General Fear Or Flight And Telling Lies

[kaydee]

I am fairly new to this forum and wish I had found it a couple of years ago, I am glad I have found it now.

I have been reading lots and in one of my last posts something struck a nerve, it may already have been discussed before but hey?

I have noticed a pattern in the behavior of my partner regarding 'telling lies or what I would prefer to call misrepresentation of fact'.

It seems that when questioned about a situation my partner tells me what I believe now to be 'what she thinks I want to hear or perhaps what she knows will be acceptable to me'. I am now wondering if this could relate to the fear or flight syndrome she has talked to me about but never really explained in this context.

Does the uncomfortableness of the situation trigger previous reactions/responses to save further angst?

Unfortunately I have realized (too late maybe) that these 'misrepresentations' have caused me to distrust her (think the worst) and then I distance myself (which makes it worse still), and around we go....

I am seriously trying to change the patterns of our dance and would appreciate any other points of view on this behavior.

I also wonder if this behavior exhibits itself in treatment too, if so where to from here??

:crazy:

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello kaydee, welcome :hello:

I guess it would really matter "what" she is "misrepresenting".
Is it for avoidance purposes, or avoiding therapy, or "protecting" you from worry, or fear the truth is unacceptable, or will cause a confrontation or embarassment?

Maybe the answer lies somewhere in there.
Good luck to you.

 

[kaydee]

Thanks Junebug

Maybe I have not stated my question clearly enough, I know her behavior is for all the reasons you state, dependent upon the situation.

My question is - could the behavior be related to past experiences and the fear or flight syndrome. I guess I am looking for a bigger picture answer, an answer that helps me accept her misrepresentations or lies, either that or a magic wand.

It scares me that so much of PTSD is uncontrollable the closer you get to someone the worse their health seems to be.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm so sorry kaydee.

It's a lot more "controlable" if accepted and adressed. I think until it is, or there is some "internal change of thought", it's likely the person with ptsd will end up lying a lot but naturally I can't speak for everyone. I know I did (originally), but I had so much to cover up and so much I couldn't bear facing. Even then it wasn't malicious so much as desperate, I guess, but it caused others a lot of heartache and myself horrific regret.

I don't even know if they "had" a diagnosis of "ptsd in adolescents" in those days (25+ years ago). But I certainly became very sick of living that way, with or without an "official" diagnosis.

And yes, "pushing people you love away" is very common. "Getting close" doesn't cause the problems though; it may trigger feelings that you don't want to hurt who you love, but it's most certainly not the other person's fault. It's a God-send for the person with ptsd if they are able to acknowledge and manage their symptoms and treat you reciprically in a healthy way.

You are right to not deny to yourself the terrible parts of ptsd. On the other hand, there can also be tremendous hope and as you will see with this site, some incredible people have/ are managing very successfully.

I know this doesn't help much but I would keep reading and try to take care of yourself first and foremost.

 

[kaydee]

Thank you Junebug

you sound like you are on top of things and I applaud your honesty. There are lots of positive stories on the forum and I can see the benefits of it.

I guess we all hope that one day the wonderful caring person we fell in love with will return and sometimes that is all that keeps me going.

The stories here are helping me keep a balanced view of the disease and helping me "really see it from all sides".

 

[fin]

I am so sorry I went on at such a great length here....I have cut and pasted some out into my diary here probably really wasn't the place to write some of this....I will get times out if I don't post now so...I hope this is ok

I think in expressing feelings sometimes it is hard to know how to acknowledge them, how to express whta it is that we feel, because we may not know ourselves.

I also think that maybe lying may be a conditioned reflex that helped us to survive through out trauma's at some time.
sorry got to post now. I should have been better at remembering this editing sorry


It is the hardest thing in the world weighing up whether someone can take the truth and wondering what will happen when you tell it.

