Feel icky, unsafe, irritated not coping right now

[Lilac98]

She's not making you feel anything. I know that might just seem like different words, but it's really a whole different idea.

You feel unsafe around her. But realistically, there is no threat or danger from her, right?

I know she isn't actually unsafe or dangerous but how am I supposed to work with someone who makes me feel like that

 

[joeylittle]

how am I supposed to work with someone who makes me feel like that

Well, you start by working on challenging the thoughts that you are having, and the feelings they are connected to.

Remember - she isn't doing anything.

I'd be saying something to myself like, "I know that I got frightened because she reminded me of an event in a dream, but she isn't that person, and my reaction was understandable but it's not how I have to feel every time I see her. I can choose to put those thoughts and feelings in the past, and instead keep myself in the here and now, where I know that she isn't dangerous and doesn't mean me harm".

And I'd say that to myself every time those feelings of fear came up. Then, I'd do something to distract or engage myself, so my mind didn't fixate on it.

 

[Lilac98]

Well, you start by working on challenging the thoughts that you are having, and the feelings they are connected to.

Remember - she isn't doing anything.

I'd be saying something to myself like, "I know that I got frightened because she reminded me of an event in a dream, but she isn't that person, and my reaction was understandable but it's not how I have to feel every time I see her. I can choose to put those thoughts and feelings in the past, and instead keep myself in the here and now, where I know that she isn't dangerous and doesn't mean me harm".

And I'd say that to myself every time those feelings of fear came up. Then, I'd do something to distract or engage myself, so my mind didn't fixate on it.

I just don't see it working it's been three weeks and I thought if I still feel the same now I'm not going to feel different in another week and she can't work with me if I don't trust her and don't feel safe around her which I don't.

 

[Sideways]

Me personally? I think this is probably the wrong forum to het meaningful assistance with your questions about "how do I cope with this support worker?"

It's a good question. It's an important question.

But...

This is a ptsd forum. The answers you get here will be answers for a person who needs help coping with their support worker primarily because their ptsd is making that difficult. The answers will be from people with lived experience of ptsd.

But your situation is different. You have a significant condition, requiring professional care, which impacts the way you think and process these things. Most folks here don't have any experience with that condition. Most folks here know very little about that condition.

I think you might make huuuuuge headway asking your question "how do I cope with her" on a forum specifically for people with your condition. Not just because they'll understand the condition itself, but because you'll likely find peers who have had to deal with a similar (if not the same) situation, and find a solution which works for someone living with your condition.

Answers here are potentially going to be helpful for someone suffering with ptsd. But they may be completely unhelpful, potentially making the situation worse, for a person with your condition.

That is not me saying "go away, you don't belong here". It's me suggesting that some of your questions will be best put to people who know your condition. And personally, I think this might be one of those questions where it might matter, and potentially be the difference between getting responses that are helpful, versus responses that are just making you more frustrated.

 

[Lilac98]

Me personally? I think this is probably the wrong forum to het meaningful assistance with your questions about "how do I cope with this support worker?"

It's a good question. It's an important question.

But...

This is a ptsd forum. The answers you get here will be answers for a person who needs help coping with their support worker primarily because their ptsd is making that difficult. The answers will be from people with lived experience of ptsd.

But your situation is different. You have a significant condition, requiring professional care, which impacts the way you think and process these things. Most folks here don't have any experience with that condition. Most folks here know very little about that condition.

I think you might make huuuuuge headway asking your question "how do I cope with her" on a forum specifically for people with your condition. Not just because they'll understand the condition itself, but because you'll likely find peers who have had to deal with a similar (if not the same) situation, and find a solution which works for someone living with your condition.

Answers here are potentially going to be helpful for someone suffering with ptsd. But they may be completely unhelpful, potentially making the situation worse, for a person with your condition.

That is not me saying "go away, you don't belong here". It's me suggesting that some of your questions will be best put to people who know your condition. And personally, I think this might be one of those questions where it might matter, and potentially be the difference between getting responses that are helpful, versus responses that are just making you more frustrated.

Me asking how do I cope with her is cause I feel unsafe and uncomfortable with her cause of her doing something that reminded me of a person in a nightmare. She is there to help me with autism but with this incident I don't feel that's the main problem.

 

[Sideways]

I don't feel that's the main problem.

