Yes I am very hypervigilant-protective of children, for the same sort of reasons. I was so ticked off eventually over all the people hoaxing about some of that pizza place stuff a while back, my anxiety was so bad for weeks I about lost my mind. I understand that it was mostly a lot of trolls with political motives and whatnot but for people like me it was really horrifying to come across that stuff, like it wasn't political for me it was just terrifying and had me obsessively worrying for weeks.
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Childhood Feel weird when see men around children
- Post starter Scott88
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- Post starter
- #14
I totally know how you feel. I became a mum a year ago and I am petrified of my child around men. And i hate any man been around her or holding her, I start to get very angry , feel sick, heart pounding and go mental... it's not nice atall I don't want to feel like this and it's not fair on any of the men in my life but I can't help it
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- #15
It's hard to give your brain a break when I've just had a child a year ago, I understand what your saying and I sooooo wish I could just accept the thoughts but I soo can't expecially when I've just had a child myself, and it's my child that I look at that triggers me when men are around her, I just don't know how to break it
Friday
Sponsor
Great news for you! >>> You can :D
Not just by wanting to, mores the pity; learning to deal with stressors &'triggers is a difficult -but completely doable- process. There are a few different pieces to it, but the end result is no longer having
- the physical reaction (panic attack, anxiety attack /heart pounding, feeling sick, etc.)
- the mental/emotional reaction (fear, rage/ terrified, hate, etc.)
- the "cognitive distortions" around the triggers & stressors ("all men rape children", etc.)
...AND...
Being able to trust your judgment, again.
Here's a good place to start
Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?
More on cognitive distortions
Primary Cognitive Distortions (negative Thinking Styles)
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- #17
Sideways
VIP Member
@Scott88 - I'm not going to pretend for a second that it's easy. Or that it works straight away. @Friday has given some great links to follow up on.
It's definitely a balancing act, between paying a bit of attention to your thoughts and making a conscious effort to not just let those thoughts run amok and ruin the daily experience of raising a child, but also once you've acknowledged those thoughts, also remembering to bring your mind back to whatever it is that is going on around you, outside your head.
For me? The process gets really cyclical: acknowledging thoughts, and back to focusing on the moment; and the thoughts come back and I'm having to acknowledge them again, and back to the moment; rinse and repeat.
When you first start out practicing this skill, your head is going to throw up a whole heap of resistance. Why are you trying to challenge me, Ragdoll? I'm keeping you safe. These thoughts are reeeally important. Pay attention to me, Ragdoll. No, seriously, you have to keep thinking these thoughts... And on, and on.
You get tired and frustrated of it pretty quick, so practice when you can, but don't drive yourself batty in the process!
But remember that your hrain is getting bored of throwing the same thoughts at you over and over and not getting the attention it's after. Your brain gets sick and tired of trying to get your attention and not getting anywhere. And eventually, it puts less and less vigour into the thoughts, and they (gradually) start coming and going with a lot less effort. Your brain, even more than throwing these thoughts at you? Wants to stay busy. It loves being engaged. So it will eventually start to look elsewhere for ideas and thoughts that you're going to pay attention to.
Our brains never really shut up. But we can learn (and it is a learned skill, not a natural one) how to pay it attention, or not.
But like I said, it's not easy changing these patterns. So don't feel like "This isn't working" if the thoughts continually come back at you. They make sense, and it really is okay that those thoughts are there.
It's definitely a balancing act, between paying a bit of attention to your thoughts and making a conscious effort to not just let those thoughts run amok and ruin the daily experience of raising a child, but also once you've acknowledged those thoughts, also remembering to bring your mind back to whatever it is that is going on around you, outside your head.
For me? The process gets really cyclical: acknowledging thoughts, and back to focusing on the moment; and the thoughts come back and I'm having to acknowledge them again, and back to the moment; rinse and repeat.
