Undiagnosed Feeling Alone & Depressed. Ptsd? - Post Break Up

[BrittNay87]

Let me begin by saying I'm 25 yr old female. I've been having a horrible time sleeping eating getting up in the morning. I feel so out of place.

On March 6 of this year I had a very difficult decision to make. I'd been with my boyfriend on and off last summer then we would hook up here and there. Well on Dec 14 2012 we had sex and forever he said he was sterile.

I got a flu bug which led me to the hospital not knowing what was wrong with me. On Jan 31 I found out I was pregnant. He was the only guy I had slept with so I called to tell him. He treated me like dirt said it wasn't his and insisted he was sterile. Also said how I ruined it with a girl he was after but thanks to me he couldn't.

Then after a couple weeks he came around, asked me to be his girlfriend. At first it seemed good but as time went on I kept feeling as if he was only with me because I was pregnant. People kept telling me he was telling everyone I wasn't pregnant or it wasn't even his. That he wanted a dna test which I had no problem giving that to him if it was going to put his mind to rest.

I knew who I'd slept with. So I asked him if he was only with me because I was pregnant and he got quiet. The silence was my answer. I told him that I couldn't have a child with someone who doesn't love me and I wanted him to fight for me. They say let the one you love go and they will return if they're yours.

Well he never came back. I was forced to make a very hard decision. Not only for me but for my 5 yr old daughter that I already have. He didn't tell me no don't do it or no we can do this. He just let me slip away. I formed a bond with my baby. I was 12 weeks along. Seen it on sonograms and all that. Didn't know the sex yet but I had a feeling it was a boy so I had the name Hunter Cam Staples. His due date was on my birthday Sept 3 2013.

My procedure was done on March 6 of this year. A day I will never forget. My now ex did not go with me. Did not act like he wanted me not to go through with it. I did it alone and let me tell you the protesters that are in the parking lot. I have flash backs of a lady saying "look at your sonograms!" & it tore me apart. While in there they take you to like 5 different rooms.

It's such a messed up thing and no matter any way you look at it, it was wrong what I did. I just wish I had him there to hold and comfort me. To tell me we could get through it, or keep it and be fine, but he wasn't. Instead he went out to tractor supply bought new boots and got drunk. To this day he hasn't asked how I'm holding up and in all honesty I just want to feel normal again.

The flashbacks are horrific. That day replays in my head. I can't sleep and if I do it's not for very long. I have these anger outbursts that happen randomly. I feel like a monster, like it's all my fault that I should have ran out of there. Which I wanted to so many times. I feel like I'm never going to get over this, like I will never be happy. There's a hole in my heart and I just want to be whole again.

I still think about this ex of mine. Every day when I wake up and before bed. I don't know if I'm weird but I kiss my sonograms everyday and ask God to forgive me. I guess I just didn't see any other way out. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me we would be ok. I definitely feel as if I need to seek professional help.

My symptoms won't go away and it's been over a month. Any advice or can anyone relate?

Thanks for reading.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

My advice would be to see a professional for a definitive diagnosis.

 

[intothelight]

Hi BrittNay,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

KP has some great advice about seeking a diagnosis from a mental health professional. Although what you went through was extremely hard and heart wrenching, it may be grief, depression, or another disorder. I really hope that you don't have PTSD, but if you do then the first step for getting better is know what you have and how to treat it.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you went through that.

 

[orchidbird]

Hi, welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Having a termination is a traumatic event without having to deal with the horrible people that protest outside.

Speaking from my own personal experience and knowing others that have also been through this, what you are going through sounds 'normal', please don't think I am belittling your feelings.
It took me well over a year to come to terms with the decision I made, but I think it's unique to each person.

I would urge you to get some professional help in working through this, after care seems to be overlooked so often, yet so desperately needed.

Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve, you have suffered a loss and that takes time to work through.

Ob x

 

[a3a2]

Brittnay87,

I'm so sorry you felt pressured into this difficult decision. I know it may seem strange for me to refer you to a crisis pregnancy center at this time, but most do post-abortive counseling. Most are run by women who were traumatized by abortion and will have great empathy and understanding for what you are going through.

As orchidbird said, it is important to grieve. Allow yourself to cry and cry and cry. Think of purchasing a small memento...perhaps a soft blanket or stuffed animal you can hold.

 

[BrittNay87]

I just wanna say thank you for all the support and for those of you who took the time out to read my story. It really means a great deal to me that I have somewhere to vent when I need to and other ppl who know kinda what Im going thru. I did go to the dr's today and she diagnosed me with PTSD, she put me on a medication called Effexor its a small dose 37.5mg tablet that I am to take twice a day. I go back in two weeks for a check up to see how I'm doing with the meds. I was typing from my cell phone when I joined the site so I wasn't able to type too much stuff out. I am a hot mess thats for sure.

I guess what I wanted from that ex of mine was to care.. to show some kind of feelings.. and he didn't have any of that. And that hurts.

 

[JessMar0126]

HI Britt (I hope you don't mind if I call you that)
I can completely relate to what you are going through. I remember the day I conceived, the day I made the hard decision, the due date, all of it. My child would turn 3 this New Years Eve.

The first year for me haunted me the most, especially on the memorable dates. It's a decision I made, but one I thought I would never make too. I started seeking therapy immediately afterwards. I was going about once a week for around 3 months or so and then it started to wind down.

The second year, things were better, but occasionally I would fall apart just thinking about it.

Now I am in the 3rd year, and things are much better. Not a moment goes by when I don't think about my baby. What I have learned it's a decision I made and I have to deal with.

All I can recommend to you, is engage in healthy activities. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to vent, scream, anything, DO IT! As long as you are releasing your feelings in a healthy non toxic manner. Definitely seek therapy, and be sure your therapist is understanding and supportive. One other thing that helped me is reading self help books. It may sound silly, but for me they helped. They helped me to love myself and kept me on a positive path.

One thing I did do, and I am by no means telling you to do this, Is I got rid of the sonogram picture. It broke my heart too much, and it was just a constant reminder for me of sadness, and ultimately increased my depression. You may want to try not to look at the pictures so frequently, because again, it can intensify your pain. (Again, I am not telling you what to do, this is just what helped me)

Also, make sure you have a strong support system. This is a great site for that.

My heart is with you and I will keep you in my prayers. Remember be strong! You will get through this! I am sending you hugs!!!