdrawal. Learning the "biology" of the alcohol helped me know what I was going through. Because once you get through withdrawal the anxiety will come way down.

 

[hithere]

That's great to hear that you no longer crave alcohol and didn't use it during your depressive episode. It gives me hope that this will just be a bumpy stint.
I also struggle with SI from time to time I realize I use that and alcohol so I don't cry. I have a hard time with crying or expressing emotions in general so I'm feeling incredibly anxious about not numbing myself with anything.

oh, yeah. I never cried. I deeply believed I would be murdered if I cried plus a bunch of other beliefs about crying. yeah so I undestand what you are saying! Just know you will not die if you cry.

 

[frogthroat]

Just know you will not die if you cry.

I'm suspicious of that. Lol

 

[ILoveLife]

Hi @RuffledFeathers

I've had "problems" (@Freida! Understatement!) with drugs and alcohol since I was 13 yo. 4 years ago I quit drugs, 3 months ago I quit alcohol.

I'm not going to lie, it's tough either way. But it is A LOT harder to keep drinking. One thing that popped up is the emotional turbulence right after quitting, I never did allow my emotions to just sit there and resolve themselves. They would always get stuck in a loop and I'd numb them with drugs or alcohol.
When I stopped doing that - surprise, surprise - I felt actual normal emotions. Joy, excitement, sadness, regular and normal anger, peacefulness, stress, etc.
So that was good!

Another thing is I stopped calling myself an addict or an alcoholic. Screw that, it doesn't define me. I'm currently a person who chooses sobriety.
I urge to read the HIP SOBRIETY blog, she's incredibly helpful really.

Another thing I did was find non-12 steps meetings, I found SMART but there are others. I go to online meetings, it's not an obligation for me but I like the tool approach and not guilt approach to it. They're very inclusive, all sorts of behaviors are being resolved there - not just drugs or alcohol, although those are the most common. It's CBT based, so a lot of the tools actually help with trauma too.
12 steps (if they're your thing) can and are extremely helpful too.
Don't allow anyone to guilt you into choosing one or the other, you can actually attend both.
The thing about meetings is the community sense and mutual support. It's incredibly helpful to see others going through the same things and working together in resolving them.

Books are great resources too. Lisa Najavit's Recovery from Trauma and Addiction or Both, it's an incredibly helpful and compassionate book to start. She gives all sorts of helpful advice and tools. I really cherish this book.
Then Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate, and others. Shoot me up on my diary if you want more, I don't remember them all now.

Getting a toolbox with tools to manage both trauma and addiction was life saving for me, literally. It's a folder on my computer, and notes on my Google Keep, and I resort to them when I need to.

I don't have support in real life for it, much anyway, people say "How Great!" but don't help at all (sometimes make it worse)... so I found my support online.

Hope this helps.

 

[frogthroat]

One thing that popped up is the emotional turbulence right after quitting, I never did allow my emotions to just sit there and resolve themselves. They would always get stuck in a loop and I'd numb them with drugs or alcohol.

This is where I slip up even when I'm determined to quit because I'm not fantastic at riding my emotions out yet or even letting myself feel them. I'm working on CBT skills daily but it wouldn't hurt me to have more resources. I'm afraid meetings in real life would be too much so I'll definitely check out the SMART thing.

 

[ILoveLife]

If you're into 12-steps too or want to check them our, there's an online meeting website called IntoTheRooms.

I'm not into 12 steps so I don't know how well it works, but I do know it has a pretty solid member base.

SMART is great, less cult-like. Less! Not completely void of it, I think.

 

[Friday]

This is where I slip up even when I'm determined to quit because I'm not fantastic at riding my emotions out yet or even letting myself feel them

Yep.

I actually went to rehab -because that’s what you “do”, right?- and got kicked out after 11 days because of how dysregulated & symptomatic I became without drugs/alcohol managing my symptoms (and lettin me pick my emotions).

