Feeling guilty about boundaries...

[mrsmegan]

My parents moved to another state about two and a half years ago.

It has been really, really good for me and being able to start healing from my past.

I have worked really hard at certain boundaries, I don't call very much, just for my own protection of my emotional well-being and healing.

Anyways, they are coming back for a month this summer (they have done this every year since they left) - and yesterday my Mom asked to stay with us for a week.

I had the wherewithal to tell her I needed to talk to my husband and I will get back to her. My therapist, husband, and close friends have made it abundantly clear to me that to allow them to stay with me would be detrimental to me. But I can't shake this guilt, worrying about them and their reaction, and obligation I feel to be a "good daughter" - I am just looking for some support that I will be able to stand firm.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

After I put distance between me and all of my family (with the help from my therapist), over time it became easier and easier to stick to boundries.

I always say I need to talk to my therapist first (but I don't have a husband) and he helps me stick to my boundries. Once writting a note for my dad to tell my family about going to see my mom on her death bed, if I wanted to show it to him, and I did. He has been amazing help!

Either way, turning to your support system is extremely wise and if you feel like you may bend then let your husband talk to her about it. Or have him in the room when you talk to her. Support to stay firm basically.

Hope this helps some!

 

[ladee]

Ohhh this is a hard one... I could 'feel' everything you wrote... no matter how it ends up... right now you are the bad guy in your mind.... I so get this... I understand.... oh do I understand...and this is what I say calls for 'loving lies'.... loving myself, because I am new at setting some boundaries.... so to keep from saying the TRUTH which is too harsh, even for us... we have to embellish a bit...

If it is for your well being in the long run, then temporary chaos and guilt is worth it... you will be better and more confident each time you set a boundary... It's a hard thing to do...

We want to say, "Mom, Dad, you cant come here for a week because by day two I will be in the rabbit hole'...I empathize with you so deeply on this one.... and yes, you can do this... the first time is the hardest.... and you will probably drive yourself insane trying to find 'just the right words'.... but try your best to keep in mind... you are NOT responsible for how they receive your NO.... You are responsible for taking the healing action to continue your healing journey....

Hopefully your T has some suggestions on what to say, that will help you to be honest, yet take care of yourself... not suggesting you out and out lie... but hell, I would, especially that first time.... and deal with that guilt later.. so not recommending that, but am saying it's an option... oh Lord, don't listen to me !!! I feel your anxiety !!! :bag:

Standing with you on this one... and yes, you can do it... yes you can !! Hope you keep us updated... I know i am going to learn something from your experience.... gentle hugs if you accept... YOU CAN DO THIS...

 

[mrsmegan]

@lostforgottensoul yes, thank you that is helpful

@ladee thanks for validating my experience. I plan to talk to T about it tomorrow AM - I do need to keep telling myself that I am not responsible for them, but really for myself.

 

[ladee]

Its very hard for us to come to believe we are not responsible for them... that is all we have known... but the more you practice this... the more you will see and understand... sending you courage and strength to take care of yourself....

 

[Twilight]

This post has helped me. The consequence of me never confronting my past and setting boundaries resulted in me staying in abuse for years w significant other. So, Yes, it is important to stick to boundaries to keep yourself healthy. I never did this bc of guilt and now look where i am. (Not in a good place and having to pick up the pieces and eventually i have to pay the piper)

 

[ladee]

But if we don't know we can do something, or we don't know how, it does make things harder. But the great thing about learning new ways to do things is we can practice... standing up to our parents is hard.... and old tapes play louder than the solution sometimes.... but you are doing fine . You reached out... you are aware it has to change... and you will be scared and nervous just like the rest of us the first time you tell them no.... but it gets easier, and with every time you say NO to someone, you get stronger.... it's hard to do at first.... but it is doable.... sending a cloud of courage and strength to help you thru... and courage doesn't mean we aren't scared, it means we do it anyway, even if we are scared.... you will do great.... let us know how it goes... we are supporting you...

 

[mrsmegan]

@ladee thank you for the support. I had a good conversation with my T about it today, and he was very firm that it would be terrible for me and my progress. He did suggest that I do it in his office on Friday..... But undecided right now if I will do that, it just feels awkward....

 

[ladee]

But having him there may be the support you need.... he will help you keep it short and sweet.... at least give it some thought.... and how awesome that he is advocating for you and offered to be present.... guess it's about picking what is awkward over, just having the extra support to do it.... either way, you will do great... Telling them NO is going to be awkward !!!! But knowing you can do this.... hope it goes much better than you expect it to... gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[mrsmegan]

@ladee yes, you are right. Thanks for the extra support, it is really helpful.