Feeling embarassed and ashamed... i hate myself

[Osoz]

I've been having difficulty finding a T, and thought I found a good one who understands where I'm coming from. We had 2 sessions where I shared a lot of info, stuff I've never told any other T, or anyone else period. I was feeling out of it during the 2nd session, and she kept asking if I was ok, told me I looked 'weird'. I told her I felt weird. I just kept talking... a lot, and laid my whole ugly life out there for judgement. She said she was thinking of a cptsd diagnosis, and wanted some questionnaires from me. I filled them out, 100% honestly, and emailed them to her.

She emailed me yesterday, and said she 'can't ethically state that what I told her, happened as I described it', and cancelled all therapy. I emailed back and asked what part didn't happen? and that I didn't understand what she meant by that comment. When I did the questionnaires there were some questions I didn't understand, I had told her that and wrote notes in the margins, and we hadn't even talked about the questionnaires yet. She emailed back about looking for a referral if I wanted one, but never answered my question.

I don't know what I did wrong to make her go suddenly from cptsd to.... what?... liar? faker? making it all up? manipulator? I don't know what happened. I don't what I did wrong. I'm such a f*ckup.

I was 100% honest with her. I laid it all out, like verbal diarrhea. At the end of the second session she had even thanked me for being so open.

I'm embarrassed, and ashamed of myself, and absolutely mortified that I was so honest. I feel so stupid for saying so much. I said too much. I hate myself for opening up, and being so naïve. I just want to curl up in a corner and die. I feel so bad, I can't even cry... just f*cking hate myself. I'm not even worth this post, don't know why I wrote it. I'm such a joke.

 

[Soro]

I'm so sorry

 

[Obe]

so she doesn't believe something you said? but you told everything as you remember it...which leads me to think she's an idiot. seriously. can you think of any thing you said that might seem unbelievable?

 

[Iru]

I think this is 100% HER baggage. Seriously. And she's projecting her own crap on you. My guess is that she's a survivor, too....and something you said struck a chord in her, so she went into ultra defensive mode. Kind of why I believe only in "wounded healers" after they get their shit together.

 

[Zutajim]

Glad you posted. Sounds like she's not worth being your therapist. You deserve better than whatever personal stuff she's got going on, because that's what this sounds like to me.

 

[Ase]

Sometimes, what she heard and what she saw in the questionnaire means that she does not want to take you on her case load as a best fit for her practice. It's not to do with you but it's more to do with a number of factors, one being, say it now before it gets into months and then you decide with everyone else you see that it's not a good fit. That would be pretty devastating. It's the opposite of her own crap more knowing her crap enough to know if she can do the long haul for your type of issue. It does read as a tough time for you and I hope you find someone who will be able to go the long haul that you deserve and will have the decency to not leave you guessing about anything. Again, this isn't about you. The t has to know her practice limitations and a good one would have been clearer about this. It's best to know she wasn't a good fit and she got out sooner rather than later.

 

[Olem]

Wow whatever the reason she sounds like an asshole. She could have at least waited till you went to your next appointment i.e. Maybe to explain to you why she doesn't think she is a good fit. Did she give an explanation at all?

 

[Ovuge]

Either way don't hate yourself. You did nothing wrong. You went to ask for help. Hopefully you can find the strength to seek another therapist

 

[Lora]

I had a T tell me "That wouldn't have happened."

There wasn't any point continuing.

I have since found someone who believes me, and is helping me recover.

Big hugs, you deserve better.

 

[Lululo]

I know sometimes Therapists can be wrong and inapropriate but this can come across as professional by the way they word something. It makes sense that you are internalizing her response. I think that is ridiculous that she is essentially saying what you experienced did not happen. I don't get the ethical part.
What do you think it was? Is there a terrible trauma that does not sound believable? Is she a trauma focused therapist?

 

[Lululo]

What I mean to say is that it makes sense you are internalizing what she did because you are a victim of trauma. She made a mistake and did not handle this in the right way. You are deserving of a good therapist.

 

[Pewucu]

It could be as simple as it being out of scope and that the T doesn't think they have the ability to handle the case.