I know in my teens and even earlier I just didn't say much, I was very shy anyway. But I know I covered up a lot of stuff that had happened to me because I didn't want people to think I was well...I guess how I "felt". I felt and do still feel very disgusting amongst other things. In my youth I attempted to kept it all firmly buttoned down. If no-one knew then nothing else could happen to me.

I really did think that others would see me in this bad light. UI then went through a period of disclosure and I did open myself up and was badly abused further, it took place withine a church by church members. Many of whom had felt it was a "supreme right" of theirs to know what had happened to me before coming to their church, afterall they cared for me!


I never avoid therapy or disclosure within that environment. My life is slipping away from me fast and unless I am absolutely open about all aspects of it...then I can see no way to move forward.

I used to feel I had to give the information requested of me...I used to feel I had to be gratefull that someone was concerned enough to ask, and should therefore oblige. But I have to tell you right now...many many times...it was because people were nosey, they just wanted to know.

I may not say that to someone now but I do say; I feel uncomfortable and I don't think that it is necessarily something I feel I need to share at that time. It very rarely goes down well. The thing is in how you say it....I do pepper it with I appreciate your care and hope that you will understand....(and this is no lie in saying)...I find that my real and true friends accept that. They know it isn't necessarily that I don't trust them, they know I don't perhaps trust myself, and maybe at that moment in time it isn't good for me to talk about whatever it is.
Also during hyper-arousal, my mind races too much and I am less able to formulate what I say at all, let alone be c
I had one friend that I studied psych. with and despite her continuing on and finishing and me dropping out, well in spite of all that ....I am still being asked what PTSD is by her. I think I find that odd, how someone feels justified in asking everything they do and yet can't really be bothered to pick up a book and read just a chapter. Even to go on-line and just look at wiki if nothing else.
I hope it is ok that I wrote this...am having an unconfident day. But wanted to give another point.

Oh and I have been very open and honest with my brother, who has a better understanding now. I still don't see him and he thinks I am quite few bad things...but he understands now that I am sincere and honest with him. And some respect has come from that...not much but some. And that for me is better than what we had previously.

. So if nothing else today I am able to say "I am sorry but I can't..." I do it very badly most times and I consider myself terribly socially clumsy.

Some people think that I am stupid and gushing also, naive and foolish because I speak of some things that maybe I shouldn't but others...
It is just this thing; this PTSD, that we share here...eats away at anything good that is imput into us. Undermines everything we trust and know and believe to be good, and hope that we are. It leaves us feeling...well I don't want to go on any further....you get the idea.

 

[kaydee]

Hi Fin

what you have offered up in your response, I wish I could find the words maybe a :Hug_emoticon:says it better.

I wish my partner would say "I am not able to share this" like you have learned to do. It is something I can understand, respect and accept.

:smile:

 

[fin]

Thankyou Kaydee...Hi

I think it is wonderful what you are doing to try to understand. I have to say keep doing that, I think your partner will in time be able to open up to you. It is the timescale thing that I think many people have a problem with. Trust is such a very difficult thing to regain, and I dont mean not necessarly trusting you...trusting herself.

And I think your partner probably wishs she could be more open, it stalls us so badly in this area. It took me a long time to be able to...and I still struggle with it now.

Time and that understanding is a very wonderful thing to be shown when you have this PTSD thing.

Be patient and you will get there together, with her, try not to see it as personal to you, I know it must perhaps feel like a personal snub. I don't think it is though. It maybe is how she feels about it and maybe she is trying to come to terms with it in perhaps the only way she knows how.

It may also be that while with you, she wants no cross over memories to invade the relationship you to have together. It does invade who we are.

Time and understanding Kaydee, and hopefully your relationship will be soo much stronger for it, you will/may find beautiful and hidden strengths also.


I wish you every happiness in the future. Oh and stay with it here; this is an amazingly supportive place to find help, encouragement and advice. No matter which position you are coming from with PTSD, we are all at different points in moving forward. And we all have good days and bad days.

~fin