When you first start out practicing this skill, your head is going to throw up a whole heap of resistance. Why are you trying to challenge me, Ragdoll? I'm keeping you safe. These thoughts are reeeally important. Pay attention to me, Ragdoll. No, seriously, you have to keep thinking these thoughts... And on, and on.
You get tired and frustrated of it pretty quick, so practice when you can, but don't drive yourself batty in the process!
But remember that your hrain is getting bored of throwing the same thoughts at you over and over and not getting the attention it's after. Your brain gets sick and tired of trying to get your attention and not getting anywhere. And eventually, it puts less and less vigour into the thoughts, and they (gradually) start coming and going with a lot less effort. Your brain, even more than throwing these thoughts at you? Wants to stay busy. It loves being engaged. So it will eventually start to look elsewhere for ideas and thoughts that you're going to pay attention to.
Our brains never really shut up. But we can learn (and it is a learned skill, not a natural one) how to pay it attention, or not.
But like I said, it's not easy changing these patterns. So don't feel like "This isn't working" if the thoughts continually come back at you. They make sense, and it really is okay that those thoughts are there.
- Post starter
- #18
Thank you so much for this, this gives me hope.. I know that sounds cliche but it does. I read your reply earlier today - but I had a bad afternoon with my thoughts and shit going mental in my head and I didn't belive any of what you read. I have calmed down this evening, had a cry, had a big cuddle with my child and I re read it. And I re read it after cuddling my child to sleep to try and belive there if hold and there is a way I can get out of this deep terrifying pit. Even if these thoughts are a small percentage of what's screwing my head up at the minute., your reply has helped knowing that bit of my head could be resolved. I don't know how I don't know when I might not belive it tomorrow when I have a a rubbish time again but I will re read.. I will re evaluate and I will keep working towards all the messed up shit that's happening to me. All because of my child, I don't want them to go through this, I want them to have the best safest successful life ever and me been like I am now is not the best for them , so I need to get sorted and your replies if / when I take it all on board and know I'm not alone will hopefully help. Thank you again
- Moderator
- #19
Hi, so I totally understand having a child and that child triggering you. My children trigger me, but especially my daughter who is 4.
I was sexually abused by a babysitter/neighbor at 4. I have never, ever had a babysitter over. The only people who watch them are my inlaws.
I get all kinds of thoughts all the time. Intrusive memories, intrusive thoughts like even I am going to harm my children. Thoughts that disgust me to the point that I think I will harm them because the thoughts just are there so much. I have not slept so well since she was born and this plays into it.
I use the strategy of labeling my thoughts and emotions and then rating them
I try to say as best as I can, "You are having some thoughts that are distressing. You are experience disgust and fear now. The distress level is a 10. That is understandable because you were a victim. These are thoughts that victims of abuse have. These thoughts are understandable and justified."
Then I often feel intense psychological pain just looking at my daughter. I try to say to myself, "Ahh. There is that deep pain again."
I then think about the pain in sort of an interested way. I imagine where the pain is in my body and I accept it's presence.
It is like that Rumi poem,
"The Guest House."
I was sexually abused by a babysitter/neighbor at 4. I have never, ever had a babysitter over. The only people who watch them are my inlaws.
I get all kinds of thoughts all the time. Intrusive memories, intrusive thoughts like even I am going to harm my children. Thoughts that disgust me to the point that I think I will harm them because the thoughts just are there so much. I have not slept so well since she was born and this plays into it.
I use the strategy of labeling my thoughts and emotions and then rating them
I try to say as best as I can, "You are having some thoughts that are distressing. You are experience disgust and fear now. The distress level is a 10. That is understandable because you were a victim. These are thoughts that victims of abuse have. These thoughts are understandable and justified."
Then I often feel intense psychological pain just looking at my daughter. I try to say to myself, "Ahh. There is that deep pain again."
I then think about the pain in sort of an interested way. I imagine where the pain is in my body and I accept it's presence.
It is like that Rumi poem,
"The Guest House."
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- Post starter
- #21
I hear you thank you so much for the reply
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