It's clear you don't like hearing advice that's not entirely consistent with what you want to hear, but the fact you have autism is very relevant to how you cope with this situation.

 

[Lilac98]

It's clear you don't like hearing advice that's not entirely consistent with what you want to hear, but the fact you have autism is very relevant to how you cope with this situation.

All I really know about autism and mental health problems being related is if you're autistic you're more likely to have mental health problems but you ask people who understand autism and they don't know information about mental health and you ask about mental health and they don't know about autism I've found this problem when trying to get help in general for different things. That and they use it as an excuse to not see you or get rid of you like a mental health charity who refuses to help autistic people cause it will only work for non autistic people and the Ed team who 6 months after diagnosing and treating me decided it was just my autism cause I don't like changes even though nothing had changed since I was diagnosed I just had only just gained some weight right (not a lot but it was something) before the review.

 

[Dynamic]

Hi Lilac.

I know what it feels like when you don't know who to trust.

I agree with the responses you're getting.

PTSD and autism aside- nobody in a sound mind would advise you dropping support, because the worker reminded you of a nightmare.

It may very well overwhelm you to the point you feel you absolutely need to get away from them and I get that.

I like the idea you can work towards a new worker. It just doesn't seem an option right now which sucks.

I feel sad you're feeling possibly lost and confused and don't know who to trust?

I can't tell you what to do. You seem so frustrated and I get why.

I hope you feel better soon and can consider the answers from people here who have experience in what you're asking about.

 

[elephant]

Hello Lilac,
I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts into words, but I agree with the other responses you've already received.

And I think especially this paragraph by Sideways is worth reading (at least) one more time…

But your situation is different. You have a significant condition, requiring professional care, which impacts the way you think and process these things. Most folks here don't have any experience with that condition. Most folks here know very little about that condition.

… because it is very true. I do understand that it might not be what you want to hear. But it is very true - autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder that, to a high degree, affect how our brains works (including the way we experience the world, process things, think, and communicate).

But with that said. I hope you feel better soon, Lilac

 

[Friday]

I know she isn't actually unsafe or dangerous but how am I supposed to work with someone who makes me feel like that

From a PTSD standpoint?

She doesn’t make you feel like that.
Your past makes you feel like that.

It is entirely unfair to blame people for things they did not do, and entirely your responsibility to stop blaming the people in your life NOW for things people in the past did.

She’s just an innocent bystander you’re lashing out at, and directing your fear/anger at. Which is wrong. And needs to stop.

She’s not in the wrong.
You are.

***

Spoiler: Beyond PTSD

Meanwhile… If I’m looking at the same situation from an ADHD standpoint? I have an entirely different series of issues resulting from different causes.

***

ADHD + PTSD = a possible 3rd & 4th & 5th paradigms I may (or may not) working with. Depending on what symptoms are double presenting, or accentuating/minimizing/altering in relation to the others.

=

Comorbid diagnoses can make life a bit tricky. I often have to throw coping mechanisms from BOTH disorders at a situation to see what “sticks” / gains the most traction.

Like the above (From a PTSD standpoint) is one that I OFTEN have to use, to reality check what’s me being totally in the wrong and mixing up times/places/people (or worse, justifying my lashing out at them).

(+)

Disorders aside? There are also “lessons learned in trauma” that have nothing to do with any diagnosis.

For example? If the only time you were “safe” (or felt safe) when you were a kid is when someone went away? (Either because you made them go away, or or the police did, or a friend/family member did, or whomever). The most obvious knee-jerk when you’re upset is to want the person to “go away”. Because their going away made you feel safe then, it makes you feel safe now. Even if by sending someone away, it actually makes you far less safe.

How you go about sending them away? (Blowing up at them, curling into a ball and chanting repetitvely as you rock, begging them in tears, asking/telling them directly, by getting a more powerful person to do so in your stead, after tapping your thumb and ring finger 3 times, x3, by sabotaging the relationship so they leave without you having to send them, etc.)… Or work on no longer sending people away when it’s not smart/relavent/useful/correct/etc.?… Is often disorder specific. But the learned behavior of making people go away when you’re unhappy? Is just that. A learned behavior.

The PTSD answer keeps things very simple.

It may or may not be relevant to you, as you don’t know if you have PTSD.

Autism + __________ + Lessons Learned In Trauma = ????