Spoiler: The Long Story - Good, Bad, & Ugly

It’s was a 28 day program, although at my intake they said I would probably be one of their 90 day kids given the amounts I was using and still appearing / being highly functional. The total disasters tend to clean up quick, the totally put togethers tend to spiral wildly out of control and need a lot more in the way of support & restructuring. They were totally down for that.

Cough. Yeah. 11 days.

For some totally strange and bizarre reason, they said my problem wasn’t drugs & alcohol, but trauma & PTSD??? Nope! Not me! Trauma ain’t my problem. I’m FINE. And PTSD? Pfft. I had that. I don’t still have it! But even if I did? I’m FINE. It’s the drugs and alcohol that are wrecking my life, not this so called trauma BS.

:whistling:

They said I was more than welcome to come back into their dual diagnosis program (it’s bad when you’re too symptomatic to get INTO a dual diagnosis program, even when they have one on site, think that transferring you into it wouldn’t provide enough support) after I’d done at least 1 month inpatient in an intensive trauma unit, although they’d prefer to see 3-6 months of PHP & IOP following that, they absolutely insisted I be inpatient -in a trauma unit, not general psych- first.

In retrospect? Yeah. They were on the money. And being absolutely responsible in referring me to people who specialized in what I actually had a problem with & was self medicating. But I was using drugs & alcohol to avoid trauma, and now was using recovery from drugs and alcohol to avoid trauma. Going into a program focused on PTSD? Had no place in that plan.

So out of spite and sheer cussedness I stayed sober for the next few years. To “prove” to them that it was drugs & alcohol, not trauma :rolleyes:

(After punching a hole in their wall to underline what I thought of them... to be clear I hadn’t been violent until then. But as most people get sober they get less dysregulated, not more. What I was going through? Was far more than they could help with, although it was so mild -compared to what I was used to when things got bad- that I couldn’t understand what the fuss was about).

And did meetings. And got a sponsor. And totally worked the program (which is very specific about trauma NOT being the problem, just the excuse, drugs and alcohol are the problem)... which suited my avoidance right down to the ground. See??? A program that’s helped millions says trauma ain’t my problem! :p Nyah Nyah Nyah. Suck on THIS.

Snort.

In short? I wasted a LOT of time.

But I also learned a lot.

In part? Because I had a sponsor who was an MSW working on her LCSW, so I essentially had 4-6 hours of free therapy a week (not trauma stuff, but life stuff). She was brilliant. One of my favorite people of all time. One of those people who makes the world better just by being in it.

Also in part? Because I spent more time in NA than AA, and it was both a crazy über solution based -not war stories / sob stories / drama; but how to rock out life with your cock out- group of folks who’d all done reeeeally well in their sober lives, and came from pretty brutal backgrounds. Trafficking, outlaw biker gangs, etc,, now with white picket fences and normal-esque lives.

Having good people in your life? Especially people to learn from and pattern off of? NEVER a bad thing.

But I really did waste a lot of time avoiding my trauma... aaaaand ...now I’m 6 years deep into being symptomatic all over again, because I didn’t sort it the first time. :banghead:

The moral of this story? Don’t be me.

You’re already working on trauma... which is awesome!

If it comes to needing more support with the alcohol thing? I would look into either a dual-diagnosis program (you may very well be an alcoholic-alcoholic in addition to self medicating), or increased trauma support (inpatient, PHP, IOP, etc.), since it’s the PTSD which is going to be flaring up with the lost of a major coping mechanism, getting more support for that will ease up the pressure of wanting old coping mechanisms back.

 

[frogthroat]

since it’s the PTSD which is going to be flaring up with the lost of a major coping mechanism, getting more support for that will ease up the pressure of wanting old coping mechanisms back.

Oh yes. Day 2 and the flaring up has begun. I have never felt more empty or disappointed in my entire life I think. I did go to the gym and take a hot shower. I ate 3 generally healthy meals. I'm going to try a meeting this Friday and if it leaves a bad taste I'll find support elsewhere.

 

[frogthroat]

Okay so I joined SMART and there's a whole lot information on there to be looked at.

 

[ILoveLife]

Best of luck :)